This might be a little lengthy, so I apologize in advance.
I’ve just been having a really crummy time for the past eight months, and it’s affected me so much that I feel like I’m a different person.
It all started at the end of July, when my first love broke up with me because he felt too much pressure. He told me that it wasn’t my fault, but no matter what he said, I felt like that if I had just been better, or if something about me had been different, he would have stayed. So I started putting myself down constantly. I wondered if I was annoying or clingy or not attractive enough, and at some point, just started degrading myself in any way I could because I felt like I must have been really difficult to love if I hadn’t been enough to make him stay.
Then I started college. I’d already lost two friends in addition to my ex because they said some really awful things to me for no reason. A lot of my high school friends just stopped talking to me, inviting me to things, and I didn’t understand why. I know that they’re busy, and I know that it’s just easier for them to hang out with other high school friends instead of a friend who went to college. But I still keep convincing myself that they just don’t want me around. Sometimes I see them post stuff on Facebook where they’re having so much fun without me and I feel terrible.
In addition to all my new self-esteem issues, I have the stress of college, of course. And on top of that, my work performance has been struggling. I work in food service, and my manager talked to me to tell me that a customer complained using my name about how unattentive I was. He noted that my coworkers have noticed that I don’t smile as much as I used to. I told him that I had personal stuff going on, and he was really supportive, but also told me that when I come into work, I need to leave my problems at the door. And I know he’s right. It’s just hard.
It’s like every little thing frustrates me. The tiniest inconvieniences make me want to scream inside, and it’s ridiculous. I feel like I’m angry or sad more often than I’m happy. I used to be a really sunny, optimistic person. I definitely don’t know how to be that person right now. I keep waiting for things to look better, but it’s been eight months and I’m so scared I’m not going to recover anytime soon.
TLDR; I’ve been struggling with feeling like I’m difficult to love. I’m always sad or angry or grumpy, and people used to comment on how I was almost always happy. I miss it. I miss the person I used to be. But I feel like I conditioned myself to rely on other people for my happiness, and it’s hard to do that when so many of those people just abandoned me for no reason.
I honestly don’t know what to do. I feel hopeless. Any help would be appreciated.
|March 9, 2016 at 21:51|
Hello, love. 🙂 Firstly, have you ever had depression in the past and/or do you think there’s any possibility you have it now? Of course there’s a difference between going through a rough time, and having something physically wrong that is causing you to always feel sad/angry/upset; but based on your description, I think you might want to consider that you’re actually depressed. And if you think it might be depression, then talk to your parents or another trusted adult, or just go straight to the doctor and talk to them about it (I don’t know how reliant on your parents you still are, so it’s best for you to discern whether you should talk to them first or just go to the doctor on your own).
Secondly, you pretty much just described my freshman year (feeling as if people don’t like me and beating myself up because of it). So I can understand what you’re going through to some extent. You just have to force yourself to realize, there’s a million explanations for other people’s choices, no matter what crazy story your brain decides to convince you of. And, without fail, you will always to convince yourself that it’s your fault, and you should fix it, and you are unloved, and people don’t like you. But you have to choose to block those things out, because they’re never true. Your boyfriend broke up with you; but you know what? That’s his choice. He wimped out. And that may be a difficult thing for you since you cared about him, but if you keep yourself wrapped up in that, then that experience is going to keep coming back to you, it’s going to keep causing you harm, and it’s going to keep you from moving on to better things. You just have to step aside–metaphorically–and be like, I am done with that. It doesn’t matter what he did or whose fault it was or why it happened, because I am still Emera, I still have my life to live, I am still loved by the Creator of the universe, I am still beautiful and precious and worth more than gold in His eyes, and nothing can ever change that, so I am going to move on and keep living my life with hope that there is something better up ahead. And that all goes for any situation where you come out feeling unloved, upset, or lonely.
And that brings me to the third thing–where are you with God right now? (You don’t have to tell us if you don’t want to, but at least think about it). Sometimes in difficult times/situations like this, we have to go back to square one: God is still there, in control of everything, and He wants me to go to Him. And by go to Him, I don’t mean pray or read a few Bible verses, because that isn’t going to magically *poof* everything away. I mean seek Him out with everything you’ve got. I think sometimes God puts people in a place in their life where they feel lonely, and hopeless, and unloved/unwanted, and they can no longer rely on people for happiness, because He wants them to learn what it really is to rely on *Him* for all those things. Because that’s really what we’re supposed to be doing in the first place, but because of human nature and how He created us to live in fellowship, we often seek out self worth and happiness and everything in other people, even though we will never find full satisfaction in that. Does that make sense?
I hope this helped at all…I’ll be praying for you, and do not give up fighting through this! You’ll get there; or more likely, God’ll get you there. I love you, and remember you’re ~beautiful~! <3 ^.^
|March 10, 2016 at 07:52|
|March 10, 2016 at 19:03|
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