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18 years of a testimony in the making

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This topic contains 2 replies, has 3 voices, and was last updated by  mimiroland123 2 months ago.

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MissTeacher22

This is a story that is being told long overdue. It begins when I was very young (honestly I couldn’t tell a precise age) so we’ll settle on 4 because it seems to fit in with what I remember most from the events which occurred. My parents divorced when I was a baby, and my mother remarried. Good for her..but not so much for me. My stepfather began abusing me sexually right from the beginning. The silver lining in this situation was that my real father had primary custody of me and lived in a different state (for reasons completely unrelated to this), which meant that I only saw my mother a few months out of the year, and therefore the abuse occurred less frequently than it probably would have otherwise. I didn’t tell anyone, because I was shy. I knew that what was happening was wrong, but I was too embarrassed to let anyone know about it. It was a secret that I kept from everyone. My parents (stepfather included) were all Christians, so I grew up in a Christian environment learning about Jesus and going to Sunday school and Wed. night youth group. Still I never told anyone about what was happening, in fact I started to secretly like it because of the feelings I would get (which would later turn to regret and disgust). The abuse continued for years…15 actually. Still I never told anyone. I felt like God loved me but I must be doing something to make him mad; to bring it upon myself. As a young teenager I would lay in bed praying and begging that God would keep my stepfather out of my room that night, and hoping that God would listen to a child’s prayer (the Bible talks about this..right) and within minutes of praying I would hear the door open and my heart and soul would shatter.
Then I would wonder what I said wrong in my prayer..and I began to get angry at God. And angry at the world for being oblivious, even though it was me keeping it a secret. I tried to pretend like it wasn’t happening, but always it served as an invisible barrier between me and my peers. I wanted to tell my closest friends so many times..but something always (and still) holds me back. Because of what was happening to me, I knew that I would never be like them. There would always be that secret that caused me to hold them (and my family) at a distance. I’m 22 now, and there’s so much more that could be said, but to say that I want and am trying to heal now will have to suffice. I still haven’t told anyone I know (this is my first time telling anyone in fact), and I still have a lot of symptoms that I assume are anxiety/depression, but I am trying to find joy in God and see what happened to me as a part of His special plan for me, rather than a curse. I began reading the book Captivating which has helped me tremendously (my favorite part talks about God’s special hatred and targeting of women because he knows of the special strength that God has placed in us..which leads me to think how capable must God have made me if Satan felt the need to physically attack me at such a young age?), and is even allowing me to begin figuring out how to forgive my stepfather for what happened. And hopefully soon I’ll have enough courage to ask someone for help in person..and to tell someone in person. What I would love is to be able to heal and be able to help girls who are victims of sexual trafficking. I guess this is more of a testimony in the making.

December 28, 2015 at 05:01
emilyanne94

emilyanne94

@MissTeacher22 you NEED to contact the authorities and tell them what happened to you. Chances are, that abuse has not just happened to you at the hands of your stepfather, but others as well. Please tell, for the sake of other little girls that might pass through his life. As a victim of this myself, (not of a parent, but a youth pastor), telling is the only answer to the situation. Help protect other innocent girls. Jesus loves you and this was never and will never be your fault.

March 7, 2016 at 15:00
mimiroland123

mimiroland123

It literally breaks my heart that you had to endure that pain. I am so sorry. God is using you to help others who may be in the same boat as you. Being sexually abused can be traumatizing. I have indeed seen the effects of it on a friend. I will pray for you that you will have the heart to forgive your stepfather. However, please please please tell someone. Keeping this a secret is doing more harm than good. Like Emily said, it probably happened to someone else too. Never feel like this is your fault because it isn’t. Never feel unworthy or unclean because of this. God is with you ALWAYS. Love you and praying for you!

October 5, 2016 at 13:05
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