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Sex before marriage

This topic contains 43 replies, has 18 voices, and was last updated by  QueenFemminist97 1 year, 6 months ago.

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f u

f u

First before I get into my question I want to just say. I don’t want a bunch of people posting Bible verses. It’s not that I care don’t care about what the Bible has to say about it. It’s that I know. The Bible says it’s a sin. I get it. But, I wanna know what people personally think. Time and time again I have been told “sex is bad” but it’s not. Its a beautiful thing and as long as you’re ready I believe it is okay.
But, I want to know what other people think. Sex before marriage: Have you done it? Do you plan on doing it? What do you think of it?
I haven’t done it yet. But, I’m not going to totally push it out of the picture. I’m okay with it as long as you use condoms and stuff.

May 17, 2015 at 22:23
faithful_soul

faithful_soul

Sex is not bad, unless outside of marriage. I have not done it. I plan on having it but only after marriage. I think that it is beautiful and a gift to a married man and woman only. If it is outside of marriage God tells us it is a sin but inside it is perfectly acceptable and beautiful in marriage because that is God’s intention. I do not on ever plan on having sex outside of marriage. Because, coming to know the Lord as my Savior I have been convicted that way. Even though I still sin I never try to do it intentionally. I believe when a person is saved their heart will still stumble over and over but their heart is changed and they turn from their sins. They will still sin and struggle but they should never embrace or keep living in their sin intentionally. If they do embrace it and intentionally keep living in it they either are far from God(Struggling with their walk and relationship with Him.) or they have not truly come to know Him. I do not have the right to say weather a person is or isn’t saved and neither does any one else other than God. It’s just if they haven’t turned from their sin they may not be. This is not directed at any one person but I write this as a note to a group. What I have written may not be “on topic” but it is important.

May 18, 2015 at 06:48
Mandi Pi

Mandi Pi

I do believe that sex before marriage is a sin and is only harmful, in *any* circumstance. The main gist of the issue is, sex is a beautiful, awesome thing that God created for a man and a woman to enjoy when they become one in marriage; the downside to that is, sex literally physically binds you to a person, so when you do it outside of marriage, and usually multiple times, you are physically binding yourself to a bunch of people. This causes complicated relationships and unnecessary heartache, because when you break up with or stop having sex with whoever you had sex with, you are still going to feel connected to them because of the effects sex has, and this will cause a lot of pain that you wouldn’t have felt had you not had sex. Also, once you have had sex once, you will want to keep having it, so even if you break up with your boyfriend or whoever, you will try to find someone to have sex with again, and that just leads to addiction and a whole lot of other complicated stuff.

Most women I encounter will argue that it’s okay to have sex with your boyfriend if you’re at a very serious place in the relationship (you know you’re going to marry him) and you’re both comfortable and ready for it. Actually, that is not a good idea or argument at all. Until there is a proposal and, later, vows have been said, there is *always* the chance that you will still end up breaking up with this person. No matter how serious you think it is, or how great the guy is, having sex is not going to be beneficial in any way until you are married and bound to each other so that you can enjoy it and grow closer through it.

God clearly intended sex to be done inside of marriage, and if you’re against that simple principle, you’re against God’s rules for us, which He only made for our benefit.

If anyone wants the Biblical side of it, I recommend reading this: http://www.gotquestions.org/sex-before-marriage.html

*Disclaimer: I 100% believe sex before marriage is sinful, however just like any other sin, it can be wiped clean by God. God can forgive and redeem you from sexual sin just as easily as lying or cheating. Someone who has had sex outside of marriage and repented should not be shamed or judged, and they are not “damaged goods”; they have simply made a mistake, asked for forgiveness, and been given redemption from that mistake. As for those who have sex before marriage and continue to do so without seeing that it’s wrong, they should definitely not be shamed either; rather, just as with any sin, it should be addressed in love so that they have the chance to understand that God offers grace and love.

