Dating or Courting Part II: Should Christians Date or Court?
We previously discussed the difference between dating and courting; now let’s take a minute to explore what the Bible says. Let’s start by reflecting on 1 Peter 2:9:
But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, God’s special possession, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light.
With this in mind, my question is: If our customs look just like the customs of the world, then can we say that we are truly set apart for God’s use?
God wants a church without spot or wrinkle. Therefore, we should be modeling God’s ways to the world, NOT allowing the world to influence our customs. I know this may be tough to hear, but Christians really shouldn’t be dating the same way the world dates.
The difference between dating and courting is intention.
The world generally dates for fun and companionship. Unmarried people frequently spend a lot of time together and often begin to attach to one another emotionally, without having any real intention of marrying.
Many unmarried couples even engage in very intimate behavior such as kissing and having sex without any intention of getting married. What happens is that these casual or unintentional relationships frequently end with a lot of heartache, all because of premature emotional and physical attachments.
God knows that premature attachments can and will cause heartache and that’s why He instituted marriage. Therefore, it’s best to avoid any real attachment until you’re married.
Believers should be focused on finding a mate, not recreational dating. When God created Eve, He created her with the intention of marriage. Throughout the Bible, there are references to couples meeting with the intention of marrying, but nothing about unintentional dating. As believers, we should follow the precedent that’s been set in the Bible, not the precedent that’s been set by the world.
Now, this doesn’t mean that you can’t have fun with your peers! It’s okay to hang out with members of the opposite sex and go on group outings (which some may call group dates), but keeping it casual is probably best until you’re looking to marry. This helps you avoid temptation and prevents you from forming premature attachments that can lead to heartbreak or distraction.
For those of you who may be experiencing heartache right now, check out Four Things To Do To Survive A Breakup! For those of you who have decided to wait to date, check out these seven things that you can do to fill up your free time.
I know that this may be tough to hear for some of you, but everything God does, He does with a purpose. He instituted marriage for a purpose and frivolous dating in some ways undermines that. God never said that it’d be easy being a Christian, but He did promise that it’d be worthwhile.
Image: Brand X Pictures | Thinkstock
February 5, 2012
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Is it wrong to kiss if you have the intention of marriage? Or should it wait until your wedding day?
Some people believe it is, but others believe differently. Some people believe that if you kiss someone, you are robbing your spouse of what is rightfully his; in other words giving away parts of yourself that should be your future husbands. I hope this helps!
i dont believe its wrong BUT saving your first kiss is one way to protect your heart. like i said in my post on the part one of this blog a couple in my church dated and saved there first kissed for marriage.. and they are both glad that they did.. so if you (or anyone else) do save your fist kiss i dont think youll regret it at all!
If you don’t date how are you supposed to get married?
Courting! In courting, you get to know each other under the presence of chaperones, and, as you get to know one another better, a little one on one time.
Courting and dating are essentially the same idea. Dating, though, comes in many forms. For example, two kids in middle school can sit at the same lunch table sharing a mutual affection and that can be considered dating. But courting is specifically for mature men and women who want to get married. I don’t know anyone who courts today with a chaperone…but I’ve had conversations with women who are married and courted without them. Courting is like dating, except on a deeper level, and with friends and family involved.
I am really considering courting since I haven’t dated yet and I’m 16. However, don’t people court in the presence of family and chaperones? How would you really know how someone is like or if they’re abusive? And what if you get married really young because you’re in a hurry to form an emotional attachment? Anyways, this is a great article! Christians are different. We shouldn’t go from relationship to relationship. Believe me, I have seen some wonderful people get broken down because they put their identity in another person rather than Christ. I will really take you said to heart.
I suppose one could say I courted, as our intentions were to eventually be married. We never had chaperones. That would have made us feel all weird, and I feel we wouldn’t have gotten to know each other as well. And we kissed. I think you really get to know each other better by kissing as well as talking. (Of course, some people want their first kiss to be at their wedding, and I think that’s super sweet! it’s just not for me.)
But no sex until after we’re married.
My goal in love is to never go on a date! I want to be courted by a man. This may involve going out ttogether… But all with the intention of getting to know each other before marriage.
