How to Deal with Your Frenemy!

    So, you’ve recently concluded that your friend is showing the telltale signs of actually being a frenemy.

    What’s the best way to deal with this person?

    Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.” Ephesians 4:32

    The Bible says to love your enemy even if she seems unlovable at times. Showing kindness and empathy toward people who are mean to you is a tough responsibility, but keep in mind that people who mistreat others are often hurting in some ways themselves. Unfortunately they don’t know how to properly resolve their own issues and end up taking their problems out on other people.

    The good news is that God may be using you as a role model to help her develop into a better person! Continue to be kind and loving toward your frenemy because you never know what’s going on inside of her. Your kindness may actually help bring her closer to God. So, don’t make your frenemy an outcast by gossiping or spreading rumors about her in revenge. God will deal with her heart in His own way and in His own time.

    Remember, loving your frenemy doesn’t mean allowing her to constantly hurt you. You can love her without condoning her behavior. Being cordial and friendly doesn’t necessarily mean spending a lot of time with her. You can say hello in the hallways without inviting her over after school. Share a funny joke with her but reconsider pouring out your deepest secrets.

    Learn to be kind while drawing limits. It’s not okay for anyone to mistreat you. God’s desire is for you to be healthy and happy so surround yourself with positive people who are truly worthy of your friendship.

    Unfortunately, at some point in our lives we will encounter fremenies, because girls can be catty often. Even right now, believe it or not, I have some ‘frenemies.’ Some are girls that I was once friends with, but I no longer associate with  because they have either talked bad about me behind my back, or mocked my Christian belief. I definitely don’t choose to hang out with them, but I’m not mean to them either.

    Remember- you are above her petty gossip, and the reason she might be mean to you is because she’s jealous of you! Take the higher road and don’t associate with her anymore- you’ll be happy you did so, I promise! What are some things your frenemy is doing now to hurt you? I might be able to help! -Nicole

    Aysha Ives
    Aysha Ives loves God with her whole heart and has a desire to help hurting people. With a Masters Degree in Psychology, she combines her education and experience with her love for God to help people live whole and fulfilled lives. Aysha is an Author, Mental Health Provider, Youth Church Teacher, and the mother of one gifted little boy whom she absolutely adores. Aysha is honored to be able to share her love of God with Project Inspired readers. Aysha is also the author of God Cares About Your Stuff: How To Believe For Tomorrow When Things Look Utterly, Completely, And Totally Impossible Today, released February 2013- Available at Amazon.


    1. I have a friend/accuaintence like that. I had her over my house a couple times, and hung out with her at the park once or twice. But then one day she called me a name for no reason. I was really hurt, but I told her I forgive her. Now we just say hi to each other once in awhile, but I don’t text her anymore, and I don’t talk to her much either. It’s just better that way. And I feel better too.

      • Hi Alicia- You are so better off that you are weeding her out of your friends circle. It sounds like she doesn’t have your best interests at heart. So good for you that you did that! 🙂

    2. One my friends is just like this. It started when I had my first boyfriend and when she met him and they became friends, she would always cling to him. When I confronted her about it, she said, “Well, he’s *my* friend.” I wasn’t too upset then, partly because I really didn’t understand and partly because I wasn’t too close with this boy (dating-wise). But, as time went on, I found that she would do that with every boy I dated afterwards.

      And she loves to criticize people; especially their clothing. THe one that bugged me the most is when she told her “best friend” in the locker room,who has self-image issues about how skinny she is, that she, “shouldn’t wear skinny jeans because they’re supposed to make fat people look skinny.” Whether she thought about it or not, the rest of the girls we were with wear skinny jeans often.

      When I confided in a few close friends my feelings, they shared similar stories. But none of us know what to do, that will actually, work without hurting her. And no mater how hard we (lovingly) try, nothing will break the ties.

      • Addy- you need to talk to this girl one on-one, and tell her to stop saying these hurtful things to people. Tell her people are going around saying she’s rude, and that she needs to be a kind person. Tell her karma works- and that if she’s a negative person saying mean things, only mean things will be said about her. It’s so true too. And slowly weed her out of your social circle, don’t invite her to movies, do things one-on-one with your other friends, etc. Hope this helps, let me know how it goes! God Bless. 🙂

    3. I’m having a problem similar to this. I started going to a new school this year, and after a couple of months I became BESTfriends with this girl that has classes with me. She’s a lot of fun, but after a while I realized how rude, selfish, and hurtful she can be. Nothing is ever her fault, she always blames it on other people. I just take the blame most of the time b/c I don’t want her to get mad or stop liking me. I want to continue to be bestfriends, but I’m not sure how long I can take this! If I try to confront her she cops an attitude which makes me mad, but then the next time we hang out we have an awesome time.. it gets soo confusing! I don’t know what to do! I’m really beginning to resent her for it. I don’t know.. am I dramatizing this??

