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Will Things Ever Get Better?

Home Forums Life, Love & Girlfriends Random Thoughts and Questions Will Things Ever Get Better?

This topic contains 5 replies, has 5 voices, and was last updated by  theteenfashionista 4 months ago.

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kellybarta14

kellybarta14

I will start off by saying I have been clinically depressed since sophomore year. I am now a sophomore in college.

Lately I find myself questioning if things will ever get better. Four years ago, I thought I would be at a much better place than I am at now. For instance, one time I was probably a freshmen, and feeling bad about myself and texted a friend “I’ll never get a boyfriend.” Deep inside, though, I was feeling “That’s silly– I’m sure he will come soon.” Not. There have been about 12 guys I have liked since seventh grade, featuring some seeing them with their girlfriends and confrontations. The guy I am currently interested in was LOOKING TO PURSUE A GIRL a few months ago. It almost looked like there was hope of something between us. A few weeks ago, he told me he doesn’t like me and why he doesn’t. There is a girl who is a few years younger than me, prob like 16, he likes. I am trying so hard to win his approval, and dealing with some self-esteem issues right now. I feel like I have this chronic fear of never being married, and dealing with this my whole life.

To dig a bit deeper into this subject, let me explain that guys and me has not been an easy road. I have never been in a relationship, and most of my friends have, and there are groups of friends where all of them have boyfriends but me. I have watched one of my friends my age get married. One guy was a real jerk to me, but that was a long time ago. Ultimately, I know my worth is in what God thinks, but I do wonder if there is something wrong with me (my mom has said I am “socially off” before, but she has said I am improving) and repelling me from guys.

So, I have been doing theater for years. I haven’t exactly had the most favorable roles. Last semester, I got one of the best roles I have had yet. I was hoping that would pave way to more, but with a different director this semester, of course I am just a bird girl in Seussical. I was hoping for one of the six leads. When I was in eighth grade and got my first “bad role”, I imagined I would be so much farther along now. I never pictured me having to feel happy for my friends as they got lead roles yet hiding back intense sorrow for myself. I feel I am making so little progress, and trying so hard.

Also, I have had trouble with friendships my whole life. I feel like I don’t, and never have had many friends. I guess it seems I am doing better at this point, but I sometimes feel as if people don’t value me as a friend. I just feel as if I try so hard to make friends. The other week, I was asking my Intervarsity friends for advice and one of them said, “I think the problem is sometimes you seem too eager to make friends, which may end up pushing people away.”

This past year, I lost two jobs. Both of which I enjoyed. I think I have some kind of anxiety disorder from that. Right now, I do enjoy my job, though sometimes it drags on, and not as much as my last two. I had an offer for a job I had always wanted a few weeks ago, but I live too far away and they were looking for someone more available. The problem is that is a job that has a fairly low ceiling age. Some companies are very picky, and I know what a hard job it can be to get.

I have also had trouble with my weight my whole life. I have been a few pounds overweight, and even if I lose weight, it seems I gain it back like that.

I also seldom feel happy anymore. I can think of one time this past summer I was genuinely happy. I feel like, lately, there have been a few glimmers of hope that I have looked forward to, then when things were taken away just like, “Ha, Kelly, you were a fool to think something that good could happen– of course it’s too good to be true.

I have been praying about it, and trying to place my hope in the Lord, as hard as it may be.

Lately I have been feeling disappointed in myself and my life, especially since I thought things would be better at this point. Some days I seriously wonder if things will always be like this, and though I know God is bigger than all of this, I don’t always feel like that.

Any advice? Have any of you ever been in this boat? Thank you.

September 12, 2016 at 06:41
Mandi_lee2014

Mandi_lee2014

I literally just wrote a huge long post for all of it to be erased. Ugh!!!!

So Im going to shorten it and just give the jist of it.
Depression is a hard thing to deal with. And it really eats into self esteem. All that you are experiencing is a mix of the depression and being a young woman in today’s world.
I deal with self esteem issues like crazy…although mine is more physical appearance, and the best thing that I have come up with is to 1. remind myself that they are feelings not a fact and 2. remind myself of all the things that I do love about myself. My accomplishments and positive traits. Its not a cure all, but it does help me.
As far as weight, try not to focus too much on it (easier said then done). It is important to workout and eat healthy, not important to be a certain size.

