You were smitten the day he walked into youth group. He’s not only good-looking, he’s also godly, kind and funny. You can’t help but like him, and the very idea that he might like you back makes you swoon. So why doesn’t he know you exist?
It’s possible you’re turning away the guy you like without even knowing it. As a relationship blogger, I’ve seen this issue arise again and again. Girls want to know why guys don’t ask them out, especially the kind of men worth waiting for. Over the years I’ve conducted interviews with up to 50 Christian guys, and as they shared their side of the relationship equation, I saw consistencies emerge. Their thoughts are summarized in the following five things girls do that turn Christian guys away from a potential relationship.
- Coming off as clingy. The girl who dominates a guy’s time and attention, texts him constantly or is always at his elbow during social events may think she’s just showing interest, but she’s actually sabotaging any hope for a potential relationship. Relationships need space to breathe. Guys (and girls, too) need the freedom to build friendships with everyone at youth group or within a gang of friends. When a girl presents herself as constantly available—socially, emotionally and even physically—she comes off as clingy and emotionally immature. Godly guys are looking for women who exude confidence in their singleness—not codependency.
- Coming off as intimidating. This girl won’t just compete with the boys—she’ll beat the boys. Her way of showing interest is through competition. Unfortunately, it takes a guy with a very strong personality to see past her competitive spirit to the sentiments of her heart. Intimidating women exude so much confidence, it can be off-putting to the guys who may like her. It’s not that they don’t respect her; it’s that they think they can’t measure up to her expectations. As a former “intimidator,” I have personal experience with this issue in relationships! If you’re competitive, you don’t have to change your spirit—just the way you present that spirit to the world. Take time to listen, ask questions and be interested in the lives of others. Let people share their opinions without contest. And don’t let winning be everything—because it’s not.
- Changing yourself to fit his ideal. Healthy relationships are built on two people whose differences are smoothed over by a commitment to love. Our differences of opinion and preference sharpen us as individuals—“iron sharpens iron,” as the book of Proverbs so wisely says. That’s why it’s counterproductive to agree with everything the guy you like has to say. If you try to be everything you think a guy wants, you’ll lose part of yourself along the way. This cheats the other person of your true self and also of the growth relationships are designed to produce. Don’t change yourself to fit what a guy might want; be yourself, and the right guy will appreciate it.
- Desperately wanting a relationship. Guys can tell when a girl just wants a relationship. The aforementioned “clinginess” is a red flag, as are frequent infatuations and ensuing breakups. Desperate girls defeat their own purpose, because the guys they end up with are almost always as desperate as they are. This results in an extremely unhealthy start to dating.Desperation is always the product of discontent. Discontent is always the product of a lack of trust in God. When a woman trusts God for her future (and her relationships), she lives contentedly. Contentment results in confidence, which is attractive to godly men. The best way to go about relationships is to trust God fully—then live fruitfully right where you are.
- Not being the real you. What do all these behaviors have in common? They aren’t God’s design for your character. Christian women are given the Spirit of God Himself, who equips us to walk in “love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control” (Galatians 5:22-23). This is the real you. The clingy, intimidating, fake, desperate girl is not who you are. In Christ, you are confident in your identity and your future, because both lie in His hand. All you have to do is follow Him, embrace His plan and walk daily in relationship with Him—where you’ll learn what it takes to love a man, not just like a guy.