Sorry this was so long; thank you for reading. 🙂

May 18, 2015 at 07:54
rainbowuni

rainbowuni

Personally, I believe that, as long as all participants are consenting, and of legal age, and it’s safe, sex is not a bad thing.
I disagree with Mandi, I don’t think sex binds you forever to each and every person you have it with…if it did, I don’t think divorce rates would be as high as they are. And, on that topic, marriage isn’t guaranteed to last forever, any more than any serious relationship. Making a relationship last forever takes effort, whether you’re married or not—marriage is just harder to get out of. (And if your only reason for staying in a relationship is because getting out of it is too much work…that’s not good. That’s really not a good relationship.)
Plus, having to trap someone in a relationship like that, before you’ll have sex with them…is a little weird. Don’t you trust them enough to not leave you, even if there’s no contract stopping them? If you don’t trust them that much, please, do yourself a favor, DO NOT MARRY THAT PERSON. And it’s always easier to figure out the person is an a-hole before you marry them, and get out without all the hassle, than to get married (potentially spending a large amount on a wedding) and have to end the relationship then.
Sex isn’t addicting for every person, not in the way that they immediately have to have more, every hour of every day, and are constantly hunting for a new partner… I mean, sleep feels good, and you want more of it all the time. And while too much can keep you from other important activities (work, school, etc.), sleep, in the right amounts, is healthy. So is bathing. So is sex. ( http://www.webmd.com/sex-relationships/guide/sex-and-health ) …You can crave more of something, without being addicted to it.
If a person wants to wait until they get married, that’s great, good for them, have fun, I won’t stop them. I just think some reasons for doing it aren’t all that valid.

May 18, 2015 at 21:31
Project Inspired

4everhis

I believe that sex before marriage is wrong. Let me back up though. You’re right, sex is a beautiful gift from God. Too often teens in the church are taught that sex–all sex–is bad, but that’s not true. However, I believe that God designed sex for marriage between 1 man and 1 woman. I attend public high school. I’ve seen too many peers– guys and girls, Saved and non-believers, friends, acquaintances, and random people I pass in the hallway– who have been badly hurt because they chose to have sex, even in a “serious relationship”, because that relationship ended, or they got an STD, or they got pregnant and lost the baby, or had an abortion and regretted it, or gave the baby up for adoption, or kept the baby and lived a life of poverty. There are just too many variables when having sex outside of marriage, even if you’re in a serious relationship.

May 19, 2015 at 06:21
f u

f u

rainbowuni I think I agree with your take on it. As long as both parties involves are consenting and it is legal and everyone feels ready I think it is fine. I think that people need to stop putting the mindset on people that sex is bad and you shouldn’t do it, that will just make people do it more because you aren’t supposed too. And with them thinking its a bad thing they will feel guilty and won;t talk to anyone, So I don’t think its a bad thing before marriage.

May 19, 2015 at 06:59
dawnmarie2193

dawnmarie2193

i think as long as you both agree, and you’re in love with someone, then you should be able to have sex with them if you want, for me i didn’t do that, i just did a friends with benefits kind of thing when i was 16, which led to me getting pregnant and having a miscarriage. as long as there is love, i don’t see an issue

May 19, 2015 at 07:50
Mandi Pi

Mandi Pi

@rainbow, it’s been a while since I’ve been on; heyo! 🙂
Firstly, my apologies, I did intend to note that divorce does exist, so yes, there is the possibility of the relationship ending even in a marriage situation. However, it’s far less likely for that to happen than it is for a boyfriend and girlfriend to break up. (I actually believe that divorce is wrong except in abusive situations, but that’s a whole other discussion).
Secondly, in regards to sex binding you to the person you do it with, I didn’t mean it binds you forever to every single person you do it with. I was referring to what happens with the chemicals in your brain and everything during sex that makes you feel connected to the other person even afterwards. I believe I read that those connected feelings fade away eventually after sex, however they continue long enough to cause complications and unnecessary pain in the case of a breakup.

Now, there’s no circumstance in which my point of view will be validated to you due to our differing opinions of the Bible. My view of sex is based fully on what the Bible says about it (refer to the link in my previous comment). Anything I say about sex is based on the idea that sex should be had with the one person that you will end up marrying. I think that’s kind of where our viewpoints break off, as forgive me if I misinterpret you, but you seem to be of the opinion that you can have sex at a serious point in a relationship, but it’s perfectly fine to have sex at a serious point in a different relationship if the former doesn’t work out. I simply believe sex is to be had with the one person you are going to spend your life with, and as many, many people have multiple serious relationships in their dating life, it’s just not a good idea to have sex simply because things are serious.

On the aspect of sex being healthy, yes, it is, however I see that as a testament to God’s intelligent creation of sex to be enjoyed at the right time in the right circumstance. Note those two things: time and circumstance. This may not be the best analogy, but it’s what came to mind…Wine [in moderation] is actually healthy. I need to be healthy right now at 14, right? So I can drink wine if I feel ready, right? Actually, no, because the first thing you have to consider when drinking is age, or time. However, when it’s an appropriate time for me to drink wine, I can do it whenever or wherever, right? I mean, if I go to a party, I’ve consented to come, I’m comfortable with the idea of drinking now, so I can start drinking? Technically, yes, but it really wouldn’t be a smart move because everyone around me is getting drunk and I could very easily get roped into that too, and it just isn’t a good environment to be drinking wine, especially for the first time.
Okay yes, very flawed analogy, just look at the main gist, the only important connection being that wine is sex. As a real-life example, my friend has a boyfriend. They’ve been together for over a year, they’re comfortable around each other, it’s reached a serious point. But she’s (and he’s) 15. Should they be having sex? No, probably not. As for the circumstance part, again, that’s really just based on my view of the Bible being truth and it clearly saying that sex is for marriage, so I can’t give you much there.

