Is God Determining My Spouse?

    There is a narrative around Christian dating culture, which, while universally accepted, may not be true. As we discuss marriage and relationships, we often use terms such as “finding The One,” “meeting my soulmate” and—perhaps the most common—“You haven’t met anyone because God hasn’t brought him into your life yet.”

    Though these phrases seem like mere quips, they are theologically loaded. Each statement reveals an underlying assumption about who God is and how He interacts with mankind. Most Christian dating books and resources imply that God is determining not only WHO you will marry, but HOW and WHEN you meet them.

    In other spheres of life, we call this determinism. There are entire Christian worldviews that depend on this view of God, but many people don’t look at life through a deterministic lens. They believe God gives us freedom to choose from many options (for instance, jobs and college) and we must listen for His leading to make the best choice. But when it comes to relationships, people who would otherwise disagree with God dictating the who, what and where of our choices become what I call “dating determinists.”

    There are a few problems with this worldview. First is the problem of soulmates. Nowhere in Scripture is the term “soulmate” found, because it is derived from a Greek text by the philosopher Plato, NOT from the Bible. In Plato’s Symposium, the playwright Aristophanes claims that at the beginning of time, all humans were double-bodied. Because they tried to ascend to Mount Olympus, the gods split the human pairs in half. To this day—Aristophanes claimed—humans spend their days looking for their “other half” to be made whole and complete.

    The sad thing about this story is how many Christians believe this is a biblical concept! Instead of basing our view of marriage on Greek mythology, let’s look at what the Bible gives as an example.


    The Genesis Argument

    Some people argue that because God put only Adam and Eve in the garden at the beginning of time, He has automatically determined spouses for everyone since. This view is problematic for a few reasons. First, Adam and Eve were the very first couple in the entire world; it makes sense for God to create only one option for one another. But even in the Garden, Adam and Eve were given the freedom of choice. They could choose obedience to God, or choose rebellion and separation from God. They chose rebellion.


    Warnings Against Unequal Yoking

    Centuries after this, we begin to see God warning against intermarriage with other people groups. Because of the rebellion brought into the world by Adam, God’s children—promised and born through Abraham—were warned against intermarriage with people who did not serve God. The fact that God WARNS against being unequally yoked indicates it is possible to make a wrong choice in who we marry.

    Warnings against unequal yoking occur in Exodus 34:16, Deuteronomy 7:3, Joshua 23:12, 1 Kings 11:2 and Ezra 9:12, just to name a few. Those who rejected this warning saw the consequences play out in heartbreaking circumstances (e.g., Solomon in 1 Kings). This is not the first warning about unequal yoking; later we see the apostle Paul warn against it in 2 Corinthians 6:14.

    But here’s where it gets interesting. In 1 Corinthians 7:14-16, Paul gives instructions for the unmarried, the married and the married to unbelievers. He tells them to remain married to their spouses unless the unbelieving spouse chooses to leave. If God determines one’s spouse, but God also explicitly instructs us not to marry unbelievers, what do we do with the people who marry unbelievers? It would seem that God planned for them to disobey His instructions, but we know God does not lead any of us into sin or foolishness (James 1:13).

    This is why the “soulmate” argument is theologically inconsistent, and it makes God out to be a hypocrite.


    If God Does Not Determine My Spouse, Who Does?

    The answer here is revealed, I think, in Genesis 24. In this passage, Abraham sends a servant to find a wife for his son Isaac. The wife must be a believer, and Abraham knows this. So he gives specific instructions for the kind of woman the servant must find for Isaac. God blesses this mission and the servant’s prayer to find a woman worthy of his master’s son.

    In Proverbs 18:22 it says, “he who finds a wife finds a good thing.” God gives us freedom to make good and bad choices. He also gives us wisdom to make the best choice possible. He is not determining who you will marry, but He IS going to bring you many different possibilities. You get to choose from those possibilities by walking in the Spirit, listening to Him and trusting His wisdom.

    It is possible for God to be completely sovereign and all-knowing without being all-controlling. From the beginning He gave us the chance to choose Him and His way, or to choose unwisely. When it comes to your spouse and future marriage, your trust should be in God Himself and your daily journey with Him. This means being open to all the options He brings across your path, being willing to take action with His wisdom and being willing to change where necessary.

