Please. To whoever is reading this, I ask that you drop your defenses and step away from fear for just one moment. I was right where you were just a few months ago. I remember what it was like to hear the word \”gay\” and automatically think \”sin.\” To think that gay=immoral relationships. To be gay was to sin against God.
I first need to clear up some terms. There is actually such thing as a \”gay Christian\” who is not sinning. You see, in the conservative church I was taught that gay is a choice of lifestyle. I need to clarify: living a gay lifestyle is a choice, being gay is not. One does not choose to be gay. Remember back in middle school when you first felt sparks for a certain guy? That never happened for me.. I waited and prayed. But I only felt it for other girls. I can pray and ask God to make me straight. But that may not be in His plans for me. Just like you can ask God for any other prayer… He may or may not choose to answer in the way you\’d like. Simply being gay is not a choice. We live in a fallen world. Parts of us are not perfect, because we are not perfect. But that does not mean I chose this imperfection.
A little of my story: I was raised in a super conservative Christian home. My father was and still is very open about his disgust for the gay life style. But it\’s not just the lifestyle.. it\’s all things gay. He believes it is a choice to be gay. I started to acquire his same mindset and automatically got \”fired up\” whenever I\’d hear the word gay, and instantly felt like I needed to tell them of their sin and how the Bible says that being gay is wrong. I think a lot of Christians do the same. This all felt like the right thing until my world was slowly turning upside down. I realized I myself am gay. I have experienced these attractions since 7th grade, and it took me until now to accept it. 7 years of complete denial. This made friendships with other girls so complicated and full of pain. Why was I crying myself to sleep for months after losing a friend? I now realized because I was going through heartbreak. I was so deeply connected to other girls and didn\’t know why. There are many LGBT Christians who are struggling because no one in the conservative Church ever teaches you what it\’s like to experience same sex attractions and still be madly in love with Jesus. I did not choose this. Why would I ever choose to put myself in this position, choose to go through so much pain and condemnation? This is the part many seem to not understand. I did not choose this. I\’ve always dreamed of having a husband and children one day. Realizing that honoring God may mean living my entire life unmarried was, and still is absolutely heart wrenching.
It was so incredibly humbling to realize I was against a group that I was a part of this whole time.
Girls… it\’s time that we start loving our LGBT brothers and sisters. I understand this may be a new topic for you and scary to think about. But the church has made a mistake. The church is full of humans, humans who make mistakes.
There are gay Christians who have made a commitment to God to not get married, because based off their understanding of passages regarding homosexuality, they think they are called to a life of celibacy. There are also those who are marrying. We need to them all the same. Truly try to put yourself in our shoes. Imagine coming to this realization… that honoring God may mean that marriage is out of the question. It is scary, terrifyingly alone. The church needs to be a safe haven where it is understood that this is not their choice. It is what they do with this attraction that is a choice.
Please, if a friend ever trusts you so dearly to tell you they are gay, let the first thing you do is tell them how you love them all the same, maybe even more for trusting you with this. Do not just tell them the 5 verses against gay marriage. Trust me, we know. We’ve read them all and we’ve cried over those verses because they are talked so about so much. Many of us have come to be disgusted with ourselves, because we think we’re sinning by simply existing. But girls, we are human. And we need to be reminded of that.
I\’m not asking for your opinion on gay marriage. That is a completely different issue. The issue is that most straight Christians don\’t understand that just like they didn\’t choose to be straight, I didn\’t choose to be gay. Why would I ever choose to walk through this confusion and pain?
Please, please read these blogs to further understand: http://spiritualfriendship.org/2014/07/23/lives-that-go-unwitnessed-2/
And conservative parents who had a gay son: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P8ntauVWRUY
I am begging you to pray about this. There are huge misunderstandings. We are not loving God\’s LGBT children like Jesus would have. The church should be known first and foremost for Christ’s love, not for opposition of gays. Take some time to really get to know gay Christians. They are there, and they need to be heard and loved.
|January 23, 2015 at 14:42|
What i don’t understand is God said to love everyone. And even for those people who believe being gay is a sin, and are bring hateful and judging them are sinning. God sees all sins alike. Kinda like skyscrapers..We see them as different sizes killing someone in our eyes is worse than stealing or lying. or not loving thy neighbor like this -_| |—| | ( bad skyscrapers but i tried lol) but God sees them even. ——————.
