One of my best friends is about two years younger than me. She is an upcoming senior in high school and has been in a relationship for six months. At first, I was happy for her. I’ve never met her boyfriend, but my sister has told me that he’s a jerk. My sister doesn’t like a lot of people, though, so I kind of just brushed it off.
But a couple months into the relationship, my friend started shutting people out. She’d always pick her boyfriend over her friends. I can’t count the number of times she cancelled on me and other friends to hang out with her boyfriend instead.
She also got in huge trouble with her mother for the time she spent with him. She’s in the drama program at her high school, and she would lie to her mother and say that rehearsal was going late so she could spend time with her boyfriend instead. Her mother found out, and she got in big trouble. She’s not allowed to stay out to do ANYTHING past 6 or 7 anymore.
Then, I heard the stories. There was one day that my friend did something that her boyfriend didn’t like (I think she ditched class or something), and instead of politely trying to communicate and sort it out with her, he didn’t speak to her for a day as punishment.
I hung out with my friend yesterday for the first time in months. And she said that her boyfriend gets angry a lot. He has trust issues because he’s been cheated on in the past. (But it just sounded like she’s making excuses for him).
What really got me is this: So, like I said, she’s in drama. And the drama teacher is interested in having her try out for the lead in a play for next year, where the character has to kiss/straddle the male lead. (Y’know, acting. But her boyfriend doesn’t grasp that). When she told her boyfriend this, he got very upset and told her that he didn’t want her to audition for the play at all. She told me that and our other friends that she really wants the role, but doesn’t want to hurt him. (One of our other friends, bless her soul, told my friend that she just needs to sit her boyfriend down and talk it out with him and tell him that he can’t tell her what to do).
The thing is, my friend LOVES him. Unapologetically thinks he’s flawless. They’re always together, her Snapchats are filled with pictures of her goggling over him. They haven’t had full-on sex yet, but she says they’re getting close. They’ve experimented with hand/oral stuff, and she’s always covered in hickies. (I know what other people do is none of my business, but I’m super worried about how much she’s investing in this potentially toxic relationship).
He’s also asked her to move in with him once they’ve graduated high school, and I’m so worried about her.
Anyway, I don’t know how to talk to her without hurting her or making her angry. These are only the things I’ve heard, and I don’t want to guess what else he’s done. I’m scared I might be overreacting, but all of my friends who have met him dislike him and agree that he’s controlling. I don’t want it to escalate. What should I do?
|June 16, 2016 at 12:50|
|June 20, 2016 at 12:36|
Gosh, that is tough.
As someone who has been in a toxic, controlling, and emotionally abusive relationship at 17 all I can say is it is really on her terms, and sadly, they have to realize it for themselves. You can voice your concerns, point out the things that don’t sit right with you, but that is about it. Forcing your ideas on her, a lot of times just makes them pull away from the little contact they already get, and then you’ve lost all opportunity.
So I’d say try to find a time to meet, explain your concerns but that you understand it is their relationship, and if she ever wants to talk or needs something you are there. Because I had people like that, when I was ready to get out of my relationship (I mostly stayed because as much as the controlling sucked, I loved the attention and romance) I had people who could help me. Which even if you aren’t engaged or married is extremely important to have.
|June 20, 2016 at 20:15|
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