May 19, 2015 at 08:11
torirose

torirose

I’m with you on this, Mandi. Why should we want to think sex in a serious relationship is okay if God doesn’t think so? Sex is a beautiful thing when shared between a married couple.

May 19, 2015 at 10:24
kellybarta14

kellybarta14

Mandi and Tori could not have said it better. As did faithful soul and 4ever

May 19, 2015 at 15:58
Lostinthesound

Lostinthesound

I feel that Mandi made a very logical point from a Biblical and an emotional standpoint. I feel that puberty does not mean you are old enough or mature enough for sex. So many girls believe that just because they have sexual desires means they are ready for sex. Sexual desires do not equal sexual maturity whatsoever. Sex outside of marriage can emotionally damage you. It may not at first, but over time it will. You are totally exposing yourself to someone else who you may or may not be with forever. What if you’re not with them forever? They are forever going to remember your naked body and how it felt against theirs. Also, would you like your boyfriend or fwb bragging to his friends about his sex life with you? Seriously, once you’re married it doesnt matter because literally everyone knows you’ve done it. What if you and your fwb or partner broke it off and they told the entire school/church/community the intimate details of your sex life? Are you ready for that? I know so many of you will come back saying “oh mature guys don’t do that, I trust the person I slept with..etc etc” But let me just tell you that people do dumb things when they are influenced by their emotions. Don’t trust someone 100% especially when it comes to YOUR body and YOUR sexual life. Also, only marry someone you can trust 100% 😉
There are so many reasons God designed sex to be for the marriage bed only and that’s not because he didn’t want you to have fun, or anything like that. God only creates guidelines for your protection. Above all, trust God and trust his guidance. We may think we know what we need, but a lot of times, we can be way wrong.

May 20, 2015 at 12:58
Lostinthesound

Lostinthesound

And I also want to second Mandi’s point that sex binds you to someone forever. No, it does not mean you have to be with them forever, so don’t even give me that excuse, but it means emotionally. How would you feel if your future spouse abstained from sex until he was married and you didn’t? I’m positive that both God and your husband can forgive you for your past mistakes, but what if you can’t forgive yourself? What if during sex with your spouse, all you can remember is the emotional damage you felt while having sex with someone else? or perhaps you fantasize about one of your former lovers? Maybe one of your former lovers fantasizes about you. Sex binds you to someone else forever because you don’t just forget having sex with someone else and they don’t just forget about you.

Also, for those of you who have been sexually harassed or abused in the past, it is not your fault. You are not damaged goods and you are not ruined for life. What happened was tragic and God does not hold you accountable for rape or abuse whatsoever and I can promise you that the right man for you will not either. If you are also still struggling with pain from past abuse or rape, please seek help and remember that God is always there to comfort you.

Also, ladies who have had sex outside of marriage and are feeling guilty about it or want to repent, God is waiting with his arms open. As Mandi said, God wipes EVERY sin clear. You are not damaged goods, you are a wonderful daughter of an amazing King who loves you very much. Premarital sex, just like any other sin, can be forgiven 100%

May 20, 2015 at 13:07
kellybarta14

kellybarta14

I also once heard that people who have had premarital sex are never satisfied fully. Imagine how proud you will be on your wedding night.

May 20, 2015 at 13:51
rainbowuni

rainbowuni

@4everhis I think it’s important to note that things like pregnancy and STDs can be prevented with the use of condoms, and that it hurts to have a relationship end whether you’ve had sex with the person or not (even non-romantic relationships, ever lost a close friend?).
I’ll also say that these problems don’t just go away once you’re married. Pending on the other person’s sexual history (and current fidelity), STDs could still be a problem. As can pregnancy, if you don’t want a child right away, or at all, pregnancy risk doesn’t just go away, and neither does poverty.
I do think it’s important for people to seriously consider if they’re ready to handle a potential problem, should one arise, before they make the decision to have sex at all—married or not.

