I graduated from high school last year, but this year I’m in the school’s transition program. In my four years of high school I had really bad anxiety and a lot of social fears. God placed two very special friends in my life to help me through all of it. I don’t know how they didn’t get tired of it, but they were amazing! They showed me how to be a friend, how to be confident in myself, that it really is ok to have a hearing loss.etc Towards the beginning of the year I didn’t really have it, now it’s coming back worse than before. My senior year I read a book where the main character says “Everyone who knows me hates me”. I know people love me, but I still can’t forget that. I guess I just related to the character well. She was also talking about cutting herself and that reminded me of a scary scene in Perks of a Wallflower. A lot of times I wonder who would be sad if I suddenly wasn’t here. It doesn’t seem like my friend care when they won’t text me first… Anyway, now I’m always worried if someone sees me a lot in the hall, they’ll think I’m stalking them and also sometimes I think it’s better to stay out of sight and everyone’s way, like an empty room. I’ve also noticed a guy from my church at school stares at me a lot but he has a girlfriend. He sometimes even stares when she’s around, then they’ll both look. He also smiles when he sees me sometimes. At first, I thought I wanted to be his friend and that maybe God wanted us to be too. Now it just makes me nervous why they’re both staring. He finally accepted my follow request on Instagram but didn’t follow back or accept my request on Facebook, so I have no idea if he really wants to even talk to me. I sent my Instagram request a couple times so he probably thinks I have a disability, or does he really not know who I am and should I introduce myself? The other day he walked my table in the library but didn’t need to get something and if I look at something then look back at my table, I see him looking at me. One time he was even talking to a friend and looking at me and his face got super red! What’s going on?
There’s also a sophomore boy who I met from just around the school. One day after school, he was with friends and was staring at me while I was reading, and I could feel that every so often, he would look at me. Then at one point I noticed he pulled his shirt up a little then looked at me. Later when they left, he waited for me to look up then said ‘Hi’. Mostly he was talking to his friends though and I just loved listening to their voices and he even looked at me to include me. I was just really impressed with him since other kids his age haven’t been nice to me in the past. He said hi a couple other times, then once he didn’t out of shyness maybe? I know at that age I was really shy around older people. He looks at me in the hall but won’t say anything if he’s walking with a friend. Another time him and a girl that’s a friend kept looking at me. Should I have gone up to talk to him? Today when it was just me and him, he said ‘Hey’ though 🙂 He said it quieter than usual and it sounded a little different, drawn out maybe. I found him on Instagram and tried messaging him. Does he not know who I am either? And these people are being nice or friendly to me but they’re making me feel like an imposter. My anxiety is on and off. Today was a great day, yesterday was awful. I felt like I had no friends and someone introduced me to someone else as a special needs girl. I felt bad because I know when people think of you like that, they treat you differently. Then today I was talking with one of my good friend’s sister and she was with a friend. Later, she told me we could go out to lunch this weekend and that her friend wants to come. This morning, her friend was so sweet and gave me the nicest smile like were already friends. I was thinking that maybe people who don’t know me really do want to get to know me. (My mom said it’s because of the chemisry). I also thought I would stop believing lies but these thoughts never last that long 🙁 Lastly, I take a class with some younger kids. The first few days, there was a really nice and friendly girl. She started a conversation and asked questions. Now she won’t talk to me or really look at me. Did I do something wrong? Do these kids not like me and think I’m different? Advice please! Thank you! Most of the time, I feel like I should just stay out of sight, and now I’m only really comfortable with my sister, my good friends, my friend’s brother, the girls this morning and the sophomore who I unfortunately don’t know if he knows who I am. Like my mom said, it’s the chemistry and a connection you can feel. I want to be more comfortable around more people, but I have been hurt so badly, especially in youth groups. I do not know how pain others have been through, mine feels like one no one has ever experienced before and I don’t know if it will ever stop hurting. They never apologized, wanted to understand or care it seemed like. It’s one I hope no one ever had to experience. I think it’s sad a youth group run by aduts wouldn’t even care that their kids treated someone like that. I try to watch music videos to help because there’s no one else besides me and the singer and their emotion. It just seems safe, but not far enough away from the pain or those people. Am I stupid for having to feel safe now?
|February 16, 2016 at 21:26|
Hello, it sounds like you are very confused and having a difficult time. I just read that whole thing, and although I’m not sure what to say, I do have a couple pieces of advise.
|February 18, 2016 at 08:39|
i have the same thing but you will learn from it in the future and help you learn from your past trust me it did that i got beter at helding it
|March 22, 2016 at 10:08|
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