1 Peter 4:8
|January 23, 2015 at 18:13|
I’m sorry you went through what you did, but know that this lifestyle that you didn’t even want in the first place can ALWAYS change! 🙂 I know you said you prayed and prayed and asked God to be straight, but there’s more to it than that.
I’m not going to shove my opinions on gay marriage or being gay in general, but have you ever thought that maybe God is putting you through this to help you realize that you can overcome even the greatest challenges? You weren’t born gay, and so many people love you as you are today. God doesn’t change, Jesus doesn’t change, but I can never say the same for people. There are going to be people out there that don’t except you and cast you out, but don’t pay attention to them. You can overcome anything.
The very fact that you don’t desire to be gay and want to pursue an amazing relationship with God means that Christ is already working in your life. He does more than you think. Even when you come to the conclusion that He’s left you or deserted you because of how conflicted your feeling about all of this, or what you label yourself as—He is NEVER going to leave you. He’s still going to work in your life, He’s going to give you good night sleeps and keep you safe from people that can physically harm you. He’s STILL going to give you blessings, and that’s because you believe in Him. You believe and love Him and desire for Him to help you through this tough part of your life.
I too have been growing up a Christian all of my life. My sister Hannah is struggling with wanting to be a boy at the moment, and when she told my mom what she wanted to be, it tore our house apart. Making those decisions means she give up on what God originally made her, and it gave way for demons to enter our house and walk freely with us every day. My mom stayed up countless nights studying her bible and fighting these certain demons—all for some peace in our home. Every morning you could feel the quietness and serenity that she worked so hard for the previous night, but my sister would only bring it back again once more. My sister always was a tomboy, but as she became a teenager, she let the wrong things in the world influence her into completely turning away from God. I didn’t even know her anymore. My mom and dad loved her still and excepted her more than ever, but the one thing they couldn’t accept was how she was slowly turning away from God. That’s what tore our house apart, because we God had always given us peace and happiness and blessings throughout our lives—to have it suddenly be corrupted caught us terribly off guard.
You’re different, though. Unlike my sister, you still desire to change, and there is so much possibility to that. Like I said, it’s never permanent. It’s not a phase, it’s a block in the path that God’s set for you. A block in the road can always be fixed!
You’re going to struggle, it isn’t going to be easy. I promise you this—one day Jesus is going to come back for you after all of your hard work on this earth, and you can enjoy forever in peace and joy and comfort, without harm and without worries. He has an entire mansion prepared for you up there. All of those adventures with your family and friends, moments you were at your happiness—times it by a few thousand. That’s Heaven, and that’s where your going. That’s where your hope in God lies, and I’m extremely glad to hear that you haven’t given up.
You have SO much potential where are you right now! Don’t ever think you need to handle this on your own or figure everything out. Take some real quiet time out with God, read some positive verses in the bible. Not the ones that make you feel bad or ashamed, because that’s not what He wanted for you. He’s standing by and waiting for you to talk to him, and in fact, he’s encouraging you to dump all of his problems on Him! He can take care of them better than you can, trust me. That’s one of the reasons He’s there, to have give every problem to him.
Here’s the catch—you have to be believe. And I don’t mean half-heartedly, either. You gotta fight, and realize that you have way more power in your little toes than the devil has had in his entire existence. In Jesus’ name, he’s not going to give you heavy loads anymore.
I’m going to pray for you. The more you fight, the more you find your way to victory. God is the key, here! 🙂 Spend time with him every day, in the quietest place you know. Focus really hard, and make sure to listen—and just believe. That’s our only part in all of this, because God will do the rest. I know you can move past this, I know for a fact that He gave you a dream of having a husband and children one day for a solid reason. He will give you that! Elizabeth in the bible wanted the same thing, and she believed in God more and more each day, and it happened because God blessed her. She couldn’t even get pregnant!
