Ask Aysha: “When It Comes to Kissing, How Far Is Too Far?”

    I know that kissing can sometimes lead to worse things. So what is your advice on kissing? How far is too far?

    This can be a very complicated and controversial question. Some people think it’s okay to kiss as long as it doesn’t go too far, while others don’t think it’s a good idea to kiss at all while you’re dating. My thoughts are on the conservative side because our job as believers is to glorify Christ in everything we do–even dating! When you’re deciding how far is too far, take these tips to heart:

    • Consider courting. These days, many people date recreationally. But since the true home of Christians is Heaven, you’re only visiting this place called Earth for the purpose of furthering God’s Kingdom. You shouldn’t focus on the world’s customs, but should be aiming to please God. As a Christian, consider courting, not dating. This means that your dating is intentional. If you’re not sure you’re going to marry the boy you’re dating, then physical contact should be limited.
    • Don’t tempt yourself. The Bible is clear about this. God knows temptation will come your way and He instructs Believers to flee from it. This is because He knows that the “spirit is willing but the body is weak” (Matthew 26:41). A lot of kissing can very easily lead to further temptation.
    • Establish boundaries. Boundaries are important in relationships. Keep in mind that until you’re married, your boyfriend is really just your brother in Christ, so a lot of physical contact isn’t appropriate. The Bible says, “Greet one another with a kiss of love” (1 Peter 5:14), so a quick peck when you and your boyfriend meet up is fine, but when it turns into more, that could lead to temptation.
    • Pray. Praying is the most important thing you can do as a Christian, so seek guidance from God on this issue. God said He would give you wisdom when you ask, and this applies to ALL areas of your life. Ask The Holy Spirit to guide you and listen when He tries to convict you when things are going too far. That small, still voice you hear is often God trying to get your attention.

    If you need wisdom, ask our generous God, and He will give it to you. He will not rebuke you for asking. But when you ask Him, be sure that your faith is in God alone. Do not waver, for a person with divided loyalty is as unsettled as a wave of the sea that is blown and tossed by the wind. Such people should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. Their loyalty is divided between God and the world, and they are unstable in everything they do (James 1:5-8).

    My suggestion to you girls is to try to avoid too much physical contact so temptation doesn’t become an issue. Try going on double dates or dating in groups so you don’t spend too much time alone with the guy you’re dating. As God’s daughter, you should be limiting physical contact until you’re married to the one God has in store for you!

    What do you do to avoid temptation? What do you think about kissing–how far is too far?

    More Stories Like This on Project Inspired:

    Ask Aysha: “What Should I Do If My Parents or Friends Don’t Believe in God?”
    Ask Aysha: “I Told My Crush I Like Him and Now It’s Awkward. What Should I Do?”
    Ask Aysha: “I’m Nervous Around the Guy I Like! What Should I Do?”

    Aysha Ives
    Aysha Ives loves God with her whole heart and has a desire to help hurting people. With a Masters Degree in Psychology, she combines her education and experience with her love for God to help people live whole and fulfilled lives. Aysha is an Author, Mental Health Provider, Youth Church Teacher, and the mother of one gifted little boy whom she absolutely adores. Aysha is honored to be able to share her love of God with Project Inspired readers. Aysha is also the author of God Cares About Your Stuff: How To Believe For Tomorrow When Things Look Utterly, Completely, And Totally Impossible Today, released February 2013- Available at Amazon.


    1. Well…Jacob kissed Rachel the first time he saw her. Of course, theres more to the story and kisses probably had a different cultural significance during the time. 😀
      Any who, personally I don’t see anything wrong with kissing before or after you’re married. However, I would like to have an established relationship with someone before kissing them. Kissing on the first date seems absurd to me. I’m more interested in establishing a Godly relationship with someone than achieving the “first kiss”. As the author notes “If you’re not sure you’re going to marry the boy you’re dating, then physical contact should be limited.” I

    2. I recently had my first kiss on Saturday and I’m kind of regretting it. Is that normal? I really thought this boy was perfect and we were hanging out a lot! He gets straight A’s, plays my sport, goes to my church, respects me, etc. We got to know each other and then we went on a real date and he kissed me a couple of times. Now he is trying to choose between liking me and a different girl. I don’t understand why though he kissed me not her! I just want my first kiss back. HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh and I am 15 turning 16 in 6 days.

      • I have felt the EXACT same way. I have never been interested in guys and this guy kissed me too, several times. I could NOT get over the guilt. i felt….really bad. i did. But i have come to find God has used that to teach me, and draw me closer to Him. Keep seeking Him girl, and dont let ANYONE or ANYTHING get in the way!

