Please bear with me as I freak out.
I have just been soooooo stressed and depressed and anxious about every. single. thing. lately.
I’m finally starting college at a university in the fall, and low and behold my parents suddenly announce they are moving out of state. I had been planning to move out when I started to be closer to the school, but I had thought I’d have all summer to get that settled.
I moved around a ton as a kid so I don’t feel like I have any close friends I can talk to about this. Also recently I’ve been coming to terms with the fact that the way I was raised was crazy and downright wrong and toxic.
To be clear, not Christianity or Jesus, but the subculture I was raised in was so strict and legalistic and almost cultish (though maybe that’s a bit dramatic) and it’s just totally messing with my head.
Also, there’s tons of secrecy is my family and no one is honest; not in an illegal way, but in the sense that everyone acts the way they think they’re supposed to act, pushes all the terrible things that have happened aside (verbal abuse and sometimes physical abuse due to my dad’s violent temper when I was growing up) and pretends to be this nice little Christian family. It makes me sick.
We are probably the worst Christian family. Well maybe not, honestly, I don’t think any of what happened–even my dad’s violence–would have been so terrible if they had been open and honest about it and admitted my dad had a problem.
Nobody ever says what they really think or believe because my parents would freak.
I am so, so sick of this dishonesty and nobody communicating. It’s killing me and I don’t know what to do about it. I’m so sick of lies, and pretending, and I just want everything to be out in the open, no matter how bad it is, because literally nothing could be worse than this.
My mom and dad are both depressed and anxious and I think it’s rubbed off on me some, it’s so hard to be around them. They also over-spiritualize everything and lack any sort of common sense. I love them, and I know they love me, but everything and everyone is driving me crazy and I don’t know what to do.
Actually I do, but I’m so afraid to trust myself I can’t follow what I actually believe or do what I think is right, which probably sounds crazy, but basically I was raised to not trust myself. I had to believe exactly what my parents/the church believed or I was going to Hell. I know now that this isn’t true, that being a Christian is based solely on what Jesus has done, but doubting myself has become a habit, and it’s hard to break. It’s also hard to break the image that God is going to be angry if I make a mistake and when I think about all the pressure that was put on me as a child–to basically be perfect– it makes me sick too.
And then sometimes I worry I will become like my parents.
Anyway, thank you for reading, I don’t have anyone else to tell. You girls are the best. Love you all <3
|April 25, 2016 at 14:21|
Im so sorry. I kind of understand where you are coming from, and I would HIGHLY recommend therapy. Not because something is wrong with you (I know that is a lot of people’s first thought when therapy is mentioned) but because it can help you process, get an unbiased look on your life, and teach you skills to thrive in your life. Especially during that time of uncertainty. Plus, you would have someone to talk to once a week about anything.
|April 26, 2016 at 21:00|
Thanks for your reply! I have considered therapy, and would like to go but haven’t been able to for various personal reasons. I’m hoping to go in the near future though, I think it would be really helpful.
|April 26, 2016 at 21:34|
I know there are tons of factors that go into it, but if money is one of the issues look into local universities (who usually offer free or very discounted rates) and sliding scale options. Most places are willing to work with you to find a way.
And I hope you can go soon.
|April 27, 2016 at 21:04|
You must be logged in to reply to this topic.