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A Testimony that no one knows

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This topic contains 3 replies, has 3 voices, and was last updated by  goodson94 8 months, 1 week ago.

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What does a typical third grade girl think about? Barbies, baby dolls, glitter, best friends, playing house, and cooking with mommy are just a few. I had one more thing to think about as a third grade girl. His name was Cody. His parents were best friends with mine and as kids he, myself, and my brother were always together. Countless hours of my childhood were spent at his house, and he at mine. Days were spent swimming, playing video games, watching movies, playing in the woods, and playing sports. On one occasion he and my brother tried to become “blood brothers.”
It was the year 2004. My dad was in the U.S. National Guard and was sent off to Iraq for a year-long tour. This left my mother with two kids to take care of day in and day out by herself. Cody’s mother, Alma, was my mom’s best friend and offered to pick my brother and I up from school on Wednesdays and keep us at her house until church time. This was time my mom could have a small break from the crazy life of being mom and dad while my dad was overseas.
I don’t remember exactly how or when exactly it started, but I think it was the spring of 2004. I was in the spring of my third grade year. One day Cody told me “Let’s play house like I am the dad and you are the mom.” What third grade girl would not want to play house, right? Cody’s version of house, and mine were very different. Before I go any further, I must give some back story.
Cody lived in a suburban neighborhood. This meant playing with kids in the neighborhood and whoever else decided to play. Boys are boys and they have to be the best. Well, Cody was no different. His neighborhood friends were picking on him for being a virgin. Cody was only two years older than me and only one grade ahead of me in school. So you see, his version of a “virgin” and all it entailed were far different from reality. He wanted to be able to say he was not a virgin and decided to do the things he knew how to get there.
Cody’s peer pressure drove him to make a life changing decision. Maybe not for him, but definitely for me. He would every week play house with me and decided to introduce me to a world of sex and things that no nine year old girl should know. From kissing, to any attempt he could make at achieving his non-virgin status those were the things that occurred. Going to public elementary school, you were taught about an “Uh oh feeling” that you would get when people touched you inappropriately. This feeling did occur, but as a third grade girl, I really did not know what was happening. I can remember things being said like “Now this is a secret” and “Don’t tell people about this.”
After, a while I knew that what was going on was wrong. After all, if he was just trying to lose his virginity, he would have in his first attempt. To set the record straight, being so young and naive, Cody never actually was successful at losing his virginity to me. He tried, but didn’t really know what he was doing. I can look and see the Lord’s protection in that. Even though I knew something was wrong, I was too scared to tell anyone and kept it a secret.
Well two years passed by, Daddy had been home for a year from Iraq. Cody had stopped playing house with me for about 6 months. He would still try after Daddy got home and the weekly visits stopped. Any time we were at each other’s house he would try. Like I said he did stop trying, but I knew I was hiding a secret that was scaring me and driving me crazy inside. Then one day I cracked.
I was in the sixth grade and was having trouble sleeping at night. It had been a few months of me crying myself to sleep at night and begging my Mom to sleep with me or to stay with me until I did fall asleep. Finally, I could not hold it in any longer. One night, I ran to my mother in tears of hurt, pain, fear, and longing for help. I told her what was going on and the next thing I knew she, my dad and I were all talking about what had happened. The fear I had was that I would ruin my parents and Cody’s parents’ friendship. My parents being the parents they are, they took me in their arms and dealt with the situation. The next few weeks involved apologies and many tears.
The apology was empty. It was heartless. For four years, I was bitter. I was angry that Cody had used me as a tool to achieve street status. I was pained to the core. The Lord broke me. I was at Venture of Faith camp in a teen camp service and found myself sobbing at an altar. I was broken and found my pastor, youth leader, best friends, and fellow youth group members to be very supportive. I left my bitterness at the altar that day, but that was just the beginning of a long road. A road of seclusion. A road of looking at myself as nothing but the left overs that Cody had not taken.
I am 21 years old and still to this day I do not look at myself as a beautiful woman. I have had four different guys that I opened up to. The first guy was a friend I met at a drama camp I attended and he was nothing but empty words and teenage mushy phrases. He started dating a girl two weeks before he decided to tell me that we should not be friends anymore. That hurt! Was I nothing but a side picture that he could play with and push away when I didn’t appeal to him anymore?
The next guy came into my life shortly after the Lord called me into full-time Christian service. He was a guy that I met on a mission’s trip. He was and still is a very good guy. He was one year younger than me, and wanted to be an evangelist. We had standards that aligned and he pushed me to grow my standards. After about a year of talking, he and I split ways. He wasn’t allowed to date for three years and I was freshman in college. I started to see he wasn’t the Lord’s will and eventually we drifted away. This was the first time I truly opened back up to a guy. It took me a year, and I never told him about Cody. I opened up only to see things change in the end.
The second guy I opened up to happened in the summer of 2014. I went on a fun date with him. We went to our college’s recreation center and I climbed a rock wall. He was telling me where to place my hands and feet. As I looked down I found him staring at my butt and body. We went bowling and the staring continued. This sent me into a crazy time of tears and fear. I felt like a slab of meat. I felt like Cody all over again. Second time opening up a very small bit and all I was to him was skin, bones, and obviously a butt.
The third time I opened up was the summer of 2015. I was working at a summer camp for eight to twelve year olds. I was being stretched and grown in the Lord in ways I cannot explain. I was solely focused in the kids and Christ. One of my fellow cabin leaders was a guy named Tyler. This guy was nothing to me at the time. We talked at the coffee table once and that was all that happened the whole summer that I worked with him. Then I got super sick and was out of camp for the last week. He sent me a message on Facebook and we hit it off. Camp got finished and we began spending time together. Our standards were the EXACT same. For you see, I don’t listen to worldly music, I don’t wear pants, I don’t use any version of the Bible except the King James Version, I know that God had called me to ministry, and that I want nothing more than to have a family and serve the Lord. This was Tyler to the core. He and I literally saw eye to eye on everything I ever could have thought of. The truth be told. I don’t look people in the eye, and I really think it all stems from Cody. I hadn’t looked at people in the eye before, but my trust in people was gone after Cody so I don’t look people in the eye to this day. Everyone except Tyler. He made me want to look him in the eye. I often caught him staring at me with this giddy grin and he would say “Im just happy to have you.” I grew more and more comfortable with the gazes. One day I became afraid, I knew that I may have to explain Cody to Tyler. That scared me to my inner being. I wanted to run. He knew something was wrong. We both got off of work that day, I dinner with friends, and then met up later after praying and pleading to the Lord separately. We prayed together, talked about the peace that the Lord had given and I knew in the moment that He was the Lord’s will for me. For seven weeks I had the man of my dreams.
It was a Sunday, when I noticed difference. He was uneasy. He was worried. Unknown to me, he was losing peace. He was drifting away. We talked a little over the next two days and I knew something was very wrong, but he was making me believe that all of it would be okay. To my surprise, that Wednesday, everything ended. It had happened again. I had opened up only to be denied. It has been nine and a half weeks since then. I have spent more time now without him than I did with him and I am still hurting. I am so tired. I know that the Lord has a plan, but I have never found it so hard to trust.
You see, my past does not define me, but it does haunt me. I see what happened with Cody and it does nothing but shape how I view myself. Tyler once told me “You make me happier and more at peace than anything or anybody has ever in my life.” He told me I would be a great mother and that he couldn’t wait to see me have my own children and that he hoped he was there to be their father. He told me more times than I can count that I looked nice, was cute, that he liked how I didn’t wear a lot of makeup, how I was more pretty because of my modesty. These all made the visions of Cody and the insecurities fade. Now, I look at it and hurt. I hurt from missing the peace I had of knowing Tyler was the will of God and was working out in front of me, but more than that, I hurt because the insecurities are back. The thoughts that all I will ever be is Cody’s left overs are still around.
I ask you for prayer. Prayer that I can allow my eyes to be opened to the beauty I have in my Creator’s eyes. Prayer that I can allow the Lord to heal the hurt, to let me allow someone to see me again. I told Tyler more about me than I told any guy in my life. I told him more than I ever have. All but Cody. He never quite got why I didn’t look him in the eyes. I wanted to so badly!!!!! I did a few times and it felt nice, but it literally took all within me to look into his eyes for more than three seconds.

