Last summer, I was dumped. And I’m still dealing with the aftermath.
I dated this guy for nine months. I loved him very much, believed in a future… basically everything a girl thinks before, y’know, she gets dumped. Over a text message. And then he went months without texting me even though I asked him repeatedly not to shut me out.
Anyway, I’ve been trying to heal for a long time now. And today, he texted me saying that he wanted to “clear the air”. He told me that he decided he’s asexual (does not experience romantic attraction) and mildly aromantic (experiences little romantic attraction). He said he hates the awkwardness every time we see each other (we’ve seen each other a couple times going to see plays at our old high school, and apparently he talked to one of my high school friends about this a couple weeks ago… which she didn’t tell me about until today for whatever reason.) And that no matter what happens between us, he wants me to be happy. He apologized for cutting me off because he thought that I needed space to work through things.
And he wants to be friends again.
I know that it’s selfish of me to cry over this, but I haven’t cried this much in a long time. Because I wasn’t over him and I still thought there was a chance. I’ve been struggling with so many self esteem and trust issues because of this and I’m not the same sunny, cheerful person I used to be.
He was sorry. And he asked if there was anything he could do to make it up to be.
He had to leave. He’s busy with school (he goes to a college about an hour away from mine) and said he’d talk to me on Thursday. Which I’m not sure I believe because he’s about as unreliable and unresponsive as a burnt waffle.
So… I’m not even really sure what I’m asking here. But mostly, I’m just trying to figure out how to be friends with someone who damaged me more horribly than anyone ever has and proceeded to cut me off. Not to mention the fact that he was my first love.
Advice would be very greatly appreciated. I’m so emotionally exhausted from all this I don’t even know what to do anymore.
|April 3, 2016 at 19:16|
All I can really offer is that I am ace and the feeling that I’m disappointing people is real. I really doubt he’s just sitting there shrugging his shoulders like he’s clueless- he likely suspects you’re disappointed, but there’s not much to do about it at this point.
|April 4, 2016 at 05:34|
I know. I’m trying to find a way to feel okay again because I’ve had a really horrible time throughout all this and I feel like I’m back to square one.
|April 4, 2016 at 12:18|
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with not being friends with him, if it hurts to see him. You don’t have to hate him, but I think it’s ok to say “This part of my life–with this guy– is over.” And move on. (Ik, way easier said than done!)
Also recognize that none of this is your fault, AT ALL. If he’s asexual, he’s asexual. It’s about him, not you.
And it’s OK to not feel OK. Breakups are really hard.
|April 4, 2016 at 12:46|
I just don’t really know what will make me happier. I haven’t felt this awful in a long time. I mean, I’ve been struggling with self-loathing for the past several months, but I’ve really dipped right now. I don’t know if it would be better to be his friend or not. I wish I was able to heal faster. I feel like I’m such a loser for not being better yet.
|April 5, 2016 at 18:17|
You’ll never be a loser, girl. Remember that….
|April 5, 2016 at 18:57|
I agree with what was said above. While it is okay to decide to be friends with him again, that’s totally okay, but if you don’t feel like that is a good idea because he hurt you (first loves are super hard to get over) then that is totally okay too. You have to do what is best for you. Especially when you are in such a vulnerable position right now with all of your emotions.
Just know, if you do pursue that friendship, it’s not going to turn into a deeper relationship again, and if you do pursue it, you need to be okay with that, and I think that is one of the biggest parts in deciding. Someone can be genuinely sorry, and you can accept that, but still choose not to have them in your life anymore.
And just keep reminding yourself, it is not about you at all. It’s about him, and the fact that he is mostly asexual. And that is okay. It can be hard when you are young to understand feelings, and sometimes you try to fight it because of the stigma.
|April 5, 2016 at 20:21|
Yeah, exactly. And he certainly hasn’t been treating me like a friend for the past several months. But he apologized for cutting me off. I still feel horrible, though. It drove me down into a state of self-loathing, which is basically my default state now.
|April 5, 2016 at 21:29|
I think sometimes we get this idea that we’re supposed to be happy 100% of the time, and if we’re not then something’s wrong with us. Of course happiness is important, (and you will be happy again, eventually) but even the Bible says “There’s a time to mourn.” (Ecclesiastes 3:1-8)
Think about it: A time. It doesn’t say “Mourn for a day and then get over it!”
These things can take a little while and that’s OK. It’s not wasted time, and there’s nothing wrong with you. You shouldn’t feel guilty on top of everything else; take as long as you need to heal.
|April 5, 2016 at 22:19|
Thank you. I just… honestly, I’d settle for indifference at this point. I’m sick of feeling hopeless, day in and day out. I feel like I’m worthless and unloveable and that I don’t deserve to be happy and this mindset is so ingrained in me that I don’t know how to get rid of it.
|April 5, 2016 at 22:48|
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