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“I Think I’ve Found ‘The One.’ Is It Okay to Move in Together?”

I’m pretty sure that the guy I’m with now is The One. I’ve been with him for a year. And when I graduate high school, he wants to marry me. The question I have is…is it okay to move in with him before we get married to get all the jitters and butterflies out of the way or should I wait until after I marry him?

Hey girl! This is such a great question and I thank you for trusting me with the answer.

Living together before marriage has become such a norm in our culture today that hardly anyone blinks an eyelid when considering it. But that’s the worldly way of proceeding in a relationship and certainly not the right way.

I understand that you feel he’s “The One” and you’re going to live together eventually, so why not now? But even if all goes according to plan, it still wouldn’t have been God’s way. And don’t you want to do it His way?

You write that living together before marriage will “get all the jitters and butterflies out of the way.” But you’re supposed to get the jitters and butterflies! It comes with getting married and beginning a life together. It’s part of the fun and the transition into marriage, and it’s a great feeling worth waiting for.

You see, my concerns with cohabitation are these:

  1. People who live together before marriage tend to have premarital sex. I know, you probably don’t plan on that, but it’s more likely to happen when two people who are attracted to each other live together. You’re there together at night, getting cozy on a couch, blah, blah, blah…need I say more?
  2. Couples who cohabit often delay marriage. They feel like they’re already living together, so what more could marriage offer except a more solid commitment? And after living together and maybe experiencing some of the realities that come with sharing a home, some individuals have a harder time following through with the marriage step.
  3. Silly arguments about toothpaste in the sink may lead to a breakup. Really!
  4. And what if you two do break up? I know, I know…you’re not going to break up. But what if you do? There’s the whole messy scenario of having to pack up and leave. And go where? Living together complicates everything. And a breakup after living together would be so much harder to deal with than if you were just courting.

What you need to know about someone can be realized outside of living together, and bad habits that are hidden during date nights are usually not worth divorcing over. So don’t assume that you can figure out what a person is really like by living with him. A person is kind and considerate all the time. He’s clean all the time. He’s helpful, hardworking and responsible all the time. If you don’t learn these things about a person outside of living with him, then you’re not learning about him.

So, here’s what I think you should do:

  1. Be sure that he’s The One! I’m guessing you’re in the courting stage of your relationship. You’re “pretty sure” he’s The One, so turn that “pretty sure” into a “sure” and get to know your beau as well as you can. And let him get to know you. Share your likes and dislikes, wishes, dreams and how you see your future together. How many children are you planning to have? Are you both going to work? And so on. All of these questions should be discussed now. And having conversations now will open up those lines of communication needed in a marriage.
  2. Meet with your priest or pastor. No, not to discuss the wedding date, but to have some guidance in your discussions. He will give you a rounded idea of what a Christian marriage is all about. And this will prepare you so much more than living together will.
  3. Pray for God’s guidance. And pray for patience. If you want to enter a Christian marriage, then pray that you really have found The One and that the two of you enter into it with dignity, patience and composure.
  4. Read your Bible. There’s so much written in the New Testament about Christian marriage. And this should guide you and your beau during your courtship.

Good luck and God bless!

Need some advice? Ask your relationship questions in the Ask Olivia Girl Talk forum or in the comments below and I might answer them in a future article!

Image: Lightstock | Prixel Creative

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30 Comments

  1. Justilean

    Posted by Justilean on June 3, 2015 at 08:20

    I moved in with my husband about three months before the wedding and after being engaged for over six months. The reason was I moved an hour and a half away in October for school, and at the end of his semester at his old college he moved in with me (and loves his new school), and then in March we got married. So for about 3 months I was the “lost girl” at church for living with my fiance when financially and for every other reason it made the most sense.

  2. AidylJune

    Posted by AidylJune on June 2, 2015 at 16:30

    The problem with living together before marriage is that you plant a seed of doubt in your relationship. You’re essentially telling your partner, “I’m not sure if we will work together, so let’s try it out before the big commitment.”
    Don’t start a relationship of doubt… Make the jittery leap of faith to say “Yes. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. When we have arguments we will figure them out and stay strong.” Start a relationship of faith and undying trust!

  3. QueenFemminist97

    Posted by QueenFemminist97 on April 23, 2015 at 10:42

    I completely disagree with this article. I can’t even wrap my head around this. Living together before marriage is no sin, and it’s one of the best things for your future marriage.

    You say “Breaking up over toothpaste on the sink”, best to learn these habits now and adapt to them before you become married. Fighting over that while in a relationship compared to in a marriage can save a lot of heartache.

    Living together will allow couples to get used to one another and create a routine together.

