So I’m not even sure where to begin with this. So a few months ago I started talking to this guy and we instantly clicked. We first had deep conversations about God as we began to get closer and more comfortable with each other. Then some things from his past began to pop up with other girls. As he confessed everything to me and told me the truth (and there was backup to what he was saying so I knew he wasn’t lying) I decided to still give him another chance. Fast forwarding, I began to notice how he still had problems with his flesh (mainly with sex). As a virgin, I began to tell him that I desired to wait till marriage, and now I realized that this should have been the conversation where I ran because he didn’t seem too happy about the fact that I wanted to wait. So fast forward again, a few weeks ago he came over to help me with one of my projects. As everything began to go well, we did end up kissing, but it went in a whole other level than I thought. As we didn’t necessarily go “all the way”, it basically was there and I felt so quilts afterwards. I kept thinking how did I allow myself to get that vulnerable. It’s like by the time I realized it, so much has happened. I remember telling him that the last thing I wanted was for us to get to that point, but he didn’t seem to care. He keeps asking me if I’m upset with him, but I don’t really know how I feel. I told him that we shouldn’t do that again, and showed him in the Bible where it says that it’s a sin to have sexual outside/before marriage, but he said he didn’t think that was true (which surprised me because of the fact that he seemed to already know so much about the Bible). Idk, I feel like I have just gotten myself in a bad situation that I regret so much. I feel like I’ve broken God’s heart, and I feel so used. I will also be 21 in a month,. I just ask that if someone has been in this situation that you first pray for me and then give me advice.
|October 7, 2016 at 15:36|
First of all, it’s not bad to feel guilty. Let yourself feel the weight of what has happened, let yourself cry if need be, but at the end of the day, there is no need to let yourself be consumed by despair because God isn’t angry, or resentful. You realize that you (and your boyfriend) were in the wrong, and it’s not like God won’t forgive you! He wants you to come to Him for forgiveness! You mentioned something about breaking God’s heart with this sin…well, imagine how He’ll be so happy when you turn back to Him! 🙂 Really, God is all about redemption, so He’s just waiting for you. There’s nothing to worry about.
This is a particularly difficult sin because some of us have such deeply ingrained cultural values that make us think that we’re somehow broken if we give in to sexual temptation. If you’re from a culture that places a large emphasis on purity and virginity, it can be hard to shake those ideas. But the truth of the matter is that, God can fix us no matter what. Obviously it’s better if we don’t make mistakes in the first place, but we’re human, and we make mistakes–God knows it, and still loves us!
And about this guy….it sounds like you disagree on really fundamental things. If he doesn’t respect this decision of yours (he hasn’t through his actions, full stop.), how do you know if he’ll respect you in other regards? Is it ever good to be around someone who encourages sin? Of course not. I imagine that it’s pretty hard to both deal with the guilt and question your relationship, but you have to be brave and do it 😉 He might need some time to mature before he’s involved in a serious relationship…or maybe he needs to be dumped in order to realize that it’s not ok to pressure your significant other…. Regardless, we are all on our own journeys, all at different places, and you have to focus on what will be good for your soul at this point. I highly advise you to question this relationship…from an outsider’s perspective, there are tons of red flags!
I wish you speedy healing and peace. We’ve all been in this place (emotionally) at one point or another, and nothing is too big for God to help you overcome. There’s a saying that is something like ‘you shouldn’t be ashamed when you are asking for forgiveness, you should be ashamed when you are committing that deed.’ The mistake is in the past–right now, you’re doing the right thing, so be brave. 😉
|October 7, 2016 at 18:06|
@Nino99 Thank you so much! What you said helped me so much. I just need to really talk to God about this situation. I guess I was also blaming myself because I feel like He already was telling me to stop talking to him because he was distraction, but now I really know. There are too many red flags with this guy, and it took me till now to fully see them. I appreciate you taking out your time to reply to me! Be blessed!
|October 7, 2016 at 18:26|
Oh, I’m so glad I could help 🙂
|October 8, 2016 at 07:06|
Dealing with guys is always a balancing act. You have to get close to a guy to know if he’s the one for you. When you get close, you are vulnerable and you can fall victim to his advances, or speaking totally honestly, sometimes you fall victim to your own hormonal urges . . . of course, usually it can also be a complicated and dangerous mix of both things at the same time. While a man with the maturity of our dads would be nice to find, unless we are in the habit of becoming romantically involved with men who are our dad’s age, that’s not going to happen. So, we have to do deal with guys who have a built-in urge to push for more and more in the physical aspects of a relationship and lack the level of control over such things that they ought to have. That said, if you were courting a guy who wasn’t wanting to kiss/touch/feel you, you probably would think something was wrong with him. I’m not going to tell you that “going all the way,” or even going too far but not all the way is the right thing to be doing. However, I can tell you this. It happens to a LOT of us girls: we get into a situation and can’t figure out how to say “no” and things end up happening. Sure, after it has happened and we’ve had a few days to think it through, it’s easy to see how the guy pushed all our buttons and we gave in; but, to be fair, when our buttons are being pushed, it sort of feels good and that little voice in us that tells us to “no, quit now” gets shouted down by that other voice that kept saying “yes, keep going.” Truth is, it takes two to Tango (it really does, I’ve taken tango lessons, and you can’t possibly tango without a partner). I’m not defending guys, and I’m not blaming girls, I’m just trying to say some things in life just end up happening, and the only real thing you can do about it is to try to make sure it doesn’t happen again (and once it happens the first time, it has a greater chance of happening the next time). On a positive note, I mentioned that it happens to a LOT of people; and the evidence is really strong that going too far or all the way doesn’t permanently ruin your life. You go through a brief time of angst, with some bitterness, anger, or guilt mixed in. But you will eventually be back out there, in full form, ready for what is hopefully a better overall deal the next time around. Don’t fret over some future guy rejecting you because you went to far with this guy; if the next guy in your life loves you like he should love you, he will just shrug his shoulders, realize that everyone messes up sometimes, and keep on loving you without a hiccup. Any guy who will reject you because of mistakes you may have made in the heat of the moment is NOT a guy who is worthy of you. (I will say the same to the gals out there who are all upset over the same issue regarding their new boyfriend and his past mistakes.) I will say one thing though (and you sort of hit on it yourself), when you told the guy that you are a virgin and wanted to wait until marriage, and he didn’t seem to happy about it . . . you are correct, you should have run right then and there. Setting aside what might happen in the heat of the moment, no guy worth your time would ever get upset if you told him you wanted to wait until marriage to have sex. The only acceptable answer from the guy is some version of “no problem.” If you get a different answer, you KNOW you are in a problem relationship, not because he wants to have sex with you, but because he doesn’t respect you.
|December 28, 2016 at 10:54|
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