This is a long one and I apologize in advance, but I could really use some wisdom on this. My best guy friend and I have a confusing relationship and I’m in need of some sage advice. We’ve been friends since our freshman year when we were assigned seats next to each other in our accelerated math and science classes, and throughout those 4 years of high school we became kinda close. As our friendship grew during that first year of high school I began to see him in a different light, and I totally had a crush on him for the last few months of school. I didn’t tell anyone though, because by that point he was close to dating a different girl who was in our class, and I didn’t want to create an issue by telling anyone of my feelings.
Fast forward to senior year of high school. My guy friend and I had become total bros and we were both deep in the friend zone. I was completely fine with that because after he started dating the girl in our class I was able to just let my feelings for him go. And then he and the girl in our class broke up. Because they had dated for so long it was kind of a big deal within our class. To be honest I’m not really into the whole drama of relationships and break-ups, so I really didn’t care too much, other than the fact that one of my best friends was hurting because the girl he thought he was falling in love with turned around and broke his heart.
Fast forward again to college. He and I both ended up deciding to become engineers, and we’re now in our second year at the same university. Last year our friendship grew leaps and bounds, and we’re now closer than ever. On breaks I sometimes ride home with him and another mutual friend, and those 9 long hours in his truck provoke deep conversation as well as lots of laughter. I always stay awake with him to make sure he doesn’t get too tired, so when our other friend falls asleep it seems like it’s just us in the truck. We talk about anything and everything for hours on end, ranging anywhere from our shared faith to ethical views to relationships to what we’re going to name our future children.
Here’s where it gets really confusing. Last year he and I were joking around about how we’re both single and how there seem to be no Christian singles at our college that we could ever see ourselves dating, and then we somehow came to the conclusion that we’ll be each other’s fallback. We’re each other’s “Plan B” so to speak. Essentially, if we’re both still single by the time we turn 26 then we’ll get together. We joke about it all the time and some of our friends that know about it just shake their heads at us because they all think we’re going to end up together anyways. Since growing closer in our friendship I’ve started remembering why I liked him to begin with all those years ago, and now there are so many more reasons to like him. I mean, I love him to the moon and back as a brother in Christ and as a dear friend, but I’m starting to wonder if there could be something more.
Last year towards the end of 2nd semester it seemed like we were on the verge of turning our friendship into a relationship, or at least admitting to each other that we have feelings for each other. I remember a few of our conversations tentatively stepped toward “Plan B” as being a “Plan A” of sorts, but we never went farther than briefly speculating/half joking about it. I was scared to admit my feelings to him – I don’t want to risk ruining our close friendship if he doesn’t reciprocate. Over the summer I was able to put those thoughts of him out of my mind. I worked as a lifeguard at a Christian camp near my home, and towards the end of summer I was falling hard for one of the counselors. We were going to try to make the distance work before making things official.
On the drive back to school I told my guy friend about my almost relationship. He was surprised and happy for me, but there was also a gleam of hurt in his eyes and I could tell when he said, “This is great, we might not need our ‘Plan B’ after all!” he didn’t really think it was all that great. When the distance ultimately put an end to my almost relationship, my guy friend was there for me. And when I started liking another guy and almost dated him but that didn’t work out either, my guy friend was there for me again. Last year was the same way – he’s been there for me through thick and thin and he continues to be there. And I’m always there for him when the new girl he likes doesn’t like him back or he needs advice on how to approach a girl he just can’t bring himself to talk to by himself.
But lately I can’t help but think that our ‘Plan B’ should be real, with us together. We’re best friends, we’ve got a lot in common, and we always seem to end up still single griping about it to each other. I do like him, but I don’t want to ruin our friendship. I used to think that he’s my fallback, my second choice, but now I’m not so sure. What if he’s my first choice, and that’s why all of these almost relationships I find myself in keep failing, sending me right back to him? I’ve been praying a lot about this lately, but I’m still really confused.