  4. Project Inspired

    Posted by Surrealist on March 16, 2015 at 21:55

    I have sort of the same feeling when it comes to my bf and I… My thought about living together is that I feel you really have to surrender everything to someone when you get married. Your snoring, messy habits, picky preferences… I feel like in today’s society people are very unwilling to do that and I want to be sure we are compatible on every levels and, if not, we work out the parts of us that are incompatible.
    My question is, is there Biblical evidence to support moving in or not moving in together?
    I feel like marriage in biblical times was done in a much different and quicker way and that engagements and courting did not take as long and that may be why they didn’t follow with steps such as moving in together. There are several places in the Bible where men choose their wives and though they did have real love, because love comes from God and is a choice, the courting was still Christian but not as extensive as we modern Christians often say it should be.

    • Kelly1897

      Posted by Kelly1897 on August 3, 2015 at 12:26

      Gen. 2:24 “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and shall become united and cleave to his wife, and the shall become on flesh.” In biblical times, the man and woman lived with their parents until they were married. After the marriage the couple would move in together. Not before. Hope this helps. 🙂

  5. Busygirl996

    Posted by Busygirl996 on March 15, 2015 at 22:57

    My best friend is getting married in August. We are both seniors in high school and she’s been dating her now fiance since 7th grade. They’ve lived together off an on for awhile, him moving in and out because of his family situation. Shes only been a Christian for a year and a half, a fraction of the time she’s been with her fiance so its hard to bring the subject up. Her family also doesn’t have strong Christian views like mine does which again makes it difficult. I’ve been trying to figure out how to talk to her and have been thinking about showing her this article as part of it but I’m still clueless as to how to do it. Any advice?

  6. aislinnc99

    Posted by aislinnc99 on March 15, 2015 at 18:19

    On being sure he’s The One and having discussions about your future together, etc: how young can/should you have those conversations? Is it okay to talk about getting married and all those things in the middle of high school (my boyfriend and I are 16)?

  7. hopenhack

    Posted by hopenhack on January 9, 2015 at 12:50

    I just don’t understand how anyone can know that they have found “the one” while they are 17, 18, or 19 years old. Should you really think that the first guy you meet that gives you attention, makes you feel special, and says ‘I love you’, is really ‘the one’?? I just think there is a whole lot more maturity needed to understand that kind of decision and that kind of commitment to someone that is impossible to have as a teenager. I understand, people have made it work before. But 9 out of 10 times it probably doesn’t work. I think prayer is the best way to handle any of these situations.

    • Leftie

      Posted by Leftie on June 11, 2017 at 14:04

      In biblical times, 17, 18, 19 would be old to get married. Read your bible and come back. We will wait.

    • Busygirl996

      Posted by Busygirl996 on March 15, 2015 at 23:09

      My brother and his wife of almost 6 months started dating his sophomore, her junior year of high school. When they got married he was 19 and she was 21. In the end it wasn’t their age but their maturity, both personally and in their relationship that counted. Plus it depends on whether you meet the right person for you at that age or not. I’m 18 and no where near marriage, my longest relationship lasted 2 1/2 months and that was two years ago. On top of that I have a friend who’s 29 and I have no doubt he’s going to marry an amazing woman and have kids one day, but he didn’t become a Christian until after he delt with some pretty serious stuff in college. It really just depends on the people 🙂 personally I’m with you I don’t know how someone could know at 16-18 years old, in fact my last boyfriend who was 17 at the time (I was barely 16) told me 2 months in he wanted to marry me and it scared me. But I also know that had I met the person who I’m supposed to marry at that age my feelings probably would have been different. I’m just not meant to marry at 19 like my brother 🙂

    • Project Inspired

      Posted by danielle0709 on March 15, 2015 at 09:40

      Hello hopenhack, my name is Danielle and I am currently 24years old. I met my husband when I was 16, a junior in high school. I had had one other serious relationship before him and I was his first relationship ever. We found each other and started dating, through out highschool we got closer to God every day and knew we were forever. We both loved at home until we though the time was right. We got engaged at 19 almost 20 and we waited that long because we wanted to be able to financially take care of ourselves. We spent the next year getting a budgeted wedding together and finding a house. We purchased our first house a month before our wedding and my then fiancé moved in to prepare the house for us. We got married 3 and a half years ago and we have definitely had struggls and heart ache but we both have a god focused relationship and life. Please don’t judge people who find their other half when they are “young”. On the opposite of this my parents found each other later in life and got married at 30. They are now divorced and unhappy. :-/ age shouldn’t matter.

