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    4 Reasons Why I Don’t Believe the Idea of “The One” Is Biblical

    I have a confession. When I first met my husband, Chris, nine years ago, it wasn’t love at first sight. We met in a college class, and even though I thought he was cute, I turned him down when he asked me out. I wasn’t trying to be cruel; I just didn’t think he was “The One.”

    You see, I had spent 19 years of my life waiting for the perfect person to fall in love with. I watched romantic movies and dreamed of the day I would find my soul mate. Like many girls my age, I made lists of what I wanted in the perfect man.

    Chris wasn’t what I thought I wanted, but he was exactly what I needed. After years of friendship, I realized I was in love, and I didn’t even know it. It was a love that was a hundred times better than any love I had ever seen in a movie.

    How could that be? He wasn’t “The One” who fit into the list I made as a 15-year-old girl. We’ve been happily married for six years, and I wish I knew then what I know now: The idea of “the one” isn’t romantic—it gives us an unrealistic picture of what love is. Here are four reasons why.

    1. It makes love about destiny rather than an active choice. Love doesn’t just happen; it has to be formed. True romance is making a commitment to love someone every day, even when it gets hard. The Bible says love between a man and a woman is a sacrifice, but it isn’t forced upon us. I love my husband because I choose to, not because I have to.
    2. It sets you both up for disappointment. The idea of “The One” implies that there is one perfect person for you who can fill every need, want and desire you ever have. What if things go wrong, and the butterflies go away? Does that mean you didn’t marry “The One”? No, there are bound to be hard times in any relationship. Love is a daily exercise in selflessness between two sinful people.
    3. It takes away your freedom to choose. God gives us the freedom to choose in our lives. He tells us that he has a purpose and a plan for us, but he doesn’t dictate our lives and move us around like puppets on strings. Marriage is a big step, and it shouldn’t be taken lightly, but I truly believe only two things matter in marriage: 1) Does your partner love God, and encourage you to love God more? 2) Is he willing to commit for life, no matter what? Everything else is just a bonus.
    4. It takes away the excitement of being surprised by love. We serve a big God. He wants good things for your life, but that doesn’t mean that there is only one person who can make you happy. Don’t limit God.

    It might sound horribly unromantic, but there is no biblical evidence to support the idea of soul mates. But take it from someone who knows from experience: True selfless love is way better than anything you’ve seen in the movies.


    1. This is true. Not to mention we all fall short of the path that God has planned for us. We could end up going down a different path because of the choices we have made, and that means it is a possibility that the choices that have been made alter the chance of you meeting your “special someone” on the other path, but it can open up a new door for you to meet someone else on the path you’re on.

    2. Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!!!! While I think God gives you desires of a husband for a reason (because He knows who you will marry), I have been slowly learning the idea that there is not “the One”.

    3. I agree that the idea of “the one” as you described is not biblical. However, it is real in the sense that God knows who “the one” you will marry is 🙂
      Always remember – expectations ruin relationships! You should have expectations and standards of Godliness, church commitment, etc. but not about what sports he plays, how big his biceps are, or the color of his hair, etc.

    4. All of the points here are very true, but only if we allow ourselves to believe “the one” will be perfect. Most of us who look at people realistically know Noone is perfect, not even “the one”. Also I think that Ruth and boaz in the bible make a perfect example of soul mates being destined by God.

      • Thank you!!!! I was reading all these comments and I’m just sitting here like “Aren’t you guys forgetting something huge??!” Just because “The One” is out there doesn’t mean that we don’t have to make a choice to love, or commit to a Godly relationship – and it definitely doesn’t mean that “The One” will be perfect, because no one is.

    5. I’ve also come to this realization after being married for over five years. God-fearing and committed people are the two most important ingredients in a Christian marriage. On top of that, effective communication, healthy compromise, similar goals and interest, etc. help to make a successful relationship.

      I used to think there was a “one” person for me as well until I really thought about a few things. I couldn’t find it in the bible. What if your “one” married someone else and you were stuck with the only options of singleness or stealing someone else’s “one”? I’ve met people who have been widowed and then remarried, thus having multiple Godly marriages due to circumstances. Did God set up multiple “ones” for them because He knew this would happen? Some things to ponder. Thank you for writing!

    6. Personally, I absolutely agree with this. All my life people have told me to “wait for God to give me THE ONE,” but I’ve never been sure that’s an exactly right thing. Reading this made me feel good – like I’m not the only one in the world who isn’t sure.

    7. This is why I don’t have a “list” for my future husband. On the occasions when I tried, everything I wrote seemed so trivial. I don’t care about eye or hair color, or music preferences, how big his muscles are, or any of that. I care about his heart, his love for God, above everything else. Having a list may work for some people, but not me. 🙂

    8. I’ve been taught that if God wants you to get married, of course He has someone in mind for you. The person He knows you should be with will not be perfect and fill all your needs, because nobody is perfect, no marriage is perfect, and only God can make you truly happy. But, the person God has in store for you will be exactly who you need to help you truly grow as a Christian. I’m sorry if some Christians think this idea is not Biblical. I personally think it is a good reminder to us not to throw ourselves into relationships that end up being harmful for us, but to pray and have faith in God that He will reveal who it is we are to marry in His own time and in His own way. Because in the end, we can only marry one man and to me, it is logical to assume that God knows exactly who it is that I will marry and is preparing him.

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