What should I do?
|November 27, 2014 at 16:23|
I don’t want to say “just go with the flow” but I sorta do want to say that. Life is going to happen and just let it happen, you know? Maybe something new doesn’t happen for a while, or maybe one day you’ll be sitting there with him doing nothing and someone will just blurt out their feelings because they can’t hold it back any longer. It would be like a super cute movie if you told him almost exactly what you’ve said here. But whatever you want to do, go for it. Live life on the edge. 🙂
|December 1, 2014 at 15:51|
Haha, thanks girl! Best advice yet! 😀
|December 2, 2014 at 20:20|
I think, if the timing happens to be right, maybe you should take the opportunity to tell him that Plan B might make a nice Plan A. I mean, just about exactly what you’ve said. It’s sweet, and I think it might be a good idea for you two to talk it over.
|December 8, 2014 at 15:01|
^^I agree with SignerGirl.
In my opinion, you should just casually tell him. Even if he doesn’t feel the same way, it’ll be okay. If y’all are truly friends and have gone through thick and thin before (like you said y’all had) then y’all can get through this awkwardness too. 😀
|December 11, 2014 at 13:59|
I think you’re both at a stalemate. You’re both too chicken to make the first move. You can be honest with him about everything else you’re feeling. Tell him. Tell him first that you value the friendship above all else and that if he’s not into it you’ll get over the crush. That’s just as a safety. Then let him know you think “Plan B” should be plan A. #brightesttimeline
|December 24, 2014 at 21:15|
Welcome to the club. I’m in a similar situation, so I’ll give you my plan. Like you, I love my best friend as a brother in Christ, as a friend, but also romantically. We basically do all of the same things and have a wonderful time as friends, but due to the close nature of our friendship, we are often asked if we’re either siblings or dating. I’ve dropped hints for awhile, so I’ve finally decided to bring it up with him. My plan is to simply say that I don’t know where we stand, are we close friends, or is there something more? I think I’ll end up talking about how since we’re so close people assume we’re together, so that makes me question what we are to each other. We’ve never had a plan B conversation, but I feel like you could tweak this approach to your situation. Hope this helps and good luck!
|February 18, 2015 at 04:03|
I really think you should talk to him about it! When you’re having a conversation, maybe ask if he’s ever thought about really being more than just “best friends.” Trust me, I know how you feel! My best friend and I have been Besties since we were 13. And it’s kinda the same thing you said; I love him like no other. Now I’m 20 and I’m really starting to think that there could be more there. We ended up at different universities so I haven’t seen him in two years, which kills, and I’m really wishing I would have brought it up. I am scared of ruining our friendship, he means the world to me, but in the end I think of how awful it would be if I didn’t mention it to him. We’re planning on making time to get together and finally hang out. I’ve made up my mind to talk about it. And I think you should talk to your best friend too.
|March 8, 2015 at 13:48|
Thanks girls!! I totally would talk to him, but to be completely honest, I’ve thought a lot about it and I don’t think it would work out. While I love him to death (and sorry if this next part is too brash, but hey, it’s true) I would never in a million years be able to be intimate with him. When I think about what it would be like to hold hands with him, I immediately think, “Ew, no!”, let alone anything more, ya know?
I’ve grown a lot in the past few months, too, and I’ve realized that he’s not who I want. I don’t know if that makes any sense, and not to say that I’m to decide who I end up with – I know that God has a plan for me – but I’m ok with just being friends with him.
Not to mention the fact that he has an amazing new girlfriend – she’s awesome and I love her! Actually, he was really hesitant about telling me about her. I mean, I knew that we were leaving for spring break on Friday instead of Saturday because he had plans with a girl, but he didn’t tell me they were dating. She actually told me, which I thought was funny because I turned to him in the truck and scolded him and then we had a good laugh about it. 😛
Maybe this is weird – I don’t know. But I’m content, and I love that. 🙂
|March 12, 2015 at 20:26|
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