Sorry, couldn’t resist using a reference from the play I was just in. 🙂 But it does have to do with this forum.
So, you know that scene in Alexander and the bad day (too lazy to write out the whole title) where his family is outside the restaurant and upset because they have all had a bad day, then he says “It’s my fault. Last night I made a wish that everyone would understand what it is like to be me.” So, let me explain what I am getting at.
If I’m honest, I am glad i have loving parents, a wonderful dog and a pet brother (I will be glad one day). And good friends, who aren’t always available and live 15-30 mins away, but are good quality. But let’s face it; life hasn’t exactly been easy for me. I still get upset, often have panic attacks, chew out/yell at my family (not lately, luckily, but sometimes I feel like yelling at them), get upset right before bedtime and have to text my friends cause I am too worried too sleep (there is a song from A White christmas called Count Your Blessings Instead of Sheep, but i cant because I know it will make me more upset). Often I lie on my bathroom floor and sort of shake bc of panic. I am currently upset that the two guys I like, well there’s another girl, and I haven’t had the best luck in love but my friends have. I have struggled with cutting, weight and hair and acne criticism, panic attacks, weight gain, former suicidal thoughts (fortunately those haven’t reoccured in at least 5 years), my drama teacher and others overlooking me, and I feel like I am like Elsa in a way, mistaken as the bad guy/antagonist. I am thinking of creating another forum of how my rep is kinda mistaken as the bad guy. Anyway…
I feel like i constantly rejoice when bad things happen to other people, even my friends. I know, it’s really bad. I guess, I feel like Alexander, I wish these people would understand what it’s like to be me. No matter who, I rejoice when bad things happen to others. I guess I feel like, “Their lives have been easy, they deserve grief! If not, God must care about them more than me, because I have suffered more than them!” I have an example. There is a girl I used to go to school with, let’s call her Marissa. She was kind of a, jerk?, to say it politely to me in middle school. She ruined my life, I kid you not. Anyway, she repented and is nice now… But she did run into my mom in public and wasn’t overly friendly. Anyway, throughout her life, she has had it easier than me. She has had accepting friends, many of them, guys who like her, a thin weight, etc. I was kind of… different in middle school (looking back, I feel like Esmeralda when she sings God Help the Outcasts). And now, she is dating this guy who I used to have a crush on two years ago! I don’t know, I am kind of resentful. I guess I feel like she is being rewarded for the way she treated me in middle school. Here I am, trying to be nice to everyone, and I am currently the mayor of Singlesville. Life bites.
I know, almost know, I will rejoice when this coming year in drama, my friends fall to the sidelines of the chorus (just like I have). I guess the reason for this is I wish what people could understand what it is like to be me. To have panic attacks, loneliness, hurt, anger, rejection, etc.
So, I need help. I can’t continue living this way. Any advice would be grately accepted. And I am not giving myself a pity party, I am seeking advice, and venting I guess. But mainly seeking advice. Please please no scolding or cunning remarks! Thank you!
|June 21, 2015 at 22:18|
My life is getting a lot better now, but I understand where you’re at. I get really bad panic attacks, especially in crowds or when more than two people are talking to me. I also have never even flirted before and I’m 16! And then you got the friends who talk all day about when their other friends came over or they went somewhere else, but don’t stop to invite you. 🙁 Like I said, I get it. Loneliness sucks.
|June 22, 2015 at 04:26|
I get you, girl. I have panic attacks, I feel all your emotions, and my family life isn’t great. I get you. And I understand the anger that comes when you see jerks seemingly living an easy, carefree life. I have my own Marrissa, except she hasn’t repented.
|June 27, 2015 at 16:16|
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