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“Help! My Boyfriend Is Talking About Marriage and Kids and It Scares Me!”

I am so confused. I need an answer, please! My dad has always told me to pray for my husband, and so ever since I was seven years old, I began praying for him. I am currently in a relationship and I just feel like the scum of the earth right now. My bf and I are Christian and we both love and fear the Lord. But I feel like I “need” to be with him, almost trapped, like if I’m actually MARRIED to him. He has his good qualities, but he also has his bad ones, and I feel like his bad qualities sometimes outweigh the good ones (I won’t go into detail). But he is the type that loves passionately and likes to give 1,000%, and honestly, that SCARES me! He talks about marriage, kids and how he is saving up, and I just stay frozen. I’m not going to lie, but there was a time (just recently) where I wanted that, too, but now it scares me. To make matters WORSE, I think I’m starting to find another guy attractive! I would never, EVER cheat on my bf, but I feel like I am in a way. No matter how hard I keep my mind busy, my thoughts always jump back to HIM. He is very cocky and likes to portray this confidence, but I see beyond that. I used to have a crush on him when I was younger, but he always teased me and I see how to THIS day he treats everyone nicer than he does to me and it bugs me. My boyfriend didn’t grow up in a family where everyone hugs and kisses and is just family; he grew up in a non-family-oriented home and it affects him. I get scared because I don’t want him rejecting any possible kids in our future. The other guy, on the other hand, has almost everything on my Future Husband list from what I can tell so far. I am just so confused and angry at myself … help!

Oh girl! I can imagine that this is a really difficult time for you. But it’s one that’s truly understandable.

From what I’ve read, it seems as if your bf is a devoted Christian who loves you and God deeply. He sees you as his future wife and the mother of his children. So his intentions are pure and godly. Plus he’s saving, so he’s responsible. He’s committed. You? Not so much, right?

Then there’s the guy you’re crushing on. The “cocky” guy who doesn’t treat you as well as you’d like. Hmmm.

Now, I can’t compare the guys because I don’t know them. You say your crush is everything on your list, but what about your boyfriend? What is missing? He doesn’t hug and kiss a lot? He isn’t family-oriented? You did say he talks about kids, so he obviously wants them and wants a family. Maybe the fact that he didn’t have much of a family life has instilled a desire within him to have one. Maybe he doesn’t know how to be affectionate because he never grew up that way, so that nurturing aspect would come from you.

Hey, I’m not pushing you to be with one guy over the other. Like I wrote before, I don’t know them. But don’t feel so comfortable in your current relationship that you’re bored and looking for excitement. Assuming your boyfriend doesn’t physically and emotionally abuse you, and he’s not using you, then I can’t imagine why you wouldn’t pick him over your crush.

Sometimes we’re blinded by truth when it’s right in front of us. The grass always seems greener on the other side, right? It may very well be that this is the right guy for you. But maybe the idea that you’ve already found that guy scares you. You may be secretly asking yourself if “this is it.” Once you’ve picked, you’re done for life and that just may be a commitment you’re not ready to accept.

The fact that you have a crush on another boy could be an indication of this fear. Or it could be an indication that you’re just not ready to commit to a relationship right now. Either way, I do think that you need to take some time to evaluate your situation and decide in which direction you want to go. After all, this is the rest of your life you’re dealing with.

So here’s what I think you should do:

  1. Take time away to allow yourself the space to decide if your bf really is the guy for you. If he’s not, the sooner you free him, the better. It’s not fair to leave the guy hanging on if you don’t want to be with him. And if he is the one, well, it’s good to know for sure so that you actually appreciate what you have.
  2. Be honest with him. He deserves to know what’s going on with you, especially if he’s devoting his life to you already. I’m not sure you should tell him about your crush, though. That would cause unnecessary hurt.
  3. Talk to your father. You seem close to him, so ask him what he thinks. If anyone knows the true intentions of a man, or can recognize a good man, it’s your father. Tell him what you’re thinking and find out his objective view.
  4. Pray. I know that you’ve been praying for a husband, but now you have to pray that he’s “The One.”
  5. Don’t rush your decision. This is your future. This is the guy you’re planning on spending the rest of your life with.

Good luck and God bless!

Need some advice? Ask your relationship questions in the Ask Olivia Girl Talk forum or in the comments below and I might answer them in a future article!

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