      • hey Hope- No you’re not dramatizing it at all. I had several friends like this in high school, and it took me to realize how toxic they were. I would talk to her one on one and say “Ashley, you are my best friend, I care about you so much and you’re amazing in these ways- but your hurtful comments you make don’t make me feel good. Can you make an effort to try and stop them? Imagine if they were said about you.” Let me know how it goes!

    4. I have a friend like that…we are good friends but I have been beginning to think she is a bad influence…and I don’t know what to do. She gets herself into situations that are almost impossible for her to get out of. I don’t want to tell her we can’t be friends. But then again I don’t want to be influenced by her. She has hurt me a lot, I forgive her every time. But…I just don’t know anymore.

      • Hey Brittney- I know it may be hard, but distance yourself from her slowly over time- and never give in to the bad choices she makes. If you hang out with her 2 times a week, only hang out with her once. Friends like her are toxic, and you don’t need to associate with people that bring you down. Do yourself a favor and don’t let her behavior ever influence you!

    5. I’m glad this helps Tea Sally. Remember, it’s okay to be cordial to your “frenemy” while still setting appropriate boundaries. You deserve to be treated with kindness! Therefore your inner friendship circle should only consist of people who respect and love you! All the best =)

    6. I have a friend like that now, and she’s coming to my birthday party! I’m afraid of it becoming a war zone. I suspect she’s acting this way because one of her old friends and I were really close for a while, and then she left me and returned to her…for no reason. I think she’s trying to get revenge. I didn’t do anything wrong though! She left her old friend out in the first place, but I don’t retaliate when she’s mean or anything. I want to show her Jesus’ love through my actions. But, it hurts when she is mean. And since I don’t retaliate, she keeps being mean until I walk away or something…I’m not totally sure what I should be doing. I want to show her that I still love her, even if she’s mean to me, but she takes that as I don’t care what she does and that she can keep doing it…

      • Hey Shelby- can you still show her love without hanging out with her as much? I don’t think she’s a good influence and if you have any doubts at all if she’s a frenemy, she probably is. Keep your distance!

    7. I’m in a bit of a difficult situation right now: my friend (who’s a dude) picks on everyone, but it’s good natured, and I’ve been teasing him back in a friendly way. We both know the other is kidding. But lately he’s been picking on me a lot about the guy I have a crush on, and the other day he saw a picture of me from last year and was saying some not-so-nice things about it that really bugged me. I kind of have an idea of what to do next time this happens, but how can I deal with this?

      • Rachel- you need to take the high road, and tell him honestly that it’s starting to really bug you that he’s doing this. Ask him how he would feel if you constantly picked on him? Tell him seriously, that if he keeps up with it you need to get some space away from him for a while until he matures. That will wake him up, I promise!

    8. This was written a long time ago, but one of my frienemy’s called me chunky, and I feel really bad about my weight, and they are always hangin out with a really skinny girl and they talk about me behind my back…What can i do?

      • Get rid of this toxic friend NOW!! You don’t need her hanging around you just so she can put you down. I promise you’ll be 10x better off without her! And ignore her stupid comments, she isn’t perfect and I’m sure their are flaws you could point out to her! (But don’t tell them to her of course. You don’t want to stoop down to her level.)

    9. I have a frenemy who lately has been blaming me for everything one day i let he borrow my uno Cards (she’s obbssessed with them) one day i decided to take them back and this morning she got Angry @ me and started blaming me for everything and then my sister started reading and she wrote some quotable stuff and now shes blaming ME! what sohuld i so

      • She really doesn’t seem like a real friend. Tell her to buy her own cards! they’re really inexpensive too. Also, tell her you won’t let her borrow your things anymore since she doesn’t have respect for your boundaries.

    10. I have this one frenemy. She’s constantly ignoring me, lying to me, and everythign always has to be about her. But if no one whose more important than me (to her), she can be alot of fun. She acts like she hates or i senimies with her best friend, becuase I know that that girl isnt very nice, and has been mean to my firends and i. I would just drop her, but shes also my cousin! Advice please? Oh, and we have this other friend who’s a really sweet girl, who thinks of my cuz, as her best friend, when she ignores and probably lies to her too.

    11. I have a frenemy who is constantly ignorign me lying to me amking it all about her adn actign like she dislikes-but-is-tolerating this one girl becuase i dont like her for some of the things she’s done, when they’re obviously best friends. when no oen more important than me (to her) is around, she’s tons of fun.I would totally drop her, but she’s also my cousin! thanksgiving christmas easter fmily gets togethers etc! oh and this one friend of both of ours, who is a really nice girl, considers her her best friend, when acts like that to her too, exept MAYBE lying. advice please?

    12. There’s a young girl in my church who likes kidding me. She’s always gossiping about me or my family, but she doesn’t even know me! The bad thing is that when she talks to me, she’s always kind and tender, but when she gets the chance to talk about me to other people she became bad and start insulting me!
      I’m really tired about it but I always try to be kind, to greet her if I see her in the hallway.. and the situation is always the same. I don’t know what to do.

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