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I’ve Never Kissed a Guy or Dated. Am I Being Too Picky? Advice?

I’ve been struggling with being single in a world where my friends are dating in serious relationships, and I can’t seem to even find a guy with a mutual attraction. In high school I didn’t really care so much, but now that I’m in college it’s quite different. My roommate hooks up with guys she barely knows, and although I don’t want anything to do with that, I can’t help but feel alone. A lot of my friends are dating people that they already know they’re going to marry when they graduate in a few years, and a lot of my other friends are pairing off quickly. I’m left here like “wait a minute, where’s MY guy? Where’s MY prince charming?”

I’ve never been in a relationship before, I’ve never even kissed a guy before. I view dating and relationships as a serious commitment, especially in college, and I don’t want to just date anyone for the fun of it. My one standard that I refuse to compromise for is that I will only date a Godly, Christian man. That obviously narrows down my “selection” if you will, and because of that I’ve turned down other great guys. I don’t need a knight in shining armor, just a good guy wearing the full Armor of God. My roommate disagrees with my views and gets really frustrated with me and says things like, “if you would just get your first relationship out of the way already this wouldn’t be so hard for you”, among other things.

I try not to listen to her, and I try to remember that by “holding out” if you will, I am honoring God. I try to remember that He is in control and has a plan for my life, including the man He has for me, but it’s difficult. I find myself wondering constantly if my roommate is right. What if it’s my fault that I haven’t been in a relationship? What if I’m being too picky? I pray about this constantly, but I just don’t know what to do. I’m tired of people telling me that all will work out in God’s timing, because I’ve heard it a million times. Please, do you have any advice to help me with this?

Hey girl, I know what you mean. But it will all work out in God’s timing…lol. I’m sorry! I couldn’t resist. The thing is, though, it’s true.

Let’s cut to the chase. There’s no specific time-frame as to when you will find the guy that you would consider marrying. And isn’t that the reason one dates anyway?  So, you’re absolutely right to view dating as a serious commitment. It is!

You know, this is a prime example of being in the world without being worldly. You have amazing Christian values, but you’re looking around you and feeling as if you’re being left behind. Why? Because you haven’t found your future husband yet? Are you ready to settle down and get married? If not, then trust me, it’s a good thing you haven’t found your Godly man. You’re in college, so you should be focused on studying and having fun with your friends and strengthening your relationship with God.

And having not kissed someone is not something to be ashamed about. It’s something that should be commended. Unfortunately, in our culture -our world- you’ll likely be considered a prude or called something similar, but you know what? That’s okay.

Personally, I feel that such strength and commitment is often looked at with jealous eyes. Not many people are that strong. Especially in such a sexualized culture. I mean, to say, “Get the first relationship out the way,” is in itself such a callous way to look at relationships. As if they’re so meaningless and dispensable. It’s not your fault that you haven’t been in a relationship, it’s your decision. And being picky about who you share your time and life with is not a bad thing. This idea that you need to be paired up with someone, simply because those around you are, is a destructive one. In contrast, you have opted for a true commitment, and one that you know will lead somewhere. I say it’s awesome! And I will pray that you stay strong. It’s what God wanted for all of us, so how could you ever regret such a decision. Kudos to you!

One more thing! Life will present you with multiple situations in which you will be coaxed into the world, so you’re going to have to deal with people like your roommate all your life. Use this as part of the training in ignoring those who are trying to divert you, whether intentionally or unintentionally, away from your Christian values. Remain strong in your faith and never compromise your Christian values because you feel left out or lonely. In your haste, you may pick someone who will lead you away from the plan you and God have for yourself. In moments of darkness, God wants you to look to Him.

So, this is what I think you should do.

  1. Trust that the time is not right and learn to be okay with that. In order to relax about  this whole thing, you need to understand that it really is okay to be single. Learn to love it. There’s a cool post on PI titled, 5 Ways to Enjoy Being Single When All of Your Friends Have Boyfriends. Check it out after this.
  2. Remember the reasons why you chose certain Christian values, and love those reasons. Make them a part of who you are and don’t be ashamed. More people should wear their love and devotion to God with strength and confidence! You never know, maybe a new attitude will inspire your friends/roommate to be more selective about who they date and kiss also!
  3. If you feel alone, then find friends that you can hang out with. Not everyone is in a relationship and not everyone who is in a relationship wants to hang out with their boyfriend all the time. So, make friends with other singles, or arrange to do stuff with just your girlfriends.
  4. Don’t get lost in the world, where culture dictates your moves. Follow your faith. Trust in God. He has your back (1 Corinthians 10:13).
  5. Pray for strength. In moments of loneliness, call out to Him and He will comfort you and remind you of how amazing you are! Because you are:)

Good luck and God bless!

Need some advice? Ask your relationship questions in the Ask Olivia Girl Talk forum or in the comments below and I might answer them in a future article!

 

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37 Comments

  1. Project Inspired

    Posted by Lovie on September 19, 2017 at 04:44

    It’s amazing how this article was posted 3 years ago and I’m going through a similar situation. Though I’m not in university yet, I have a certain pressure around me to start dating but I’m so encouraged that there are others like me who have chosen to wait on God for the right time to day.

