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Love

“Help! I’m Jealous of My Boyfriend’s Friend!”

My boyfriend is really close friends with another girl and I’m jealous! I’m not concerned that she will “replace” me or anything, but I hate that I have to share my boyfriend with her. Every time he mentions that I should become friends with her too, I get very irritated and begin to think, “No way!” I know that I’m not behaving in a very loving way and I try to pray for her, but I just don’t like her friendship with my boyfriend! What should I do?

Managing relationships can be quite difficult because two imperfect people are trying to create one relationship. Things get even trickier because both parties are connected to other people, which can create even bigger problems! So what do you do when jealousy rears its head? Here are some suggestions:

  • Pray. The Bible is clear that God wants His people to show the love of Christ to everyone and to avoid being envious or jealous of others. It’s important that you pray and ask God to remove whatever it is that’s causing the jealousy.
  • Don’t be afraid to discuss the issue with your boyfriend. It’s important to be honest with your boyfriend and for the two of you to set boundaries you’re both comfortable with. It’s probably not a good idea to give him an ultimatum because that could negatively impact your relationship. However, setting limits that you both can live with is advisable.
  • Do some self-reflection! Understanding what is the root cause of the jealousy will really help with managing it. If sharing your boyfriend with others in a non-romantic way is something that bothers you, perhaps there are other underlying issues that you’re struggling with. It could be that others have abandoned you in the past, perhaps it’s that you need more attention for various reasons, or it could be a subconscious fear that your boyfriend may be attracted to his friend. Whatever the issue is, it’s important for you to figure it out so that you can work through the jealousy.
  • Love YOURSELF! We’re all imperfect people and we all have things that God wants us to change! Don’t be too hard on yourself regarding this experience. Remind yourself of how GREAT you are and an amazing thing will begin to happen: When you love God as well as yourself (because you’re His wonderful creation), that agape love will begin to pour out onto others…even you boyfriend’s friend!
  • Ask God for revelation. Ask God to allow you to see your boyfriend’s friend the way that God sees her! Often when we’re able to see others from a divine perspective, we’re able to see the “person” beneath the exterior. The Holy Spirit will reveal to you what it is that you need to see so that you can relinquish the jealousy and dislike of her. Who knows, your boyfriend may be assigned to this young lady for some reason and God would want you to support that mission!

What do you girls think? Have you ever been in this situation? What did you do?

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12 Comments

  1. streabig

    Posted by streabig on February 1, 2015 at 16:00

    So, here’s the thing. I am “that friend”. Not specifically your boyfriend’s friend, but I am that girl in a situation. So I guess I have the parallel problem that you do. I have three best friends, and one of them is a guy. He and I have been friends for over 3 years now, and I have been his shoulder through 3 relationships. He and I are super close. His newest girlfriend, well, she and I used to be friends, but now she really dislikes me, and has for awhile. Our personalities clash (I’m outgoing and spazzy, where she is quiet and reserved), so it’s not that big of a deal. The only problem is, I think she has a problem with my friendship with her boyfriend. I’ve been his friend longer than he’s even registered her existence, and yet she acts as though I am a threat (and I’m not, because I have it bad for the best guy friend of my guy friend–if that makes sense). I just would say to your predicament, I know you’re jealous (trust me, I get that, haha), but see it through the friend’s eyes. Based on your statement, you do feel guilty about the whole ordeal, but, as the friend, I would say just let it go. If you are worried about trust with your boyfriend, that is sort of a different thing entirely.

  2. RachelSassley

    Posted by RachelSassley on November 5, 2014 at 20:55

    In April of this year I started dating a guy, he was a “christian.” He was my first boyfriend at 17 years old. I felt from the start that it wasn’t going to lead me to Christ, but I thought maybe I could help lead him to God and we could use our relationship to glorify God and come closer to him. After many times of talking to him about this and almost-breaking up a few times because of it, he still hadn’t shown the desire to change. I think the only reason he wanted to change was so that he could still be with me. I know I didn’t love him as much as he “loved” me and I as the months went by I started growing less attracted to him and just starting to notice things that I didn’t like about him. His friends were bad influences and were always talking badly about me, and telling him to break up with me, pressuring him to smoke and drink (which he gave into multiple times before and while we were dating), and he didn’t exactly stand up for me. It made me feel so terrible and lonely. I didn’t kiss him because my purity is very important to me, but he felt the need to tell his friends that we did. Just so that they would get off his back. Like, really? That was another red flag. The fact that his “values” weren’t all that valuable to him anyways.. If you believe something, stand by it. Yes, my friends had made fun of me for not kissing him yet, but I won’t do anything I’m not comfortable with. Also, in the first month of our relationship I was going through depression and terrible loneliness, I don’t know if this came out of the relationship because I was drawing away from God? But it felt horrible. I felt this relationship was leading no where. Yes, he was a really nice guy, very polite and respected me physically (for the most part, a few times he tried to push kissing) but he never showed the passion for God that I need in a guy. I think that is why my physical attraction to him lessened over time. And no, a potential boyfriend doesn’t have to have it all figured out, but at least have the desire to draw near to God and help lead me in my walk as well. I broke up with him after 4 months of dating, It was so hard but I felt it had to happen. I have struggled with it a lot since I broke up with him. But I don’t understand why it hurt so much? Why did it take so long to finally stop thinking about him everyday? I’ve tried to come up with reasons why breaking up with him was a good idea, but other times I hear about the things he did after we broke up and it breaks my heart. But I know I can’t try to help him anymore. Did I break up with him for good reason? I know it’s a silly fear to have, but honestly sometimes I think I will never find the right guy. When I started dating I becAme unattracted to my first boyfriend, and eventually didn’t like being around him anymore, I’m afraid I’m going to do this to any guy that comes into my life. At first I reeeaallly like them and think they’re so cute and then slowly it starts to dissipate after a while. Do you think it’s me, or the relationship I was in that did this to me?