I love you so so so so much, and you’re always going to have God supporting you and loving you more than I or anyone else ever could. And again, I will definitely be praying for you. You’ve got God on your side, so don’t give up.
Those churches and families and people that don’t love LGBT children that desire for God just as much as everyone else are WRONG. They aren’t showing Christ’s love, I 100% agree there. I was blessed enough to live in a family that accepted everyone as they were, and promised to help them through the tough road blocks in there lives.
Don’t listen to the people that aren’t willing to accept, their pride is getting in the way of God’s true love. But as I said before, go to the quietest place that you know, take a bible and read these verses out loud (if you can) that I’ve given you below. They’re about promising things when you’re afraid or confused or feeling lost. So turn to him for everything and give him your problems, even if that’s the slightest bit hard. The moment you choose to do that, God will bless you so abundantly! I know that with God’s help, you will conquer so much. 🙂
Deuteronomy 31:6 –
“Be strong and brave. Don’t be afraid of them and don’t be frightened, because the Lord your God will go with you. He will not leave you or forget you.”
Jeremiah 32:27 –
“I am the Lord, the God of every person on the earth. Nothing is impossible for me.”
Psalm 66:9 –
“He protects our lives and does not let us be defeated.”
John 14: 1, 27 –
“Jesus said, ‘Don’t let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God, and trust in me. I leave you peace, my peace that I give you. I do not give it to you as the world does. So don’t let your hearts be troubled or afraid.”
Psalm 27:1 –
The Lord is my light and the one who saves me. So why should I fear anyone? The Lord protects my life. So why should I be afraid?”
Psalm 46:1-3 –
“God is our protection and our strength. He always helps in times of trouble, so we will not be afraid even if the earth shakes, or the mountains fall into the sea, even if the oceans roar and foam, or the mountains shake at the raging sea.”
|January 24, 2015 at 06:57|
I agree with you Emilyerin17. No sin should ever be held worse than another.
And snowsong, I can tell that you genuinely care and read my post well. So thank you so much for that. I don’t doubt that God has the power to make me straight, but I have to explain why this well meaning message can actually be so damaging for LGBT Christians.
You said that I wasn’t born gay, and that could very well be true, but it may also not be. We live in a world that is fallen. There are parts of us that are imperfect. I believe this is one of those parts. There is research supporting a possible “gay gene” basically, I got in from my father instead of my mother, which is what causes me to be attracted to girls instead of guys. I go to a super conservative Christian college, and even their psychology department teaches that you don’t choose to be gay and can’t change to being straight. This is where by saying that God will definitely change us, we are forgetting that He has a will and plan for our lives. Not everyone is called to be married and have children. So by promising gay Christians that conversion therapy and trusting God will change them, they are crushed when they whole-heartedly do all those things and are still gay. God has the power to do miracles, but doesn’t always answer our prayers in the way we want. Just like when someone is terminally ill, we can pray and God can heal them. But that’s not always in His plans.
Also it’s important to point out that the Bible does not say that one’s unchosen sexual orientation is sinful, rather where sin comes in is what we decide to do with those attractions.
It’s really hard to explain to someone who hasn’t walked this path. But I’ll do my best. Just try to imagine the Bible actually said we’re called to pursue gay relationships, and straight relationships were a sin (I know this is far from the truth, just trying to allow you to walk in my shoes). Think about how automatic your attraction is for guys. You don’t think about it, it just comes. Now imagine the church promising that if you just trust hard enough in God, and try hard enough, you can make those attractions stop, you can change. You can become gay. But you can’t. Because it’s so deeply a part of who you are, not something you can change. Of course God is capable of miracles. But He will only do so if in His plans.
You can see how damaging this can be, to promise gay people that they can become straight. What we can promise gay Christians is that God loves them, and will never leave their side. So thank you for that reminder. I hope I clarified some things, feel free to ask me more questions.