      • I know this was posted a while ago but I had the exact same feeling when I had my first kiss. It wasn’t till a while later when I realized I had that guilt for a reason and I should have reacted the instant I had that feeling. I should have immediately prayed and asked God what He was trying to tell me

    3. Women! I encourage you to PRAY over this. The cool thing about our faith is that it is liberating. We have the Word, we have the Spirit and we grow and morph and question as we breathe in His word. When you are dealing with such a personal topic, you’ve GOT to make it personal. Bring it to God, in prayer–no other way to do this.
      When I met my partner in relationship I never thought I would be dating, courting, any of that. Figured I would save it for college when I would meet some nerdy, dashing, faithful, outdoorsy man at an Ivy league. *God had a different experience in mind, for me.* Junior year I walked into student ministry after a long day at school–I was feeling ditzy and bubbly at the same time, found a balloon that was hanging around from a birthday celebration, walked up to it and started bouncing it up and down laughing at the Physics of it all. Up comes the tall lanky dark haired boy I’d watched curiously play the strangely shaped electric violin in the band. He came up, said “bouncy?” And laughed at the string as it curled around my finger when I waved. I didn’t know him, knew of him, but didn’t know him. He confirmed my identity suspicions when he told me his name was Michael. I introduced myself, Annie, and I began a very rare monologue about the ditziness and lack of control felt by an OCD ADD young student swimming in masses of textbook quizzes and monotonous conversation. He seemed intrigued enough to talk to me. We ended up sitting next to each other during the service, that’s when it was confirmed that he was that Viper player I’d seen before.
      Fast forward about 3 months and we had done quite a bit of life together. I took myself off of medication for various anxieties and he had been there the whole time. He was hospitalized for illness and I was there the whole time. He met me in a very interesting time in my life. I was transitioning, redefining my identity in Christ rather than in my studies as my grades dropped low and I dropped to my knees along with. \
      That tall lanky, witty guy was there with me. One day I finally asked, what are we? At least a month of flirts and me talking with God, “why am I interested in dating, Lord, I never thought this would happen. College? What then?” So many questions. He was having the same ones. And so I asked him point blank. And we decided we were very much infatuated, to say the least. We’d seen each other angry, joyful, happy, sad, prayerful, and at our lows all in just a couple months of being good friends. We made it official that night, watching Lord of the Rings with friends we traded our cell phones and typed in “in a relationship” on each other’s facebook. A few days before in prayer I had been directed to reflect on our friendship–qualities, as well as my goals in this pursuit. Loud and clear he said “this is the kind of guy I want you to marry.” No it wasn’t like, YOU, 16 YEAR OLD–>THIS BOY, RIGHT HERE, YOU’VE BEEN PREDESTINED. It’s never been like that. It’s been God subtly telling me, yes, Annie, talk to him, pray about it, and be with him, because there is no way that you and the way I want you to be, the person I want you to become exists without This. It’s been that.
      So a month after we decided we were more than just close friends, we shared our first kiss. And I wouldn’t have traded it for the world. It was special, it was honorable, it was chaste, it was incredulous, it was right.
      We had talked about kissing. We had established boundaries. We were in a dating and sex series titled “Best Sex Ever” in our youth ministry and we had very bluntly laid down the guidelines for our relationship one night on the way home. We laughed about it–those “social norms,” but we were serious. We both prayed about it that night and responded again with an okay on the boundaries. It included quips like “you shall not pass,” and also heavy subjects about what words were okay to say. What kind of love would this be. I said clearly that I would not say “I love you.” Not the phrase. I cited the greek forms and lamented the lexical gap in the English language that equates all of the different kinds of love into this four letter word loaded with mixed connotations. I said that I would state I loved him as a friend, my brother in Christ, and my companion, but that my first “eros” love was saved to also be my last. He replied with yes, “‘I love you’ is for very close to marriage for me.” We talked about goals. Marriage, Godly relationship and a supported pursuit of each other by our families. Touch boundaries were set and we agreed to assess our relationship daily with “thoughts” and monthly with reflections. We made a promise to each other that we would do our best to work spiritually and mentally through self control to keep our standards and inform each other of our struggles so we could pull each other out of them. It’s obvious we aren’t embarrassed to talk about these things, helps when you are both dating another blunt Biology major. 😉 And yes, girls, it can be hard. It can be hard when you are sitting together on the couch discussing the day, when you’re in the coffee shop and he refuses to let you pay, when you’re at church and he leads in prayer, when you are together on a walk in the woods and stop in a pavilion to rest. It can be hard–but it’s hard because it’s special. Everything about it. Every piece of the relationship is God’s and yours together with your partner. So from that first dorky kiss to the documentary-watching dates when he kisses you long and you melt at the end as the credits roll.
      And the whole time, you’re with God, and you’re talking to him. And you are asking “is this right for me?” Am I guarding him? Is he struggling?
      Are we doing right by our standards? And when the answer come up easily–‘yes.’ And when God tells both of you yes, ‘this is right,’ then you are blessed.
      Don’t get caught up in legalism to avoid the relationship advantages that God places between a committed couple. Stay in your boundaries, and as your relationship grows closer in emotion, you will grow closer physically.
      I tell him, my amicus, every day, that he has done more for my anxiety disorder than any prescription. We are doing life together. And God is there the whole time leading us to wherever this crazy ride will end up. We dream for the future, but we do not plan. We know God will bless what is needed for the two of us and for our families along the way. I could see myself with this man, no doubt–so we hug when stressed, and we kiss when our eyes meet in this way, and we share what we are living. I’ve been blessed, and through this whole time, you bet I’ve wondered what all should happen between the two of us. What KIND of kissing, how long, etc. And time has decided for us. No article online, not even a sister in Christ’s advice will decide for you what you and your partner need. It’s personal.
      It’s sacred.
      It’s special.
      Every moment.
      So PRAY like it is.
      That is all,

