What will it be like—your first night together as a married couple? It’s not wrong to wonder! If you’ve been pursuing God’s design for sexuality, you’re probably feeling a mixture of eagerness, excitement and nerves about this special night.
Unfortunately, purity culture has cast a dark cloud over what should be a joyful conversation. In an attempt to prevent sexual sin, some Christians have made sexuality out to be dirty or scary. But fear is never a motivator for purity, and God never once treats sexuality as something of which to be ashamed. Only when sex is associated with sin does shame assault us, and even those who have sinned sexually can be redeemed!
With this as our foundation for understanding sex, we should look forward to the wedding night with joy. Even as you do, remember the following five things.
1. Your wedding night will not be your best night together. Because Christians are called to save sex for marriage—whether as secondary virgins or not—the wedding night is laden with a lot of pressure. We treat it as a destination, as the end goal. But that’s not what the wedding night is! It’s not your best night together because it’s your first night together. There is so much growth and trust in your future. There is much more practice, more intimacy, more FUN for the two of you down the road. Your best nights are ahead of you, and the wedding night is only one of them.
2. Your wedding night is not about performance. Don’t pressure yourself to be someone you’re not the night after your wedding. Just be yourself. Your husband-to-be is not looking for you to impress him; he simply wants to love you. If you make sexuality about performance, the irony is that it often doesn’t work. When we feel under pressure to perform in one of the most intimate actions we can take as humans, we tend to “choke” and the moment is ruined. So don’t pressure yourself or your spouse. It’s about being together.
3. Your wedding night is about trust and intimacy. Sexuality is physical intimacy. This intimacy is supposed to be the product of spiritual and emotional intimacy, and it is protected by a covenant for that reason. If you aren’t in a place of trust with your spouse, your sex life will suffer. The most important thing you can bring to the bedroom is not a “hot body” or an awesome set of lingerie, but a trusting relationship. That’s what matters most.
4. Your wedding night is a beginning, not a destination. As stated before, your wedding night is just the first of a series of nights you’ll have together. Some nights, sex won’t be awesome. Some nights it will be silly and you will laugh. Other nights you’ll feel like you didn’t “do it right” and will have to talk about it. This is just the beginning of an entire lifetime of sexual unity and progress.
5. Your wedding night is honored and blessed by God. God is not embarrassed by your wedding night; He designed it and He wants you to celebrate it! Don’t be afraid to bring God into this special moment. Sexuality was designed by God and it was twisted by the enemy. When you invite God into your sexuality—both personally and as a couple—you are inviting in the One who created sex itself. He blesses and honors sex done His way. He is not ashamed of it, and you shouldn’t be, either!
If you’re scared of your wedding night, check out this post. But be encouraged! This is just one step in your journey to a beautiful future as a couple who loves God. And that’s nothing to be afraid of!