  8. winona_harvey

    Posted by winona_harvey on January 8, 2015 at 14:02

    So I think I’ve found “the one”.. Ok let’s rephrase that.. I know I’ve found “the one” and he’s everything I’ve prayed for. We met on Facebook and started talking a lot.. It was first a friendship and we talked about God all the time, and we still do. Problem is he lives in MA and I live in ME. Its like a 4 and a 1/2 hour drive. He came to Maine and we spent the weekend together. We did kiss, and after he left for Massachusetts he said he felt like we’ve rushed things. So we decided to take it slow. We wanna get to know each other as well as make sure its what God wants and not just what we want. He is 22 and I’m 18. I still need to graduate but he thinks it would be good for me to move to MA so we can get to know each other. He thinks it would be important for me to establish some independence as well. If I moved down their I’d stay with him (we are only friends right now) until I found a place. And when we started courting I obviously couldn’t live with him. Any advice? I have a lot IG Christian friends telling me its a good idea. I need more advice. Haha

    • hopenhack

      Posted by hopenhack on January 9, 2015 at 12:53

      Do you really “know you have found ‘the one'” by a Facebook relationship? People can be anyone they want online and even for a few hours/days when they visit… Be careful. Don’t move far away from those that love you for something that might not be real. Especially since you haven’t even graduated yet… Try praying a lot about it!

      • winona_harvey

        Posted by winona_harvey on January 10, 2015 at 19:02

        I think you overall know when the holy spirit speaks to you. I’ve known for over a year that God didn’t want me in a relationship till after I was 18. That discouraged me but I yeilded myself to The Lord cause I knew that’s what he wanted from me. And while I was waiting I got a sense peace thinking that God would bring the person I’m supposed to spend the rest of my life with shortly after I turned 18. I met him not even a month after my birthday. I set the standard so high that I thought I guy like that didn’t even exist. And guess what; he exceeds my standards by a lot. So already I feel like this is who God has for my future. We are still getting to know each other and it will probably be several months before we are in a relationship. We realized we rushed things and want to take the time to get to know one another instead of diving head first into it. We both are praying a lot about it, but even still I feel God telling me this is it.

  9. Meesha

    Posted by Meesha on October 27, 2014 at 23:10

    I’ve done this in the past, and it is not ideally God’s way. My experiences did NOT turn out well. A lot of others that I know who have done this have not had things work out for the best, either. There are some situations where it may work; but if you are not married 1st, God doesn’t approve of it.

  10. May All Your Bacon Burn

    Posted by May All Your Bacon Burn on October 22, 2014 at 21:58

    I think there are some situations where it is okay. For example, my mum’s boyfriend moved in over the summer, because his house was foreclosed on and if he got an apartment too far away he wouldn’t be able to see his son every other weekend (long story short: four years ago his wife lied about paying the house payment out of spite. This went on for three months before they divorced, the bank told him shortly after that the house would be foreclosed on, and it was on his head since he got the house in the divorce. It took them this long to finish everything). Since he wouldn’t have anywhere else to go unless he moved farther away to get an apartment, I feel like it was an understandable reason. Meanwhile, there are other situations as well, such as those already mentioned below and several others.

    Overall, I do agree that, on a general basis, you ought to wait to move in together.

  11. Project Inspired

    Posted by bookworm24 on October 14, 2014 at 23:13

    To be honest I moved in with my husband before we were married and I didn’t care what my church thought. I was abused by my parents, and we already were going to get married. My pastor completely understand. Yes sex happened, but it all worked out well.

  12. alimarie

    Posted by alimarie on October 11, 2014 at 10:15

    Okay, if you do two end up breaking up, at least you would realize it BEFORE you went into marriage. Sure, it would still be messy, dealing with an apartment and such, but it would be much better to find out you’re not compatible with someone before hand. Couples who live together before marriage have a lower change of getting divorce, and at the same time, couples who wait to have sex until married also have a lower divorce rate. I truly believe that you can love with someone, before you get married, and not have sex. I believe if you sit down and really talk about it before, and maybe set a few boundaries (like no close cuddles after 9 or something along those lines) as a safety net, you’ll be just fine. Just keep in mind 1 Corinthians 10:13 No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; He will not let you be temped beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.

  13. McKayla Denise

    Posted by McKayla Denise on October 10, 2014 at 20:07

    I don’t thinks it’s bad to move in once you are engaged and here’s why. You two might not be capable of living together. Sometimes living with someone just DOES NOT work. Now, would you rather find out that you two aren’t compatible before or after your married?

    • mnkowgirl

      Posted by mnkowgirl on December 2, 2014 at 10:56

      If God created you for each other then you are compatible and you don’t need to live with that person to find that out. If you aren’t compatible then there will be other areas in your relationship where it is obvious and you should pay attention to that. The majority of couples that live together never get married and it’s all really ugly when they break up. Not only that but it’s not what God wants for us. So if we want the most out of our relationships, we should do it God’s way. My parents were both pure on their wedding night and they never lived with each other prior to being married. They have a very strong marriage because they followed God. I want my marriage to be like that someday. Don’t you?

      • Leftie

        Posted by Leftie on June 11, 2017 at 14:09

        Your parents had a strong marriage due to a large dose of good luck.

