It’s a long story, the two of us have a lot of history, but to keep it short and sweet, I promised myself I wouldn’t date until I was out of high school. That I wanted to focus my time, energy, and attention on other, more important things in my life like school, sports, hobbies, and church/my relationship with God. I stuck by that promise but I wasn’t mature enough to handle things in the way I should’ve when one man expressed an interest, agreeing to wait, checking in to see if I was ready yet, always the gentleman. Except he wanted more than I was willing to give at the time and so I ran in the opposite direction. Now he has a girlfriend, his first, and it’s not me. And it hurts…even though I was the one to ruin it for myself. I couldn’t figure out why I had such conflicted feelings over him still and what those feelings were exactly. So, although he will probably never read this, writing this letter was the only way I could let go and move on.
I blew it. I didn’t recognize what I had in you until it was too late. The worst part is, I have no one to blame but myself for my mistakes. I missed my opportunity, of which I had several. The opportunity to accept all that you were so willing to give. I could’ve, at any time, chosen to act on your devotion. I had many many chances. But you gave me your heart and I stomped on it. I didn’t treat you with the respect you deserved. I took advantage of your affections. I didn’t treasure or appreciate them like I should’ve. I was naive and stupid to think that you would put your whole life on hold to wait for me to finally open my eyes and see what was right in front of me, to realize just how amazing you really were. Instead, I got scared of my feelings and pushed you away, hurting you over and over again. Never explaining why I couldn’t bring myself to reciprocate all that you gave me. But miraculously, although you had every reason, you never gave up on me. While you were endlessly patient and understanding with my ever changing feelings towards you, I was flippant with yours, thinking you’d always be there, whenever I decided to grow up enough to admit to myself what you meant to me. Only, I waited too long.
I thought at first I was jealous. But the truth is, I couldn’t be more happy for you. You finally have someone who will return your affections like I never seemed to be able to do. Someone to explore and share all your hopes and dreams with. She’s a lucky girl and I hope she values everything you have to offer in a way that I did not. Maybe I’m sad, that this chapter has ended before I was smart enough to see the worth in it, that I have to let go, of you, of us, which is hard after so many years (I’ve liked *perhaps even loved at times* him on and off since I was 12 and I’m almost 18 now, his younger sister was my best friend for a long time and we three always hung out). In a lot of ways, you were the first. The first boy I had a crush on, the first boy I went to see a movie with, the first boy who gave me flowers and chocolates, the first to capture the hearts of pretty much my entire family. Or perhaps I’m scared, because you’re safe and known and I might not ever again find anyone that saw me the way you saw me, someone who was willing to go to the ends of the earth for me…even though I offered nothing in return. I guess the only word I can use to describe what I’m feeling is regret.
But I’m learning. I won’t make the same mistakes again. I’ll be more careful next time. For I think I’m finally ready. I’ve come to the point in my life where I’m at peace with actually starting a serious relationship. Nothing is holding me back (besides the fact that I might’ve taken on too much when I decided to accept this job…what was I thinking? Okay so I might not have room/time for something like that in my life right now considering how much I have (put on) on my plate at the moment but I actually yearn for one now versus being adamantly against it). That’s not to say there won’t be speed bumps and setbacks and moments where I’ll feel like running and hiding from my feelings…and consequently, the one who evokes them. But I made a promise to myself that I’d try my best to work through that. And I know whoever is brave enough, discerning enough, to coax me out of the tower I foolishly insist on putting myself in, while somehow still giving me the space I so desperately desire (it’s a difficult balance, making me think it’s my idea, not forcing me, I sympathize with but don’t envy the person who has to learn to figure that out) will be worthy of his place in my life. Whether that’s you or someone God has yet to bring into my life…it doesn’t matter because at last, it is my turn to wait. And I’ll wait as long as I need to to find the one God has for me.
|July 12, 2016 at 13:17|
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