A guy from my church and I like each-other and were waiting for my mom to give us permission to date ( she knows about is). But she told me if I wanted to date him I had to talk to my dad. My Dad is really strict he literally doesn’t want me to marry. How can I tell him that I like someone and that I want to date?
|March 2, 2015 at 15:59|
The best way to handle this is to be honest and patient. The patience is really probably the most important. You might get upset, or angry, or want to lash out. But breathe and wait it out. Try to see where your dad is coming from. Try to make the conversation constructive.
If you have to, tell your dad up front that it’s hard for you to not be angry. You could say something like, “This is a tough subject for me, so I’m really sorry if I get angry or if I lash out. But I really want to have this conversation and to understand you, so please be patient with me.”
Then tell him really honestly how you feel. Try not to make assumptions about why he says things. DON’T say “I know you don’t trust me,” say, “When you say things like ‘I never want you to get married,’ it makes me feel like you don’t trust me.” Keep your words focused on how YOU feel, how YOU interpreted things. These are called “I” statements, and you can google that and see a lot of advice on conflict resolution.
Also, know what you mean by dating. Make sure you and your dad are on the same page. When your dad things “dating”, he might think you’re giving permission to a boy to spend all day grabbing your butt. That might be what you’re thinking, but you might also just want to go watch a movie. Or get some free dinner. 😉
Say something like, “Dad, when I think of dating, I think of going out with a boy to have coffee, or to dinner. I think of talking and getting to know someone better. What do you think of when I say I want to date a boy? What are your main concerns?”
Keep the focus on understanding where he’s coming from. If you’re stuck for words, or find yourself getting angry, or upset, just say, “Tell me more about that.”
When you want to explain something to him, it may be best to start with a question. “Dad, I respect your decisions, but would it be alright if I tell you why I want to date? And why I think it’s worth getting to know this boy better?” If he says yes, then he’s more likely to listen, because he chose to listen.
If you run into the fact that your dad doesn’t want you to marry, maybe approach that topic in the same way. Ask if you can tell him why you think marriage is a valuable option — no need to state it as a definite happening, but at least see if you can get him to see its value. That you’re looking for a teammate, etc. And if you don’t know why you want to get married, other than, “I’m in love with them!” — well, then, learning about marriage yourself and why it’s important is a really good place to start.
Chances are, your relationship with your dad is more important than your relationship with a boy. But, most important, is that your relationship with God is most important. God says you’re worth it, that you’re beloved, that you’re enough. Respecting your dad — even if he’s not being wise, even if he’s wrong — may mean following his rules. But that doesn’t mean assuming that those rules are appropriate to you, or that you aren’t good enough for them. It is a very humble and very beautiful thing to respect his rules even when you know you’d be responsible.
Things change a lot when you get out of the house, whether that’s getting a job and an apartment or going to college. Your dad still might not approve, but at that point, it’s important for you to be making your own transition into adulthood. That’s a different kind of conversation. It may seem like forever to wait until then, but trust me, it flies by.
It’s going to take courage to do all that — to do any of it — it’s going to take a lot of courage probably to just say the first word. But you can do it. God’s going with you and before you. He’s going to take care of you no matter what happens, because regardless of what happens, you’re his cherished beloved. It may seem impossible, but through Christ, all things are possible. Even dealing with strict dads.
Let me know how it goes! I’ll pray for courage and wisdom for you!
|March 5, 2015 at 16:35|
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