As for your sister, she will be in my prayers. I don’t know what that’s like, but I read once that it feels like “you’re a boy trapped inside a girls body.” Think about how scary that would feel. It’s important that you guys remember she didn’t choose those feelings, and probably wishes she didn’t have them. She can have this inner struggle and still be welcomed in the Church. She does not need to choose. Also remember, changing those feelings isn’t a matter of just “trying hard enough.” They’re automatic and a part of who she is. I’ll pray for you guys. <3
|January 24, 2015 at 15:54|
This part of your post meant a lot to me:
It’s just hard to explain to people exactly what my experience is like when they haven’t gone down this exact path, and that’s what I’m trying to do. Being same-sex attracted is different than temptations like lying or stealing. Because it comes automatically. With the temptation to lie, you can think “I have to lie” or “No, I’m not going to lie because God doesn’t want me to.” Where as being gay, I don’t decide to be attracted to men or women. It just happens. What I think can lead to sin is me pursuing a relationship with another woman, because that’s clearly a choice. I’m still carefully studying scriptures though.
|January 24, 2015 at 18:45|
One thing really stood out to me more than anything:
May I just say that you have the capability to teach others something really important: that being gay or lesbian or bisexual or whatever is not just based on physical or sexual attraction. SO many people believe that that the base of homosexuality is some different type of physical attraction, but it’s not. As beautiful as I think some of my friends are, I am not and probably never will be interested in them romantically. That’s just the way it is, because I don’t feel that way about them emotionally. The problem is that there are so many Christians who don’t realize that homosexuality is not about sex, especially when we are talking about those who are Christ followers, like you. The thing you said ^^^ up there though, is proof to me that what they think is completely untrue, and I think that’s a reason why so many Christians condemn homosexuality. They don’t know the full truth behind it and behind why it happens in the first place.
Sorry if what I’m trying to say is unclear, my thoughts are kind of jumbled right now. But I just wanted to say that I admire you soooooo much. The fact that you are willing to not get married- even though you want to- because of your devotion to Christ, shows how strong of a person you are and that’s so incredible. If more Christians knew your story, more people would be accepting of homosexuality. I truly believe that.
|January 25, 2015 at 15:58|
Chloe: Wow. Thank you so much. All of what you said is extremely kind and I can’t explain how much it means to me. You pointed out something that I completely forgot to cover: What I experience when having these attractions. You explained it incredibly well, too. After many years of hearing my straight friends talk about the different guys they have crushes on, I have noticed this: my attractions are much more emotionally tied, than physical. So much so that I think that’s why for the longest time I didn’t realize what I was experiencing was same-sex attraction. In middle/high school, all of the girls I experienced this with were a year or two older than myself. So this led me to believe that I was just looking up to them as “role models” and that the deep connection I was experiencing was what all people feel with their role models. Also, women are many times much more emotionally tied to each other than men. I noticed the strongest connection with other girls, and when I feel drawn to them most is when we’re vulnerable with each other, sharing the deepest parts of ourselves. I’ve yet to have the urge to kiss (or other sexual thoughts) of these girls that I’ve felt this for. I’m not sure if this is the common experience of same-sex attracted, but it has been for me. The best way I can sum it up: There’s certain people I connect with very deeply. It’s a desire for deep friendship, closeness, vulnerability, and to love and be loved back. In someone’s writing they pointed out that not all of those desires are sinful.. and can actually lead me to care for other women in a more profound way. It becomes sinful when it becomes lust (aka using them as tools for my happiness), only getting to know them because of the way they make me feel.
Thank you so, so much again Chloe. Your post brings me a lot of hope.
|January 25, 2015 at 17:40|
Dude, I love LGBTQIA people!
I see gay guys come out, and the first thing that I see thrown out to them (besides the ”I’ll pray for you, sinner”) is “But you could catch AIDS!”