I love it! When I was told I had to court, all I could see was me and some dull boring guy four years older sitting in a dimly lit room discussing politics til ten at night, after a big family dinner during which he didn’t actually talk to me, he talked to my dad and brothers. (Or worse, sitting alone in one room while he talked to my dad alone in his office all night, after which he would briefly bid me goodnight saying what a lovely time he’d had) But thankfully, it’s not like that. (Although, at this point I’d settle for even that, I’d still get to see my boyfriend more than I do now)
I definitely agree. Thanks for this wonderful article!
I really liked what you said about intention! That’s kind of what I’ve always thought, but Ive never put it into those words
I completely agree. I would prefer a guy that would court me instead of date me. I just think it depends on your preference. Courting is more like getting to know someone better, kinda like a guy friend except with the intention of being more than friends. Dating is more for fun than the intention of a lifetime mate.
I am completely with you on the no sex before marrige thing. My friend had foreplay with her boyfriend… she’s 13. It’s really sad
Anyways, I’m totally with you on the no sex thing…but no kissing? It’s going to be extremely tough to only have a boyfriend that I plan on marrying. But if it’s worth it, which if it’s for God it is, I’ll try 
To make it easier to only have a boyfriend you are intending to marry, you should wait until you’re older to date/court. Most teenage girls don’t even know what they want in a husband and they aren’t really mature enough to be in a real relationship. So just wait and take your time. If you are patient, God will bring the right man to you!
Just because your courting someone with the intention of marriage doesn’t mean that that person cant change their intentions. Just because the other person wants marriage doesn’t mean that they cant change their minds after being with you. There is also evidence that, during courting, many dive right into having sex.
I don’t know much about courtship, but I don’t really see a difference between that and dating. Many people date with the intention of staying together/marrying as well.
So, I like the idea of this post but may I also point out as a Christian that has dated and knows many people that have courted that the main difference between dating and courting as a Christian is that courting means that you never spend any time alone with the guy that you are with you are always with either family or your dates are chaperoned meaning that you can’t actually get to know the guy well on a one-on-one basis (this is my opinion and what I have seen in other couples). Whereas with dating as a Christian you can go on dates with the guy just be intentional about it and have strict boundaries and those boundaries should be between you and God. Yes I agree that Christians shouldn’t just date for the heck of it but that is not to say that courting is the only way to go. Those are the differences between courting and dating for a Christian I am not saying that one is better than the other it depends solely on what you and your parents decide but either way it should be prayerfully considered either way. These are just my personal thoughts.
I don’t want to just go out and be romantic with a person for fun with no intention of marraige. That’s silly and a waste of time. I want to have with a relationship with someone who I can see as my future husband. Sure, it may not always work out, but you have to have the right intention in mind for it to work out. I completely agree. Don’t waste your time with someone you know you won’t have a future with and just do it for fun. Look for the person God created to be your soul mate, your other half.
I can’t wait until that guy God sent for me asks me out,and I always think about that first kiss! I was wondering? Is it okay to pray for a boyfriend?
Totally, but better yet, pray for a husband
It’s important to pray for a bf/gf because God is not gonna bring you someone that is gonna lead you away from Him.
You should pray for your husband! Not just pray for a husband but pray for him. There’s a difference. Pray for his spiritual well-being and tell God the most important characteristics that your husband should have.
So dating is like courting but all your doing is thinking of getting married
That’s exactly what courtship is. Dating with marriage in mind
(with or without a chaperone)
Thank you for writing this! I have been studying courtship for a while now, and I just got a book I highly recommend. It’s called Choosing God’s Best: Wisdom for a Lifelong Romance. It’s by Dr. Don Raunikar. It is a really great book!
We are discussing this at my church youth group, too! It is a very interesting topic. I believe there is definitely a godly way of getting to know your possible future spouse somewhere between dating and courtship. For example, I do not believe that, unless you believe you will be tempted, you HAVE to be chaperoned. I think that if you make a mutual agreement with the guy about boundaries, then it is alright to go out- just the two of you.
It doesn’t matter. As long as you are comporting yourself in a manner worthy of the gospel of Christ and you are courting/dating a Christian. It’s up to you and God to figure out if kissing is okay. IMHO, a few stolen kisses aren’t the worse thing ever. Because there are so few (practically none) guildlines on dating and courtship, it’s between a couple and God. Don’t needlessly put temptation in your path, but don’t let anyone else tell you what to do. If you want to look back at history, the colonial and regency ect. times had courting in which kissing was allowed, but frowned upon if done in public. I am going to date, if I ever decide to get married. I don’t think I will. I have no desire to submit to anyone except God. I’d only ever have to submit to a man if I were married, as Christ commanded, and I don’t like that idea too much. Not to mention the numerous problems that happen in relationships. Maybe my fears are well founded, maybe not, but God will sort it out for me. Just living on that promise…
If you submit to your husband, you are submitting to God because God told wives to submit to their husbands.