January 20, 2016 at 19:23


Prayers for peace💕 Turn your eyes upon Jesus. People will disappoint you, but Christ never will.

March 1, 2016 at 22:51
Project Inspired


Please, PLEASE believe me when I say, I know how you feel. I know how it is to feel like “damaged goods”. But please let me tell you this: You are beautifully and wonderfully made. You are chosen and loved by God. He has made you whole. You are a masterpiece in His eyes. He loves you SO much! What happened to you is not your fault. We are made whole through Jesus. God has a beautiful future for you, don’t keep looking back.
After I read your testimony, it stuck with me. There are so many things I want to say but I don’t know what. A song came to me though. Francesca Battistelli’s “If We’re Honest” Even if man rejects you and hurts and abuses you, God is still God. He is always there for you, loving you for who you are. No matter what happens, God will always love you!

March 22, 2016 at 10:08


Ladies, I thank you sooo much for the encouragment! I really have found such peace in the Lord. He has become my best friend and showed me that I am loved with an everlasting love that is always there! Your comments mean so much!

March 27, 2016 at 12:35
Project Inspired


Keep God as your best friend, and then He will give you all that He wants for you. It will still be hard, but you have to let God overcome your inner demons before you can move on completely.
Also, it seems like having this wall built around you that Tyler didn’t know what it was really drove you apart. He can’t help you tear down a cement wall when he thinks it might be wood–he needs a different perspective.
Prayers and God bless!

May 17, 2016 at 09:25
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