    My husband and I could have married different people. We could have honored God in those marriages. But this marriage has changed us into people who can glorify God in a specific way. God allowed us a choice, and He made that choice beautiful. That’s the sovereign grace of a redeeming God.

    Phylicia Masonheimer
    Phylicia Masonheimer
    Phylicia Masonheimer is an author and speaker teaching women how to discern what is true, discuss the deep stuff, and accomplish God's will for their specific lives. She holds a B.S. in Religion from Liberty University, where she met her husband, Josh, and now lives in northern Michigan with her two daughters, Adeline and Geneva.


    1. Phylicia, I respectfully disagree with this post (and your other post on why things happen where I put some Bible verses in the comments). I do think that God determines and ordains everything that happens, and I wouldn’t want to be able to choose the course of my life because I know that my sinful heart would always choose what is wrong. Without getting into too much detail, I wanted to share with you the passage that I was thinking about the whole time I was reading this article.

      Romans 9:14-24

      “What shall we say then? Is there injustice on God’s part? By no means! For he says to Moses, “I will have mercy on whom I have mercy, and I will have compassion on whom I have compassion.” So then it depends not on human will or exertion, but on God, who has mercy. For the Scripture says to Pharaoh, “For this very purpose I have raised you up, that I might show my power in you, and that my name might be proclaimed in all the earth.” So then he has mercy on whomever he wills, and he hardens whomever he wills.

      You will say to me then, “Why does he still find fault? For who can resist his will?” But who are you, O man, to answer back to God? Will what is molded say to its molder, “Why have you made me like this?” Has the potter no right over the clay, to make out of the same lump one vessel for honorable use and another for dishonorable use? What if God, desiring to show his wrath and to make known his power, has endured with much patience vessels of wrath prepared for destruction, in order to make known the riches of his glory for vessels of mercy, which he has prepared beforehand for glory— even us whom he has called, not from the Jews only but also from the Gentiles?”

      • Hey Grace! Sounds like you are a Calvinist. That’s fine! I have many Calvinist friends. I, however, am not, as are many Christian brothers and sisters through the ages. There are other theological views of Scripture that allow for both God’s sovereignty and man’s free will. Remember, we should look at the whole of the Bible and God’s interaction with man and use that to look at Romans 9, as opposed to looking at Romans 9 and interpreting the entire bible through that (and a few other) passages. There isn’t room here to discuss Calvinism/determinism at length, but if you want a resource, my most recent podcast episode on Uniquely Woman will give you the alternative view.

    2. Another thing to think about as far as Christians or God’s people marrying unbelievers is the prophet Hosea. God called Hosea to go out and marry a prostitute. We can think of this as an exception or a unique circumstance but God used Hosea to show his own commitment and grace to the Israelites. That’s not to say that God will call someone to marry an unbeliever, especially considering all the warnings against it, but there is more to marriage than we often think about. Marriage is not simply about our happiness but about our holiness.

      • That last line is very true, Kate! As for Gomer and Hosea, the Hebrew does not actually refer to a prostitute (none of the Hebrew words for prostitute are used in the book) but she was a “wanton woman”. God definitely used that to teach Israel an important lesson about their sin, BUT Hosea was specifically instructed -as a prophet – to do so, as you said. So it wouldn’t be valid to cite Hosea as grounds for unequal yoking, should someone try to do so, unless they are a prophet of the Lord specifically fulfilling His divine call 🙂

    3. While I admit that you make many good points, one thing I’ve an issue with you saying is that God is not all-controlling. I think you mean here, “God is not all-CAUSING.” He gives us the means to act, and allows us to choose, although He knows what will happen in the end, and may warn us against a certain outcome of choice (which I’ve had personally happen to me). God is all-overseeing, and is, in a CERTAIN WAY, all-controlling– we know what will happen, roughly, in the end days, after all. And God is perfectly capable of hardening or softening hearts as fit to His Will and Plan. But He is not a dictatorial God, and we are not robots, clearly. I do agree that, if this is what you meant, that God does not cause every little thing to happen, and much of that causation is due to human choice and activity.

      But that’s just my two cents. 🙂

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