My relationship with my dad is…really complex. I love him, but frankly I don’t like him. I don’t like him because I’m not comfortable around him.
He was extremely volatile, angry and violent off and on while I was growing up, so whenever I’m around him I feel like I’m walking on eggshells. On the other hand, sometimes he’s really nice and happy and we joke around and have fun; but honestly, it’s getting emotionally draining to be myself around him because it doesn’t feel safe. I’m kind of getting to a point where I’m emotionally guarded and keeping him at an arms length, for my own sanity.
He’s always physically provided everything for us, like food, nice houses, activities, gifts…so I’m thankful for that of course, but I honestly don’t remember a time–ever–that I have felt completely safe and comfortable around him. I have never been able to just relax and be myself