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Help! My Church Doesn’t Like My Boyfriend… But They Don’t Know Him…

Home Forums Life, Love & Girlfriends Relationships Help! My Church Doesn’t Like My Boyfriend… But They Don’t Know Him…

This topic contains 5 replies, has 6 voices, and was last updated by  messy_but_here 1 year, 9 months ago.

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Project Inspired


Two summers ago, I went on a youth trip and I met my now boyfriend at the church camp that my youth group volunteered at. I only spent a week there, but he and I hit it off, and pursued a friendship that was (still is) very fulfilling. This past summer, I decided to work at the camp where he and I met, and he had decided that he wasn’t going to, but his plans changed and he ended up volunteering 4 out of the 5 weeks of camp. After camp was over, he expressed his feelings toward me, and said that he would like to one day marry me. I was very happy about that, and we began pursuing what we believed would be a long distance relationship, as I had planned to move to California for college, but finances didn’t work out, so I decided to go to a significantly cheaper school in New York, which happened to be closer to him, after that school also didn’t work out, I was left broke and confused as to what God wanted me to do with my life. My boyfriend’s parents allowed me to stay with them while I applied for a job and waited to hear back, and that’s where things started to go downhill. I got phone calls from the pastors of my church telling me that I had to go back “home” (I don’t consider the place that I grew up to be my home for outside reasons), or it would be sin, they speculated that since I was living in the same state/town as my boyfriend, I must be having sex with him, which wasn’t (and still isn’t the case). It got to the point that I felt they were just harassing me, and trying to manipulate me, so I asked them not to contact me anymore. Two weeks after I started my job, I got the heartbreaking news that my mother had passed away in a horrible accident, so I had to go back to where I’m from for the funeral. While I was there, the pastors attempted to explain their side, and again tried to say that me being there was sin because my boyfriend lived near me, which I thought was just ridiculous. I decided to come back to help my family deal with their depression of losing my mom not long ago, and already I am being contacted by these pastors and being told that coming back was the right move, and they’ll help me get on the right track. One thing that I made clear was that I would not break up with my boyfriend unless there was a clear cut sin issue that could not be resolved without ending the relationship, if they ask me to break up with him, what should I do? They say they have nothing against him, but they also always have a snide remark when he’s mentioned in conversation, and it bothers me. Should I go back to where I consider to be my home, or should I stay and bear with them?

February 28, 2015 at 08:48



February 28, 2015 at 21:52


honestly, I think the pastors have the right idea, but are giving off a bad impression. I think they have good thoughts, they just want to protect you. yes, when you live in the same home as your bf, the temptation might be strong to want to do something with your bf. however it is your decision in the end. I will be praying. 🙂

March 1, 2015 at 04:48


I think they’re making some assumptions that aren’t true, based on having not enough information. People do it, and it sucks a lot, but that doesn’t make them a)bad or b) right. Try telling them that that in’t hat happened, and that you feel you are at home in your current city/living space. Also, ask them to trust you. If you’re determined not to have sex, tell them that, and that you’re committed and you think you may be headed towards marriage, eventually.
Again, you said yourself, they don’t know. Try explaining yourself. And even if they don’t get it, in the end, that doesn’t make them right. It’s your life

March 1, 2015 at 11:59
Broken Vessel

Broken Vessel

I think that’s ridiculous, and I think churches do that way too much. I would say to continue your relationship, unless- like you mentioned above- there is a sin issue that can’t be resolved until by anything other than breaking up. Otherwise, carry on.

March 3, 2015 at 08:10
Project Inspired


I can’t speak to the intent of these pastors, but I can absolutely say that their behavior is unacceptable. You asked them not to contact you and they continued to — that is not something done in love, and it’s not acceptable behavior.

Even if they meant well, when they said that because you were living near your boyfriend it was sin, that was a lie. God sent people all over the bible, into all sorts of situations — sin is always a matter of the heart, not your physical situation. No matter their intention, if they’re speaking lies into your life — which they are — it’s wise to remove their influence.

I’d strongly recommend looking for a new church. I realize that can be really scary and really difficult, but these pastors are not acting as agents of God. There are churches that are full of real Godly love. I have the huge blessing of attending one. This church that these pastors are with? That’s not what godly community looks like. Don’t get discouraged, you may have to hunt for it, but it exists. When Jesus met prostitutes? He saved them from being stoned, he freed them from being trapped by their past sins. Jesus met shame with love.

These pastors are meeting something that isn’t shameful at all with rude comments and inconsiderate behavior.

Corinthians says that love is patient and kind, and these pastors are being neither patient nor kind to you.

If they have a snide remark during every conversation, then they DO have something against him. When they say they don’t they’re lying.

Your church should be excited to support you in New York, as sort of a ‘missionary’ to the people there, as someone spreading God’s love even further than the roots of the church. If a church harasses you to return to them? That’s not a church, it’s a cult.

This may seem harsh, but Paul had some very strong words for false prophets. Jesus flipped over tables when people abused his house of worship and turned it into a marketplace. When someone takes the name of something that should be full of love — the church — and turns it into something full of snide judgement, well, that should make us upset.

I’m very glad that you’ve made the boundary to not break up with your boyfriend unless there’s a direct sin issue. These pastors are not providing you with wise counsel. Pray for wisdom from God directly, and he’ll give it to you. If you can get real, godly wise counsel, seeking that is always good. But if you can’t God’s not going to leave you hanging — he’s going to make sure you know what you need to know, and he’s going to catch you when you fall.

Don’t be afraid to make boundaries with these pastors. Don’t be afraid to tell them not to contact you again. Be brave. You’re worth it. You’re worth being told truth, not being told lies, and these pastors are telling you lies. I’m so sorry. You’re worth so much more.

March 6, 2015 at 19:46
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