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Went through a break up, everything is complicated. Help appreciated…

Home Forums Life, Love & Girlfriends Relationships Went through a break up, everything is complicated. Help appreciated…

This topic contains 1 reply, has 2 voices, and was last updated by  Petunia 1 year, 3 months ago.

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EmeraRider

EmeraRider

I was with my [now ex] boyfriend for nearly nine months. After school ended, I started getting worried about us. We both have jobs, but I usually work evening shifts and he works during the day, so finding time to talk was hard. However, while I would shoot him texts, he would go days without replying at all. I felt like he wasn’t putting in any effort to even talk to me. We went weeks without seeing each other at all. It was scaring me terribly because he is attending a college an hour away, while I’m going to one in our hometown. I knew that having such poor communication would make that even harder.

I talked to two of my friends about it, and I know they weren’t trying to make me feel bad, but they made some comments about our relationship that made me feel really insecure. He isn’t a particularly emotional/affectionate boy, we didn’t cuddle/flirt as much as most couples are conventionally expected to, but I was okay with that. Even though I’m really cuddly and sensitive and he’s not, I loved him anyway. We were best friends, and I was so comfortable with him. I was happy. And I thought he was, too. I decided not to take what my friends said to heart, but I was still worried and talked to him about my worries.

It took me weeks for me to get him to reply to my messages when I tried to bring it up with him. He finally did two weeks ago (said that he’d been busy with work), and I told him that I missed him and that I was worried. He asked what we should do and wanted to improve our communication.

And as soon as I told him that, he said that he was going to be honest and told me that he would rather have us go back to being friends. He said that everything we did made him feel pressured and uncomfortable, but it wasn’t my fault. I asked how it wasn’t my fault, and he said that he just felt pressured by our friends and his parents, which made no sense to me because he also said he only felt this way recently. (Our friends had been teasing us and pressuring us for a whole year before we started dating. I’m not so sure about the situation with his parents, but he said they had kept it up as well.) He promised to do his best to stay in touch.

He said that he /does/ still like me, just not enough for a healthy relationship at this point in time. I asked him if he thought we had a chance. All he said was “we’ll see”.

But I was heartbroken. And I still am. I’ve been struggling through these past two weeks. Even though I’m trying to distract msyelf, whenever it crosses my mind, I feel hollow. My worst fear basically came true. I thought that maybe I was just being paranoid about him drifting away, but apparently, I wasn’t. I had a person I loved and trusted and felt like I could take on the world with tell me that he couldn’t do it anymore. I was willing to work hard as I could for him, but he couldn’t do it. He told me that it was all his fault, but I can’t get past this. I put so much faith and trust and confidence into our relationship, and he just… broke it all.

I’ve talked to a lot of my friends about it. And a lot of them told me that they’re very confident that he’ll come back to me. They think that he’s just confused, and that he just needs time away from the pressure from his parents. They think that he’ll come back. And I want for him to come back, so badly.

I’m so scared, though. He does still like me, and I really don’t want that thread of emotion he has for me to go away.

I want to learn how to be his friend again. I kind of want to go out with him to do something this weekend (because he leaves town next week), but any interaction with him is going to hurt.

But I want to save this. I want it to come back. I know that I’m eighteen, and maybe it’s stupid of me to say this… but he and I had a bond that I’d never felt before, and I can’t imagine building it with anyone else. We were so close. I thought we had a future. And when I asked him if he didn’t see one at all, he said “not romantically, for right now”. I just need to learn to get through “for right now”. And I don’t want this break to be forever.

Just… how do I handle things? How can I restore my friendship with him? How can I heal myself and… how can I heal both of us?

August 3, 2015 at 20:27
Petunia

Petunia

It sounds like you’re going through a really rough time. I went through a break-up that to me sounds very similar, except my boyfriend was you and your boyfriend was me. He was a great guy, and he was really invested in me, but I wasn’t comfortable with our relationship and felt a lot of pressure when he was around. So I broke it off. Except, unlike you, he was completely blindsided.

Don’t delude yourself into thinking that you can never feel that close to someone again. There are plenty of other guys in the world that you’ll be able to fall in love with. Don’t feel like you need/should be friends with him. It’s really not very possible in the near future. You don’t want to be friends with this guy. You may say you do, but what you really want is to be with him again. But you don’t really want that either do you? If he doesn’t want to be with you, have enough respect for yourself to not be with him. You’ll be OK with this breakup in the future. Two weeks isn’t very long. I know. I’ve been through some awful stuff myself. But one day, you’ll go to bed and realize that you haven’t thought about that guy you used to date all day.

August 25, 2015 at 14:59
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