  3. dkellyd

    Posted by dkellyd on November 29, 2013 at 17:03

    I’m not even allowed to date.. r u?

  4. chicken_chick

    Posted by chicken_chick on November 12, 2013 at 13:41

    I also struggled with the “I feel like a terrible girlfriend for being so jealous” .. but I don’t want to lose him. What would it say about me if I didn’t care?

  5. chicken_chick

    Posted by chicken_chick on November 12, 2013 at 13:35

    My bf was friends with a lot of girls.. who started really hating me after we began dating. They were horrible and would flirt with him anytime I wasn’t there. (or was there, for that matter) Not all of them were like that of course. But some would always be trying to hug him and flirt with him and talk to him and get his attention away from me. He totally couldn’t see it for a while.. then he did. I couldn’t deal with all that.. so we have our agreement. He does not under any circumstances hang out with girls. He can talk to the nice girls who dress very modestly and are honorable and show respect. No hugs from any girls whatsoever. Certain girls, he doesn’t see, talk to, go around, or in any way associate. (and not for no reason) I don’t hang out with guys. (he doesn’t even like my cousin) I can be friends with the nice respectful guys. No hugging guys. (not even at youth group)

    It works for us. I get hugged at youth group occasionally by my awesome adopted big brother, but he deals with that.

    Really, I don’t need guy friends (not including casual friendships), because my bf is my best guy friend I should ever have. He’s the man in my life. I don’t need to get tripped up and mess up my relationship so I can be friends with some guy who isn’t part of my future. The same for him. The one person we confide in above all others is each other. (not counting God, of course)

    Maybe everyone doesn’t need that extreme of measures, but if you really want to have a future with someone, why even risk jeopardizing it? Make them your best friend.

  6. Project Inspired

    Posted by Haleybugg98 on October 23, 2013 at 18:29

    Ohmygosh, This is like so my relationship in a nutshell.
    My boyfriend has a female bestfriend and i dont want to be jealous for so many reasons. For one shes my friend, hes my boyfriend and they were friends long before me an him got together. Sometimes I’M feel like im intruding on my own relationship. And he talks to her about our relationship problems before he talk to me.

  7. zebragirl123

    Posted by zebragirl123 on October 18, 2013 at 17:34

    The same thing is happening to me exept that i am not dating him!!!!!!!!!!!!!!He is not dating anyone but he likes me.Also he hangs around other girls and it makes me jelous.

  8. Barbaramartinsz

    Posted by Barbaramartinsz on September 14, 2013 at 14:48

    I am in this situation right now, but I am the one with “that friend.” It is hard because I feel like I cant just stop being friends with him, but my boyfriend doesnt really like our friendship…. I honestly dont even know what to do. I dont think I am in a position to ask him to be friends with my friend, but I also dont think it is right of him to ask me not to be friends with him. If he truly loves me, and he is the one, shouldnt he try to make things work?

    • chicken_chick

      Posted by chicken_chick on November 12, 2013 at 13:48

      I hate to say this, because it sounds terrible, but you need to decide which one means more to you. The one you chose to date or the one you chose as your friend? It’s not fair to your bf for you to have a guy friend that’s more important than him, or that gets more of your attention, since you’ve currently chosen him to be the man in your life.

  9. Busygirl996

    Posted by Busygirl996 on September 14, 2013 at 11:22

    I’m the guys best friend in this scenario, the thing is his girlfriend has been one of my best friends since elementary school… it can be hard being best friends with both because they both come to me for advice about each other and I have to remind myself that I need to stay unbiased, I don’t want them breaking up, I don’t want either of them to get hurt, but I have to remember that their happiness is what’s important, and that if they do eventually break up I’ll have to be there for them both and not take sides. It’s not always easy being the best friend either.. but it’s worth it 🙂

  10. alinefvang

    Posted by alinefvang on September 6, 2013 at 10:03

    omg. this really was just an eye-opener. thank you for this advice Aysha ! (: i know it will be difficult, but what should it matter ? my boyfriend loves me, i trust him, he trusts me. & most importantly, he’s a man of God. point is, i should be seeing the blessing behind this, & take every opportunity as a job of ministry (: