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On and off friendship

This topic contains 8 replies, has 3 voices, and was last updated by  Juanita11 1 year, 4 months ago.

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Juanita11

Juanita11

Hi girls.
I am having a problem with my best friend.
We met almost five years ago and have been from for a very long time. When her cousin died she called me at 11 am crying. But lately she hasn’t been responding to me for weeks at a time.
She told me :
‘I don’t know why actually it’s just so hard for me to comprehend my life sometimes and sometimes all I want to do is come home and not talk to anybody it’s hard for me to understand actually´╗┐.”

I want to be a good friend, but I don’t want it to be one sided. I learned a few alarming things and really needed to talk to her about it. But it was almost two weeks before she responded to me, and my that time I had found someone else to discuss what happened with. But what if I get into a spot and really need her and she just doesn’t feel like responding? I don’t have any other local friends to call.
I don’t want our friendship to end but also don’t want to be there for someone who is just using me for an emotional stressball that you use on rare occasion, then just forget it till you have another problem.
Thanks for advice in advance.

August 3, 2015 at 18:17
Mandi_lee2014

Mandi_lee2014

Okay so I read this last night and held off on responding because I knew my initially reaction would be harsh.
Today though, I think it’s time to share my opinion.
Your friend is struggling right now. She has flat out told you that. When you are in a position where life is confusing and you are hurting sometimes the best thing you can do is shut down, and sometimes, for a period of time, a friend just cannot be there for you emotionally. And as a friend, you need to accept that. Friendship isn’t just about complaining and having issues with your personal life, and honesty, you are sounding really selfish at the moment. Give her time and space and love her. Don’t expect anything from here. She’s obviously hurting and trying to figure things out. And if you do end up having some kind of big issue, someone who can’t figure out life and is feeling depression (based on her wording id guess she’s feeling a bit depressed) well they honestly aren’t the type to be going to. Because they have a hard enough time making sense of their own world.

August 4, 2015 at 09:59
PolkaDot

PolkaDot

I would say give her time. Obviously she is depressed at the moment and if she experienced a death recently than this is her way of mourning. She probably just needs to disconnect for awhile. I would say to just assure her that you are there for her and praying for her. Other than that just give her space and time to mourn.

August 4, 2015 at 14:35
Juanita11

Juanita11

I am sorry I didn’t clarify this. Her cousin died three years ago.
I don’t mean to be selfish and I don’t want to be. I learned something horrible, and felt awful and she read that I needed her and that I was hurting, but she ignored the messages.
She recently quit the activity we did together, because she no longer enjoyed it and a few other reasons and I was proudest that she was taking care of her self.
What originally made me feel like this was I learned something about a family member and I wanted to cry, and scream and hurt someone and she was the only person that I felt I could trust and the only person I could talk to this. And she read the messages that I was begging for her to talk to me.
And I was really hurt when I was there for her when I was hurting but I knew she needed help. But to see that when I needed her she wasn’t there was.
And when I read @Mandis posts I started crying because I want to be selfless and a good friend. I also don’t want to be clingy. But it seems that when I need her she’s never there.

August 4, 2015 at 18:29
PolkaDot

PolkaDot

I see where you are coming from. And I understand why you are frustrated. While 3 years seems like a long time it might not feel that way for her. She might still be struggling with anger about her cousin dying or she might still be mourning. or maybe she is struggling with depression.
I’m really sorry that she hurt you. It doesn’t feel good when a friend won’t talk to you. Have you talked to her about how your feeling? Maybe she has a perfectly good explanation.

August 6, 2015 at 05:40
Juanita11

Juanita11

We have discovered her cousin before and I know she has recovered. She had only met her a fee times and she was eight when she passed in a bad horseriding accident.
I have asked her why she would stop responding and she says that she looses her Iphone but I know her. She takes better care of her stuff than that. And I see her other posts online.
I have actually asked her about depression beforehand but she always says no.
I do know that she is under a lot of stress because her mother has a tendency of biting more than she can chew. Love her but she need to relax a little. She is part of so many activities that she never rests it seems. And she has three going on four sibling. She does ballet, track and field, golf, and babysits 3 toddlers so she has almost no time to her self.
I would love to do what I can to help her but she doesn’t reach out so I don’t know what to help with.

August 6, 2015 at 08:17
Mandi_lee2014

Mandi_lee2014

So she’s busy and stressed? Then her not being able to always be there makes perfect sense
Another thing to keep in mind too:
You said in a different thread you were only 14. The truth is, most relationships don’t survive middle school years. You two may just be drifting apart and as painful as that can be, sometimes it just happens.

August 6, 2015 at 15:48
PolkaDot

PolkaDot

It would make sense if she is that busy. I have a hard time keeping up with my best friend sometimes and we’ve been friends since birth! I would say try to have an in depth conversation and see if you can get to the bottom of it if it is really starting to bother you.

August 6, 2015 at 16:41
Juanita11

Juanita11

I have asked my mom to invite her over ( My mom makes all the arrangements) so I can talk to her. I figure face to face is better than texting. And she is really easy to read so I will know if there’s something deeper than stress.

August 6, 2015 at 19:57
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