@f u I agree, pushing this idea that sex is bad (even if only outside of marriage) can be harmful…people internalize that, and it’s hard to get over the idea that sex=bad, even after they get married and it’s no longer “bad.” (Some people have even expressed this… http://www.xojane.com/sex/true-love-waits-pledge )

@Mandi I haven’t really been on in a while either…hi! 😀
Well, I doubt the brain chemicals really last more than a few minutes. They can strengthen a bond between people, sure, but (like I said up there^) the ending of any serious relationship hurts. I really don’t see how sex is responsible for making it difficult to get over a break-up.
Well, I think that sex is okay at any point in a relationship (or…not in one…) as long as it’s legal and consensual, and preferably with the use of protection.
I agree with the wine analogy, there’s a time and place for things like that…but I don’t think that means you should only *drink wine* when you’re married. 😀
I mean, there’s legal ages of consent for sex, like there is for drinking alcohol (though it’s typically younger), and breaking those laws usually isn’t a very good idea. Just like having sex, say, in a public place probably isn’t the safest. But if you want to drink a glass of wine when you’re 22, alone or with a small group of friends at home one night, what’s stopping you?
15 is probably a bit young, but again, I don’t know everyone…all I know is that, when I was 15, I wasn’t ready for sex. But I did have a friend that decided she was, and if I ask her today if she has any regrets (she’s 18 now, and has moved on to another relationship), her answer is no. Again, it’s always important to be mature and responsible about these decisions. What’s okay for one person isn’t always okay for another. Everyone has to consider and make the decision for themselves.
You’re right though, we have different opinions about the Bible, so we’re probably not going to agree on this… this is just how I see it. 😀

@Lostinthesound
I agree, puberty does not mean you are old/mature enough for sex. Neither does marriage, though. Especially for people who get married young, what makes a person *not mature enough* for marriage one day and mature enough the next, simply because they got married?
Sex outside of marriage doesn’t have to be a horrible thing. Personally, I think considering whether or not you trust the person enough to be that vulnerable around them should be a priority before taking your clothes off. Different people will have different feelings around this, too—some people wouldn’t care if the person bragged to their friends about them, while some would feel like their privacy has been violated. If they’re worried, they can talk to their partner about it—they don’t just have to avoid the topic until they’re married. The ability to talk openly about that kind of stuff is, I think, something that comes with maturity, and is one way to tell if a person is mature enough for sex.
That said, what intimate details are they going to share, really? “Oh my gosh, you guys are not going to believe this, but she has *gasp* a vagina!” And, depending on what they really shared about your sex life, they may as well be shooting themselves in the foot as well.
Again, it’s different for every person. Most people I know wouldn’t care about that, they have nothing to hide. I mean, sex isn’t something to be ashamed of. Your body isn’t something to be ashamed of. But these *are* things that should be considered before having sex with anyone, married or not.
Also, “don’t trust someone 100%” and “only marry someone you trust 100%?” …so does that mean no one should ever get married? 😉
Sex does not bind you forever. It’s not true. It can strengthen a bond between people (it cannot, however, create one that doesn’t already exist), but that’s all. And it’s temporary.
If you think you’re going to feel guilt for having sex, that’s something that should be considered before having sex. If you can only enjoy sex with your spouse by fantasizing about former lovers, I don’t know, I guess you should consider whether you’re really attracted to your current spouse. You don’t have to actually have sex with a person to fantasize about them, that’s why it’s a fantasy, so I wouldn’t think that whether you’ve had sex before or not isn’t really the issue here (but I’m no sex therapist, so…).
Sure, you don’t just forget about sex, but you also don’t forget about, say, your first car. It’s exciting, getting your first car. Even if it’s old, dented up and not shiny, you probably adore the thing, and are probably quite attached to it. …but, odds are, you’re not going to keep that car forever. Someday, you’re going to get a new car. And while you may miss your old car, the new one is better: it’s newer, it’s shinier, and it gets better gas mileage. You’re not doomed to never enjoy a car after your first one (or second, or third, or five-thousandth).

@kellybarta14
Hmm…I haven’t heard that. But I’d have a hard time believing it, as I know many people who had sex before they got married, and are perfectly happy, satisfied people.

May 20, 2015 at 16:53
f u

f u

(just like to say that I am so glad this is just everyone sharing their views and no one is getting mad at each other. lol)
First, yeah, just cuz you’ve hit puberty doesn’t mean you’re ready. Everyone feels ready at different rates.
Second, If you use the whole “don’t do it before marriage because you don’t know if you’ll be with them” what about if you get divorced? It happens and that (technically to the Bible) is a sin.
Third, what if people hear that God wipes everything away, that the past is the past and you’ve been forgiven and turns it around so that they just go off and do whatever they want knowing that they’ll be forgiven for it? (Not in regards to sex.. just a question i have been wondering about. Because when I hear that i have been forgiven of my sins it makes me wanna rebel and live an exciting life because I will be forgiven.)

May 20, 2015 at 17:43
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