      • Thank you so much for this! My boyfriend and I have been together a year on the 26th, and I often find myself just wanting to be with him. Sometimes I feel guilty, like I should be content just seeing him when I normally do. But now I think God is telling me something through you. It’s good to want to spend time with him! He treats me like a princess, and lives for the Lord. This boy has thrown a rut into my plans of independence and worldly success. Now, instead of dreaming of having a well-paying job and living alone, I dream of getting married young, having children, and maybe even being a stay at home mom. I have grown so much closer to God through this boy, and I think He’s telling me that I can’t do it on my own either. It’s hard for me to believe it, but I think it’s true. Thank you!

      • Thank you so much! I’ve been struggling with this for a while with my boyfriend, and while he’s respectful of the boundaries we’ve set, it’s always gotten a bit difficult to express exactly what those boundaries are. I’ve been looking for advice everywhere but I just haven’t found something that matches up with what I believe is right for our relationship. Your story helped me realize that it’s up to us– and God– to determine exactly what they are. Thank you a million times!

      • Wow, that really is amazing Annie! Thanks for writing that. I am not dating yet but this is so great. It is true that our boundaries are between us, the man we are dating, and God. That is all, and that is how it should be. No one can tell us what the perfect boundaries are, but they are what God lays on our hearts.

      • That’s really awesome and inspiring!!! That is exactly what I want my relationship with my boyfriend to be. I’m at a time now where I feel like God wants us to talk about boundaries, so I’m planning on talking about that with him soon. I’ve been thinking about what to say. I’m praying about it!!

        Anyway thanks for writing that. 🙂

      • not a word to be said that was perfect thank you so much you’ve helped me in more ways than I can thank you and have helped spread your testimony in so many ways THANK YOU GOD BLESS YOU I AM SO HAPPY YOU ARE BOTH DOING GREAT! 😀

    4. Well, I don’t know if someone’s said this already or not…but picture it like this…
      There is a room. God is on one end, and the line that separates purity from impurity is on the other. The closer you get to the line, the further you’re going from God. Just a thought:)

      • I don’t think it is! I didn’t want my first kiss to be on my wedding day…I never liked the idea of such a special moment between 2 people happening for the 1st time in front of a big crowd! But that’s just me. Everyone’s different.

        I do think, though, that you shouldn’t let anyone pressure you into having your first kiss. Save it for someone you genuinely love and care about and could see yourself marrying one day. If you’re not sure, you might feel guilty about it. This has happened to me! After 1 bad experience, I was much more careful!

        There’s nothing wrong with having your first kiss before your wedding! Trust me, God is not going to think any less of you for wanting to have your first kiss before your wedding day!! And His opinion is the most important one anyway!

    5. Me and my boyfriend, the man that I know I am going to spend the rest of my life with, first met while I was in high school, and I went on my very first date ever when I was 18. We established right there that to avoid temptation, we wouldn’t kiss on the lips until our wedding day, but we kiss on the cheek and forehead now. 🙂 But kissing isn’t the only thing that sparks temptation to go further…we also made rules not to touch each other on anywhere that is not the arms, shoulders, back, or face. We only give side-hugs, which are NOT awkward as some people say!! I’ll tell you, we have the most romantic side hugs ever! 😉 🙂 But above all else, keep your mind pure, don’t fantasize about the wedding night. Yes, you should be excited for that moment in the future, (if not, perhaps you should re-consider..) but it is lust to dwell upon the details of it.

