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How do I guard my heart from hurt and jealousy?

Home Forums Life, Love & Girlfriends Relationships How do I guard my heart from hurt and jealousy?

This topic contains 1 reply, has 2 voices, and was last updated by  emhen 1 year, 9 months ago.

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Project Inspired


I have been dating a wonderful man for almost 5 months. We were classmates our whole lives in our village and in our mid-twenties. When we go through misunderstandings we will always talk it out and we will always ask for forgiveness and we pray together about what concerns our hearts.
When we first started dating many girls (who are in high school or just out of high school) from church were upset because they liked him as well. A couple of them have been using their body to get him to look at them and they way they talk about “weird” subjects to him makes my stomach turn. I saw him fall for looking at their bodies not dressed modestly while they pose before him. It hurt me and we talked about it later that night and since he has been taking the stand and walking the other way while they girls try to seduce him.
One of them every time I see her she mentions how she wakes up to him sleeping on the couch (his family took her in so she will be safe from family issues) and it makes me feel uncomfortable. Once they had his niece text me if she and another girl could sleep in his bed (we live in a small isolated town and families are close knit.) Another girl always wants to be by his side and always talks with him and laughs. It hurts my heart and makes me cry. I’ve been just avoiding these girls in our youth group because I don’t know how to handle this.
I talked with him about it a couple times and he says that he is creeped out about them and that he will talk with them that he doesn’t not like that. He says that he doesn’t want them because he wants me. (My dad is battling cancer and my family almost lost him a few times the past year. My boyfriend said that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. He said he knows that he doesn’t want to rush me but he wanted my dad to be there with us.) I can see us together and married and I would choose him. So I don’t see any commitment red flags.
The Lord has been working on my heart about jealousy and bitterness towards these girls. My ma said that the Lord is getting those things out before marriage because those things need to be addressed or it will kill the relationship. So I have been letting God work on my heart and the past two weeks I have invited them for meals after church and cooked for them. It has been great and accomplishing. Today I felt like they are my friends but at youth group that one girl always wants to be by his side, touches his shoulder and like flirts with him.
I don’t feel my relationship is honored by these girls in our youth group but I have never dealt with this before. I have cried so much today because they are my friends and I didn’t feel any respect for my relationship with him and his with me.
I noticed that he has been distant this week and it scares me that maybe he changed his mind about being together. We always give a good night hug before he goes home, we say, “I love you” and we tell each other our list of what we were thankful for that happened during the day. But tonight he just left without doing our good night hugs, thank yous and an “I love you”. His texts have been short and when we are together in person he is quiet. We are always laughing, smiling and having a good time. But the past couple weeks it has been quiet, different and he doesn’t laugh like we used to.
How do I stop from always running away by avoiding friendship with the girls? How do I love them when they do this? Is this relationship falling apart?

February 26, 2015 at 06:19


Talk talk and talk. Communicate with these girls individually. Don’t confront them but maybe ask them if you guys can go to coffee and talk about some things. If they’re your friend this shouldn’t be weird. Just openly tell them a few particular things that they have done that bothered you. Try to say a specific occurrence rather than “I hate it when you do this All the time” so you have something to work with. If you do this with each individually hopefully they’ll be able to see what they’ve been doing more clearly. Sometimes girls don’t realize what they’re doing. I know with some of them it might be that nothing’s going to work to change them. In this case you just really need to talk more with your boyfriend. Ask him if it’s affecting your relationship. It’s ultimately up to him to guard his heart and eyes. It’s up to him and you to work together to work over this obstacle. And pray together!! It’s Sooo important that you both pray for God to bless your relationship and help you through issues like this. He has an awesome plan for both of you! I’ll be praying with you(:

February 27, 2015 at 19:18
Project Inspired


If he’s creeped out by them, he needs to speak up!

Thing of a girl being creeped out by a guy touching her all the time. We’re quick to jump to defend her personal safety and comfort. Just because he’s a guy doesn’t mean he’s entitled to less boundaries, and doesn’t mean he can’t define physical boundaries with girls he knows. What I absolutely do NOT mean is “if he loved you he’d say something!” What I mean is, if he’s creeped out, encourage him to value himself enough to say something. Encourage him to be brave about it, without expecting anything from him. Speaking up for yourself is really, really hard, but it’s important. If he can’t care for himself in that way, how can he care for you in that way? I don’t mean that as a red flag, but as something for you to grow through together.

Most importantly:

You. Are. Enough.

Your worth comes from God, not from this boy. And God says you are enough. He says you’re enough even if this boy cheats on you, even if he leaves you, even if your friends leave you — you are good enough. You don’t have to be afraid.

And definitely don’t overanalyze the length of his replies, or whether or not he hugged you. Most guys don’t care about tiny details like that. That seems very frustrating, but you know what’s great? When you’re crying ’cause you broke a bowl and he doesn’t care because he still thinks you’re beautiful. When you failed that exam but he still thinks you’re smart. When you spill bleach on your clothes but he still thinks you’re competent.

I got a great piece of advice once — don’t let your level of intimacy exceed your level of commitment. Realize that until you’re engaged — really, until you’re married — you guys might break up. It would hurt. But you’d be okay.

And let me tell you, if you’re in a long term, deep relationship with someone — they’re going to do way worse than be quiet. They’re going to mess up big time. They’re going to drop the ball. We’re all human, and we all do it, there’s no avoiding it. When you commit to marrying someone, you commit to doing that for forever.

Right now? You do the best you can. You learn how to love even when it’s hard, without expecting anything in return.

Being brave and loving when it’s hard?

It hurts. It hurts a lot.

Life hurts a lot.

Our nail-pierce cross-bowed bloody-headed gasping savior knows just how much life hurts.

And he’s right there next to you whispering that everything’s going to be alright. That it’s going to hurt, but you’re going to heal. That it may be ugly now, but he’ll make it beautiful.

As for your friendships with the girls? Real friendships are messy and hard. Honesty is hard. Probably the best way to deal with jealousy is to let it right out in the ugly, messy open. Let them know how you feel. They may not know what they’re doing. And if they do know, that’s not a healthy friendship anyway. It’s going to take a whole lot of courage to confront them. But I know you can do it. In Christ all things are possible. He goes before you. Pray for wisdom, pray for words. Realize that nothing’s going to come out right without him, but that everything’s going to come out just how it’s supposed to with him. He loves you, passionately, ardently, brightly, enough to literally fight demons for you. That’s a man who’s going to take good care of you no matter what.

So you schedule that lunch and you start those brave and hard words, “Hey, I know this is awkward, but it makes me really uncomfortable when you touch my boyfriend on the shoulder because I feel like that means you don’t respect our relationship…”

And you breathe.

And you trust God.

And he’ll get you through everything.

March 5, 2015 at 16:34
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