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This topic contains 9 replies, has 7 voices, and was last updated by  PolkaDot 1 year, 6 months ago.

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kellybarta14

kellybarta14

Okay, so I am gonna be totally real here. I do not want pity, I want the truth. πŸ™‚ Thank you for understanding.

Okay, so I have struggled with depression, even suicidal thoughts before. I am not suicidal, but I have a fear I may become suicidal, the way my life is going. I constantly find myself saying, “I think God is angry and I hope He takes me hope soon!” and stuff like that. I haven’t cut in years, but that doesn;t mean I never think about it. The only thing keeping me from cutting is that my mom would force me to see a counselor again.

Oh yes, tangent time. My mom is saying I need to see a counselor. I am not. I refuse to. No way. The reason is I am constantly yelling at my family (it’s not like I enjoy yelling, sometimes I have pent up anger), sometimes yelling at my friends (not too often though), saying I want to throw up or hurt someone. In all seriousness, the other day at school I was telling my friend Spencer, “I seriously want to bang someone’s head against a wall right now! Grrr! I am so mad!” I hate constantly wanting to yell at someone, it really sucks.

I think the reason is because I am almost out of high school and still haven’t gotten a lead role in a play, and my friends have, over and over again and again. It makes me so mad I will sometimes have panic attacks, shake, kick things, or lie on my bathroom floor full of angst. One of my friends is TWO YEARS YOUNGER than me, beautiful, has pretty red hair, has nice sisters (I have a bratty brother), a few guys who have liked her, good friends, basically everything I don’t have. I constantly find myself upset over how guys just don’t like me, but like my friends and I still haven’t even been asked to prom. I guess I am also upset about my height, weight (I might be overweight) and things. I am also hurting because no one really understands, not even my own family. Spencer will give me advice, but his life is different than mine. I am also upset about a dear friend of mine, Tony, who is into another girl… We are really close too and it just hurts.

I am also constantly getting upset before bedtime, kicking things around, sometimes crying (not by choice), yelling at something, having panic attacks, not going to sleep for a long time, and I wake up tired and mad.

Sorry for the rant. If you could please give me advice, that would be wonderful. But please no criticism! Thank you so much for taking time to read this.

May 13, 2015 at 11:43
dawnmarie2193

dawnmarie2193

girl i struggle with a lot of the same things, i still struggle with cutting and i’m still suicidal sometimes, i haven’t really found anything that helps a lot, but usually when i’m keeping myself busy its harder for me to think about it

May 13, 2015 at 13:50
Mandi_lee2014

Mandi_lee2014

So I know you are totally against it but my advice would be to get help and see a counselor. And possibly get on some medication to ease mood swings. I know there is a lot of stigma attached but when you find the right therapist and therapy technique it really can make all the difference. I know because I finally had to break down and go see one and I’m way better now that I have. It took a while to find the right one but when I did I did a 180 so please look into it further and just give it a chance. Also, by law they cannot reveal anything you say unless you are starting to have intentions of hurting his yourself or others, or there was a crime committed so all of it is safe with the counselor. Also relaxation techniques and making sure you have some quiet time each day and do something relaxing should ease it too.

May 13, 2015 at 17:00
kellybarta14

kellybarta14

Hmm.. thank you Mandi. I guess, the thing is I already do take medication. I guess maybe I will consider considering the C word… πŸ˜‰

May 13, 2015 at 17:20
Nate

Nate

Hey! This is coming from someone who was once suicidal. It sounds like you have enormous amount of rage pint up inside you. To the point that you want to hurt others and yourself. This, obviously, isn’t cool. The only reason I am not suggesting that you go to a counselor is because I know you don’t want to hear that. So here is what I did, and I didn’t go to a counselor either. As cheesy and as corny as it sounds, you NEED to be reading your bible and praying a LOT. This unnatural amount of rage could be medical related so you need to get that checked out by a doctor, but for me it was spiritually related. So what should you be praying about? Pray about your confidence issues, your rage, pray for your bratty brother, lay it all into Gods hands. I found that after I did this my surroundings didn’t change a bit, bad things kept happening, but I changed, and the way that I reacted to negative situations changed too. I no longer felt like yelling at an annoying person, instead, I want to pray for them.