As for friends, it isn’t as important as it may seem to have a lot of friends. Its way more important to have a couple amazing friends you can truly be yourself with and share things with. It can take a lot to get to that point, but it is so freeing when you get there. And the relationships you do have will be better.
Not to say you cant hang out with other people. I do here and there. But the close friends are the important ones.

Finally, I’d highly recommend going and seeing a therapist. Depression and anxiety are brutal and can highly interfere with your life. Getting good coping tools and getting the chance to talk out the stuff that is bugging you is really helpful. Things don’t have to stay bad. They may be hard, but you should still be able to be happy.

September 12, 2016 at 12:04
AdventureGirl

AdventureGirl

I’m crazy busy trying to finish a research paper so I didn’t have time to read your entire post, (I will asap) but I did see the part where you said you’re concerned about your weight.

Please don’t be.

Being thin was merely a beauty trend that began in the 1980s. While there’s nothing wrong with being thin, it’s not the true/only standard of beauty, and thankfully our society seems to being heading away from that sort of misconception and including all body types in regards to beauty.

If you eat reasonably and are a few pounds overweight, I’d say leave it. Your life will improve by 1000 percent if you make peace with your body type. I obsessed over food and my weight from the time I was 11 to about 19; finally, several things brought me out of it and oh my goodness.

It is SUCH a mental and emotional relief to be happy with my body and no longer be striving to be skinny.

September 12, 2016 at 14:46
rainbowuni

rainbowuni

Yes, it will get better. I don’t know when, I don’t know how, but it will. I promise you that.

Are you on any sort of medication for depression? If not, have you considered trying some? If you are, does it seem to help? Or, have you tried therapy?

You’re young. You have your whole life ahead of you to worry about these things, guys especially. So why waste time doing it now?

I know it’s hard not to worry, but if you can try, it might help.

September 13, 2016 at 13:19
kellybarta14

kellybarta14

Thank you so much everyone.

@Mandi. I think what is keeping me from seeing a therapist is lack of extra time during the week and fear that my brother will find out. He would tease me relentlessly and my parents would get him in trouble, but I would just be ashamed that he found out.

@Adventure Girl. I am one of the heaviest out of any of my friends, which adds to the problem. I am only 5’2″ so that might have somewhat to do with it.

@Rainbow. Yes, I take medication. I have tried therapy before, but it didn’t seem life-transforming or anything.

September 18, 2016 at 17:16
theteenfashionista

theteenfashionista

@kellybarta My personal advice is just to forget all about guys and do stuff you love. Your worth should *never* be determined by a guy. And if you wait, the one will turn up 🙂 It will be better to wait on God’s timing than to try to find a boyfriend yourself 🙂 Hope this helped

September 19, 2016 at 10:35
AmieTheGrace

AmieTheGrace

Things always get better. I didnt quite read it all but I do know that from what you wrote, you are juggling a lot. My elder brother ALWAYS told me that boys arent everything. Focus on building something for yourself, build on you and never stop believing in the power of God that lives in you.
Dear, stop being so hard on yourself. All of this, its devil speak. They say that, its when youre about being victorious that the devil pulls out all his tricks.
Feeling like things arent moving along is normal. The important thing is to keep moving, five steps today, two steps back tomorrow, run at your own pace.

and lastly, if you need a friend… I am here! (sending you a virtual hug)

and in the words of one of my favourite childhood christian movies… Look at your life through heaven’s eyes!

September 30, 2016 at 08:10
AmieTheGrace

AmieTheGrace

Things always get better. I didnt quite read it all but I do know that from what you wrote, you are juggling a lot. My elder brother ALWAYS told me that boys arent everything. Focus on building something for yourself and never stop believeing in God.
Dear, stop being so hard on yourself. All of this, its devil speak. They say that, its when youre about being victorious that the devil pulls out all his tricks.
Feeling like things arent moving along is normal. The important thing is to keep moving, five steps today, two steps back tomorrow, run at your own pace.

and lastly, if you need a friend… I am here! (sending you a virtual hug)

and in the words of one of my favourite childhood christian movies… Look at your life through heaven’s eyes!

September 30, 2016 at 08:10
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