If you don’t kiss, how are you supposed to know how to do it when it’s time for your husband to “kiss the bride”? Everyone is watching..and you’ve never done it before…and, If you don’t date, then how are you supposed to get married? You don’t get married to your friend, you get married to your boyfriend, of course you aren’t going to have sex, but…?
@ peacefulDove73: I think that it is up to you and your boyfriend to determine what your limits are. Obviously if you uphold Christian values, you are going to abstain from having sex until after you are married, but since the bible doesn’t address the issue of kissing, use your discression. If you think that it could lead to more than kissing, eliminate that temptation.
personally i dont have a set dating or courting rule. my rule is two questions that i ask myself:
1) Is this what God would want in my life or would be happy seeing?
AND
2) What can I gain by a “relationship” instead of a friendship with this person? (if the answer is something physical then a relationship will just lead me down the right path at the wrong time and I know its not the right thing for me right now)
I feel like if you have chaperones all the time you can’t really get to know someone, people always act different around parents. I think that people should date but be set boundaries about how physically and emotionally attached so that you don’t get hurt. If you court there is still a huge likely hood of being broken. Almost more so because there is an idea that you want to get married so when things don’t work out wouldn’t that be harder? My cousin courted and after two years they decided it didn’t work out and it completely crushed her, and was very hard on their families because they all thought they were going to get married. I just don’t understand the whole courting thing.
I try to not label things too much. I know some may disagree, but I think dating or courting, whatever you like to call it, is perfectly fine in high school. Relationships help you figure out who you are, and help you find out what you want in a future relationship. As long as those are your intentions, than I think it is fine. I am totally saving myself for marriage, but I do go on dates and such. We are never never fully alone, which we both make sure of. My parents and his are really involved, so I think it is perfectly fine.
There is a thin line between courting and dating. they are definitely two different things, but I think it is a bit confusing. I myself don’t fully understand the concept. I think that it is like dating but with the intention of marriage, is that correct? So do you do things that people do on dates, or what?
So should girls stick to traditions that are several thousand years old while the rest of the world moves on without them? Because it’s sanctioned by a religious text? So, by that logic, I’m going to go hop in my longship to pillage, burn, murder, rape, and loot half of England. “Some seek shelter in the church
A refuge for those with faith
But we know how to smoke them out
A pyre will be raised
But those who choose to stand and fight
Will die with dignity
For the unfortunate few who survive
Waits a life in slavery
The day draws to an end
The night comes dark and cold
We return to our ships
With silver, slaves and gold”
There is a boy in my life who likes me and I like him, but we are not dating. I just read the pieces on courtship today and it sounds really interesting, but I’m a bit confused about how to put it into practice. Also, I am fifteen (almost sixteen). I think that spending time with him will help me build good skills that I will want in marriage, such as trust and selflessness, but am I too young to enter into any kind of relationship with him? If I am, what should I do from here? Thank you for these articles, they are very helpful and beautiful!
Wait…so “courting” is like dating someone in order to further develop that emotional connection and find someone right? And “dating” is just referring to the kind of dating like “Oh, this person is physically attractive, and I guess they’re nice but I’m mostly just with them to get physical action from it?” I’m sort of confused. :\
I got to know this amazing guy. I want to be in a courting and not a “dating” type of relationship. I believe that he would go for this because he treats me like a lady (he was very sweet when he carried my music for me and bowed and thanked me for my music when I was done.) I was wondering if you had any tips on how to bring this up in a conversation because he treats me special, like no other guy ever has, and I’d like to be in the type of relationship that pleases the Lord, any suggestions?
I’m in between in this issue. I’m definitely not supporting dating the way our culture does it, but I’ve not really been called to courting. Basically, (when I start dating) I won’t go alone with a boy anywhere (only public places and certainly not at night), but I won’t be required to find a chaperone. Basically, it should be an extension of our close friendship, after all, if we’re trying to see if we’re going to spend the rest of our lives together, shouldn’t we be best friends? So, the way I’ll date is to get to know the guy better, not to make out or go farther than is Christ-like. So, that’s my view