      Stay pure! We have to be the beacons of light in this dark world, even if everyone else is “doing it!” 🙂 Love you all!

    6. I’ve had my first kiss already.A lot of kisses actually before I was saved. But now that I have a relationship with God I really wanna try not to kiss again until marriage. I personally think kissing is too far for some guys and some can’t handle it. And it’d be soooo special to have your husband and yours first kiss on your wedding night.

    7. My boyfriend and I decided the other night that we’re not going to kiss for a while. He said it first, that he doesn’t want to be tempted, and I completely agree. I haven’t had my first kiss yet, and honestly I don’t think I’m ready yet. I don’t think kissing is wrong, unless it goes too far, but I’m glad we’re gonna wait 🙂

      • I’d like to have my first kiss on my wedding day. If you reserve it for your husband, I’d make him feel special. It’s like you finally unwrap a present you’d been wanting to open for the longest time.

    8. My personal advice, don’t start kissing if you don’t want to have any.. “feelings”, if you get the drift. And always remember, anything you feel for that guy, that guy is feeling double or triple or even more for you. So if you realize it makes you feel a little tempted, just imagine how tempted he is. I have many friends who are so crazy about making out with their bfs all the time in the dark and alone, and then they get really mad when the guy wants to have sex with them. When in reality, it’s all their fault for tempting him way too much! It isn’t always all the guy’s fault; if more girls would learn and realize that everything they do is having an effect on him, less teens would compromise. They wouldn’t cause the poor guy so much temptation he was begging them for sex until they caved in and said yes. Not what everyone wants to hear, but it’s the truth.

        • It’s [sex drive] got to vary for everyone. Remember boys don’t have much to lose, and unless he’s real strong and resilient and godly he might not resist temptation. But I wouldn’t be in the dark with a boyfriend. Or boy friend.
          But then again, I’m a single pringle; I don’t have much experience.

    9. Kissing is a way to show affection. There is nothing wrong with it if it’s not just for the sake of pleasure. It’s for someone you really like or someone you love. I say kiss until the Holy Spirit tells you to stop because God knows best. God knows what you will do before you do it, and he won’t let you go too far if you listen to that voice.

      • I wholeheartedly agree thank you for sharing my opinion everyone else is just kind of overreacting a bit cause I’m a really stubborn person and if I have my mind made up about something like that than nothing is gonna change it but I guess some people are not as strong

      • that just helped me so much thank you I am a strong Christian and me and my boyfriend never leave a PG level and never intend to we don’t touch badly or French kiss or non of that but I always wondered about this so thank you 🙂 it really helps cause I do make sure I make it a point to stop when the Holy Spirit tells me to stop so thank you so so so much God bless you!! also thanks cause everyone is really flipping out about kissing at all before marriage but I don’t feel like its something to feel horrible over if you’ve already had your first kiss cause that was just Gods different plan for you 🙂

    10. I believe kissing can be good and bad, although we all think that it will never go too far it always can and it sometimes does, I have never been kissed and when my boyfriend and I talked about it, he regretted ever kissing a girl before me although some say this was just to get to me I know it wasn’t and even if it was in other cases I just imagine what if I were that girl who stool that kiss from the true one he was meant to be with I would hate myself, because when I think about it I don’t really want my boyfriend to have kissed other girls before me so I don’t believe he would have wanted that from me and if he isn’t the one I’m intended to be with then we are actually stealing from each other… this is a hard thing to answer a hard topic to consider because we all want kissed we all want that feeling but we do have to consider what we are stealing from that other girl if we aren’t actually the one intended for him!

    11. I don’t know about you, but I saw the photo and immediately wanted icecream. Take kissing in steps, small kisses if anything at all. Leave the rest for marriage, as hard as it is, but if you starve yourself too much of something enjoyable (i.e. icecream), it just becomes a greater temptation in the end.