May 13, 2015 at 20:11
marysetrueblood

marysetrueblood

Also, if you’re yelling a lot, you probably have a lot of trouble expressing your anger clearly, which can really help the thinky, cognitive parts of your brain understand it, which makes anger waaaaay worse. I’ve had large amounts of rage, and I’m suicidal myself, sometimes. A trick I’ve picked up is to write out my feelings as detailedly in my diary every day. It takes discipline, and I skipped around a lot when I started, but I swear it helps. It helps you express things clearly, think critically about your situation, get it all down ,get in a good vent and then understand the feelings and start working through them. So yeah, everyone else had solid advice, but also find some calm, cognitive way to try and think through/express your emotions. Then they won’t be as frustrating and confusing and you might feel a bit less unheard.

May 17, 2015 at 10:48
Mandi Pi

Mandi Pi

I do think you should see a counselor or at least see a doctor temporarily to find out if there’s a medication you could take to help the negative things you’re feeling. You may not want to, but not wanting help is a sign of really needing it. I do think that sometimes these things are spiritual, and that if you’re not right with God nothing will be right around you, but I also think that medicine is there for a reason and that we should use it. Depression is actually something physically wrong with your brain (I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with *you, and it is not your fault in any way). When someone has cancer, they take chemotherapy or go through a specific treatment to help it. When someone has depression, anxiety, or suicidal thoughts, they should get help/look into some sort of medication to help, in the same way you would with any disease.

While I do not personally believe in saying that people should just get through depression by themselves because it’s a spiritual thing, I do think you should do your best to stay rooted in your relationship with God through it, while also pursuing medical help. If you have negative or confused feelings toward God, just let it spill. Talk to Him like He’s a friend that wants to listen. Find a consistent Scripture-studying schedule that works for you, and find someone to keep you accountable with that. Get immersed in some aspect of your church, or even just individual Christian people that you can trust and talk to about this, and do talk to them. I absolutely promise you that there are people out there who care about you and want nothing more than for you to be okay. Two of my close friends battle depression (and maybe suicidal thoughts, I don’t know), and they may not always remember it, but I love them to pieces, and it absolutely breaks my heart when they’re feeling bad. Because I know that I would do anything for them, I know there’s people in your life who would do anything for you; you may not feel like that’s true, but please trust me when I say it is. Find those people that care, because they’re out there ready to help you.

As for self harm, I’ve been told that this helps: http://fc03.deviantart.net/fs70/f/2012/197/5/7/butterfly_project_____by_quixotictulip-d57hfte.jpg Also, here are some alternatives: http://media.tumblr.com/91f9024a2bbc1a3bd1c3498d0bf88c7b/tumblr_inline_mpd9ruwafD1r3naa8.jpg (< The only thing I would NOT recommend is learning to swear in another language, because German swearing is swearing all the same; your moral standards may be different than mine, this is just a disclaimer ;P)

I tell my friend this all the time, and she doesn't always seem willing to, but any time you're feeling particularly upset and/or want to self harm, *PLEASE* contact a friend (someone you've told about your depression and has said they want to help you) and tell them you feel like cutting so that they can keep you from resorting to self harm. You're beautiful and loved, and you don't deserve to be hurt or feel like you need to hurt yourself. If you don't yet have someone like that that you can go to, I can totally do that for you. I know we don't know each other in person, but you can email me at Amfin@earthlink.net, and if you just let me know you need me as an accountability partner/friend, I can seriously check my email every 10 minutes so that you can get to me quickly.

Let me know at absolutely any time if you need absolutely anything. I hope this helped…I love you. <3 πŸ™‚

May 17, 2015 at 20:11
PolkaDot

PolkaDot

I think that seeing a counselor might help. That way you can have a third party that isn’t involved with your family or friends. It’s just you and your feelings. Maybe do you have a hormonal imbalance? I know that can drive people up the wall! It’s drives me up the wall many a time. Find the center of your anger and start dealing with it at the root. I also have anger problems. Prayer, alone time, books, and movies help. Sometimes you just have to check out for a time and then come back to the problem. Keep a journal. My journal sounds like I have a horrible life and that I hate everything but it’s just because I write in it when I am upset about something. πŸ™‚ Hope this helps!

May 21, 2015 at 06:27
kellybarta14

kellybarta14

Thanks so much everyone!! To keep you updated, now that i am finished with school, I think things are getting better. I havent yelled at my family in awhile, I havent kicked or lied on my bathroom floor, shaken in… a couple days, probably even weeks! I haven’t thought about Tony much either. πŸ™‚

May 21, 2015 at 17:03
PolkaDot

PolkaDot

Yayyy!! Maybe finals where stressing you out? So glad you are feeling better! πŸ™‚

May 21, 2015 at 17:16
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