Because “I like this person” ≠ “See ya! I’m about to go have sex with this person”
|January 26, 2015 at 07:09|
Chloe & Broken Vessel, you’re awesome. As a lesbian (used to identify as bisexual, kinda realized that wasn’t true but that’s a different story, tres complique) I totally love that you understand that attraction is not always physical want or sex. It’s about romantic attraction, a want for intimacy, a life partnership, and SO MUCH of it is heart-feelings. The same, I imagine, as a straight person who falls in love. When anyone crushes on someone, physical attraction is often a part of it, but that doesn’t mean they’re automatically like “I MUST DO THE SEX.” That would be such an extreme reaction haha.
|January 27, 2015 at 17:20|
I really appreciate that understanding as well. It makes me feel a lot more human haha
|January 27, 2015 at 20:46|
Totally get the feeling too, Hannah. It’s so hard to explain sometimes that “No, I’m not just a bunch of sex fantasies. I’m a person and I’m complex and want love and a bunch of other normal things.” It’s so nice when people remember that on their own
|January 28, 2015 at 16:29|
I agree that I want to be seen as human. I long to be loved just like everyone else. It’s not some creepy or inhuman feelings I have. They just happen to be for women, rather than men. Why? I have no idea. I never “decided” to be gay. It’s just how I am wired I guess.
|January 30, 2015 at 16:53|
I’m sorry if you’ve gotten a lot of negative talk. I don’t really understand why so many conservative Christians think that this is like the worst thing ever. What about when Christians are mean and gossip to their friends at church? ( My family was really hurt by that) I guess I think that the hurtful actions and comments from other Christians are much more harmful than someone’s decision to be gay. Anyway, I literally just had this conversation with someone ten minutes ago about being born gay and whether or not being gay is a sin if you do not actually have sex. I say yes it is possible to be born with a homosexual tendency. I think it is also not a sin to feel attracted to the same sex as long as it doesn’t cause you to sin. I agree that people are gay because the world isn’t perfect. Lots of people have the temptation to lie, cheat, or lust. It doesn’t make them sinners because they are tempted to do something. The Bible says not to have sexual relationships with the same sex, but I don’t really know what it says about same sex attraction. I just found this person I just talked to to be very angry about the whole thing and that really annoyed me because this person does other stuff that they think isn’t that bad and then is really angry about gays. I say we should love everyone before we tell them that they’re sinning and wrong or else they will not want to hear about Christianity at all.
|January 31, 2015 at 18:47|
Gymnastics14: Your post gives me a lot of hope. You understand so much more than many other people (not a fault of their own, I too once misunderstood). When approaching the topic of being gay, I found that Christians may be more likely to understand if you use the term “same-sex attraction.” This is because when one hears the word gay, they often will jump straight to the conclusion of the person being in romantic relationships. When one thinks about it, it starts to make sense. Many Christians focus on how God made women to be with men. Yes that is true. But we live in a world that is fallen. Things are not all how God originally made them, which is something that the majority of Christians can agree on. Same-sex attraction may be part of the “fallenness” of our world. This actually cannot be for certain, as only gay relationships are talked about in the Bible, not one’s actual sexual orientation. Therefore, just as God calls man’s lust for a woman a sin, we can look at same-sex attraction the same way. Is a man being attracted to a woman sinning simply by feeling a strong desire to know and love her? No. It becomes sin when it turns to lust, and she becomes an object for his happiness. I think that same-sex attraction is very similar. The automatic attractions that occur within us are not chosen, so to call something so automatic, sinful doesn’t sit well. Especially because God gave us freewill and the ability to choose or deny sin. Because we often jump to conclusions without really listening to gay Christians’ stories, the message we(the church) have unfortunately been sending to gay people is “You’re sinning simply by existing and having these same-sex attractions.” This is a message not biblically supported. There are tons of examples in the Bible of very intimate same-sex friendships in the Bible. Where “sin” comes into debate is the topic of sexual/romantic relationships.
I hope this helps you to communicate with this person you mentioned. I’ll be praying for both of you.
|February 1, 2015 at 01:00|
Though also, I’m pretty sad when Christians only accept gay people who cut themselveso ff at the heart, who don’t fall in love, who say “you can *be* gay but only if you never ever act like it.”
|February 2, 2015 at 18:18|
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