    • Project Inspired

      Posted by bookworm24 on October 14, 2014 at 23:19

      I agree to a certain degree. When I moved in with my now husband we found out alot of things that we wouldn’t have otherwise that made it easier. Then again we had a kid before, so convention went out the window for the sake of us and our daughter.

    • Project Inspired

      Posted by Precioustime22 on October 11, 2014 at 08:44

      You don’t have to live with someone to find if you’re compatible. I don’t have to live with my best friend to tell we understand each other, we have the same beliefs and that we’re good friends. We just spend time together and know each other really well. The same goes with marriage. (Considering you should be good friends with the person you marry.) You just have to make sure your beliefs and morals are aligned and you discussed important issues before you are married. And that you know other really well. 🙂

  14. Project Inspired

    Posted by Skipp20 on October 10, 2014 at 17:38

    A situation in my life has really gotten me confused on this cohabiting issue. My boyfriend and I have been together for years and we and all our friends and relatives know we will get married one day. We love each other very much and want to spend every day together. Problem is, we have to finish college and become totally financially independent to get married. And we’re not allowed to cohabit. And our schedules don’t leave us much time together…it’s very frustrating.

    Now my boyfriend’s brother WAS allowed to cohabit (his parents even paid for an apartment for them) because he got his girlfriend pregnant. And though they couldn’t support themselves, they were allowed-or strongly “encouraged”- to get married, for the baby’s sake, even though it was known that he had cheated on this girl multiple times and that she had never loved him. They hardly speak to one another, are almost always in separate rooms, and everyone believes that when she gets the chance, she’ll take the baby and run.

    I know that theirs is not what a biblical marriage is supposed to be, but in my Christian community it’s now considered acceptable for them to live together. But it’d be wrong for my boyfriend and me, who are actually in love and committed, to cohabit, because we don’t have a piece of paper saying we’re married. How does that make any sense?? I would really appreciate any thoughts on this issue!

    • Project Inspired

      Posted by Precioustime22 on October 11, 2014 at 09:26

      I think your Christian community is concerned about the child living in a stable home. Marriage is more of a commitment than living with someone and will provide a more stable home than if the couple isn’t. If the guy has been cheating on his girlfriend, it is unlikely that it would change once they got married. I understand what your coming from that it doesn’t seem to be a healthy relationship, but I think your community is mostly concerned for the child and that’s why they want the couple to marry.

      Cohabitation is wrong no matter what. It doesn’t matter if you love the person or trying it to test compatibility or using it as a trial marriage, it is wrong. The situation above is trying to justify marriage, not cohabitation. (which I do not necessarily agree or disagree with because it is a tough situation.) You may truly love your boyfriend, however, you don’t have to live together to prove it. I know that living together might seem financially wise because your saving on living costs, but it can have such a negative impact on your relationship (Look up the statistics). The people that are guiding you from cohabiting understand all the risks and heartbreak that comes with it. You don’t have to live with someone to get to know them, and being apart from them shouldn’t make it weaker but strengthen it. Don’t settle for cohabiting now. Living together won’t answer all your problems. God will bring you two together if it’s meant to be.
      Here is bible verse that discusses living together. 1 Corinthians 6:18-20

  15. jesslt

    Posted by jesslt on October 10, 2014 at 07:59

    Thank you Olivia for speaking the truth in love to our generation about these things. 🙂

  16. Sydney_Andrews

    Posted by Sydney_Andrews on October 10, 2014 at 07:27

    My parents would have a cow if I ever decided to move in with somebody before we got married. Not that I really plan on it, but still.

  17. Project Inspired

    Posted by saraileft on October 9, 2014 at 20:56

    Great article

  18. Project Inspired

    Posted by Precioustime22 on October 9, 2014 at 19:10

    Don’t move in!!! I’m actually doing a project on cohabitation and there are sooo many negative side effects that come with living “Your True Love.” Let’s name a few:
    -Higher divorce rate
    – Higher infidelity rate
    -less satisfying relationship
    -Abuse has a bigger rate as well as mental instability, difficult living conditions for children out of wedlock AND drug and alcohol abuse. Assuming that you don’t want these risks not to mention STD’s from sleeping together. I don’t think you realize the impact of your decision to do this. I’m not making these statistics up. I’ve been doing research on non christian and christian websites. Plus I forgot to mention what the bible says about being unmarried with your partner.
    Along with murder and theft, fornication is listed as sinful. Murder and theft! That’s pretty serious. (Mark 7:20-23). Please, please, please reconsider your living arrangements. I can’t tell how important it is to reconsider your decision about this. But at least you asked instead of just doing it. That’s something to be proud of. 🙂

    Here’s another Bible passage 1 Corinthians 6:18-20. God Bless you girl! And may God’s helping hand rest upon you! 🙂