    12. I like this a lot. And I like all the girls on here agreeing with it and having such amazing men of God as their boyfriends to accept all of this.
      It almost makes me jealous haha :p
      I’m not sure if anybody would read this hehe but I had a boyfriend till about two months ago and we had dated for nearly 3 months. I met him through some good friends online and the very first time I met him he went nuts and just kissed me and kept trying to take me back outside. That was my very first kiss and I was terrified and very uncomfortable, I wasn’t sure why but there was a reason why I had that feeling of guilt. He didn’t respect me or my dad at all, he wouldn’t court me, he wouldn’t wait for marriage because his friends would make fun of me and him for wanting to wait till marriage. He was 19 so I thought he would be much more mature and reasonable
      Long story short he tuned abusive and controlling but somehow I still liked him and loved him like Jesus no matter what. But finally because he didn’t like my dad, he didn’t like the boundaries, rules and he didn’t want to respect me or anything we ended it and he’s completely gone forever and has just forgot about me. It’s probably the most hurtful thing I’ve been through and still going through :/ it hurts more then anything
      Me and my two good godly girlfriends have talked and we’ve talked about certain men that could possibly be my boyfriend, but when I think about it I realize that no good Christian man likes me. They just don’t :/ I don’t know why. I’ve seemed to only have guys in their 20s who just want sex and to hurt me. It breaks my heart because I want a good godly man in my life but no good man wants me
      Like I said I don’t know if anybody will read this haha but if y’all could pray for me. I seriously wish I could have a relationship like this post and like many of these girls have

      • If you really want a relationship like the one in this post you need look to God. My heart aches for you, it really does. I know you have probably heard this many times, but it is true: You don’t need a guy.

        Romans 8:28 says “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him…”

        He is using that abuse and tragedy that arose from your ex-boyfriend to draw you closer to Him; so that you will lean on Him and give Him your all.

        The devil, on the other hand, will take the tragedy and try and mess with God’s restoration operation for you. He (the devil) wants you to look everywhere but God. He wants you to look to men and to other things and make them idols.

        An amazing book I have read multiple times is, Battlefield of the Mind For Teens, by Joyce Meyer. It is great for learning how to breakdown fortresses the devil has built in our minds.

        Sorry for this really long reply. All together: I will be praying for you, and boys are bad (romantically) when God is not in His rightful place in our hearts.

      • carrie i know how u feel cuz ive passed through what u r going through, but u have to remember that God has a plan for our lives and he took that guy away from u cause He knows that guy didnt desrve a daughter of the most High King. I dont know u personally but u r a beautiful princess and trust that a Godloving prince will come for u! But u have to remember that its gonna be in God’s time not yours. So be patient and just keep ypur eyes fixed on God. When u least exepect it ur other half will come 🙂
        You sound like u are very young so dont worry u have lots of time to wait for ur prince!
        leave the past behing and ask God to heal your broken heart and to help u forgive the guy who hurt u, I will be praying for u too my sister but dont forget to always put our God first and everything else will be added ok?! 🙂
        God bless u carrie!!! 😀

    13. I like this article very much. However, I think the young lady asking this question is asking the wrong question. Instead of asking how close you can get to the line, ask yourself, “How close can I get to Jesus?” As you get closer to Jesus, you will care about what He says, and His plans. Jesus raised the standard for living when He said that the person who is looking after a woman lustfully was committing adultery in their heart (Matthew 5:27-28). The closer you get to Jesus, the less likely you are to be tempted by something. So ask Jesus to come closer to you and He will (James4:8)!

    14. Thank you! Although I dont have a boyfriend, my bff of 5 years does. She is the type of person who thinks she is going to marry every bf she has. (not to be rude)
      but anyways, she kissed her bf at camp, and they have only been dating about a month. It was a pretty serious kiss too.

    15. I was just telling on of my friends about setting her own boundaries. She asked about what mine were and she said she thought there were rules for every christian girl who was dating/courting. I said she makes her own boundaries with the help of her parents. It kinda stunned me that she didn’t know she could set her own boundaries! Crazy right? Or is just me?

    16. Yeah only I don’t know what everyone’s definition of courting is. Sometimes it,s like you don’t kiss till you’re married (which makes for an awkward first kiss during the wedding) sometimes it just means you don’t date till you plan on marrying (which I agree with). It’s so complicated. It’s hard to find other people who are “officially” doing courtship and stuff. I’d rather just say I’m “dating” and have the same type of boundaries (to an extent) easy peasy.

    17. As someone who is going on a “date” this Wednesday (I am attending his youth bible study and then we are going out to eat with his family), I really like the idea of group dates. Not only does everyone feel safe and accepted, but also it is a good chance to see how your date acts around his other friends! I also think it is a really good idea to get to know his family (and vice versa) and set boundaries with their support. I feel I am less likely to stumble when I have both of our families backing us. Another perk to group dates – “making out” doesn’t sound very fun when your peers are all around you. This gives couples a chance to connect emotionally and spiritually before there is any temptation for sexual contact. Good luck girlies! xo.

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