  2. jedai

    Posted by jedai on January 20, 2015 at 05:22

    You’re God’s princess, don’t feel discouraged! I’m the exact same- haven’t dated or kissed a boy… And I’m graduating university in a couple months! When I read this article it so gladdened my heart to know that there are others who are like me, and I commend your strength because surely it is not easy! I know this firsthand! Keep the faith! God has a spectacular man waiting for you. Focus on achieving God’s purpose for your life and someone with like-mind will fall in your path.

  3. Project Inspired

    Posted by Taylor2014Anne on January 19, 2015 at 21:19

    To the girl who wrote this article, I wanted to say that I am in the same boat as you are! I just started college in the fall and all of my friends are in relationships while I am not. I also have never been in a relationship or been kissed. In high school, I too, was not really in to the whole dating thing, but now that my friends are, it’s hard not to be curious. It’s hard being this old in a world that we live in today. We are so pressured by our peers and media it’s ridiculous! But I keep reminding myself that I will meet my husband some day, and if it’s God’s will that I stay single and never marry, I will be ok with that. But for now, I am focusing on my relationship with Christ instead of worrying about my relationship with a guy whose love for me could never compare to the love Christ has for me. I am so glad you reached out to the PI world asking for advice because I really needed to hear this! Also, one last thing, I LOVED the part where you said “I don’t need a knight in shining armor, just a good guy wearing the full Armor of God”. That is PERFECT!
    I will be praying for you!

  4. Project Inspired

    Posted by andriloveschrist on August 14, 2014 at 21:27

    Thank you so much for this article, it applies to me as well & my relationship with God is so big that I know my timing isn’t now:)

  5. Project Inspired

    Posted by RachelAbigail on August 1, 2014 at 10:30

    sometimes some of the biggest ways I’ve grown is God not giving me something I want! It sounds cruel, haha, but if it’s for the best, and makes you enjoy it even more when you finally do get it, I think it’s all good 🙂

  6. Project Inspired

    Posted by livelifeforgod on July 31, 2014 at 21:45

    What if no one has ever been really interested in you? Im 18 and no one has really showed interest in me at any point of my life. Why is that?

  7. Project Inspired

    Posted by MiniMessenger94 on July 31, 2014 at 09:09

    I’m in the same boat. Even though it’s hard for me to say, I’m glad that I’m single right now… it allows me to focus on God.

  8. Liz470

    Posted by Liz470 on July 31, 2014 at 08:15

    I really enjoy these articles by the way! It is very hard, i feel like right now in my life just about to enter high school I still have a lot to figure out. This is why I know im not in a good place to be in a reletionship right now, id like to grow in my reletionship with God. However I still feel kind of disappointed when most of my friends have experienced a lot of this stuff and I havent. I feel like im not there yet in just waiting for God to find the one for me, which is really hard. I feel like its never ever going to happen.

    • Project Inspired

      Posted by livelifeforgod on July 31, 2014 at 21:52

      I understand completely I have only been in one relationship and it didnt work out. Im 18 and I still need to realize I just need to have patience for my guy. And while being patient focus on God.

  9. Project Inspired

    Posted by EustaciaTan on July 29, 2014 at 04:12

    Add me to the “never had a relationship/never been kissed” group – and I’m almost 21. But I’m grateful that God has blessed me with many awesome guy and girl friends, so it’s not as though I’m actually lonely.

    • XxninjanatixX94

      Posted by XxninjanatixX94 on December 30, 2014 at 10:29

      I’m turning 21 in 2015 and I’m in the same boat as you. never kissed anyone or dated and its hard sometimes to wait and see others in relationships. in a weird way, what has made me be patient and feel okay about not being in relationship is seeing bad relationships. Like in high school, I saw guys with different girls every week and same thing with girls and girls ending up pregnant. Also just lots of drama in those relationships. And that was always and alarm for me. Also, God was another alarm for me. He would always remind me to be patient and just relax but its hard but I trust in God that my guy is out there. God bless you

      • Project Inspired

        Posted by shwish89 on January 20, 2015 at 04:31

        I’ll be 26 in 4 months and still in the never been kissed/never been in a relationship club! The only times I have problems being single is when I see that more than half of my friends are married!! I never used to care about who was just in a dating/courting relationship. But when you realize why you’re here on this earth, to love everyone and show Gods love, it makes being single one of the easiest things ever. Only when I end up COMPARING where I AM to where my Friends are do I feel unhappy with my own life. We shouldn’t be comparing what we are/have to what others have and just be happy knowing we are on our own journey for The Kingdom.

  10. IdaPahus

    Posted by IdaPahus on July 28, 2014 at 00:23

    Well I have never kissed a guy or been in a relationship, but this just brings my focus on the Lord instead of another person, so I actually like being single.

  11. angelagrhodes

    Posted by angelagrhodes on July 27, 2014 at 15:18

    It is very hard to wait for the right man to come into my life!
    You, the Project inspired team, are so good at giving things at the right time.
    While waiting, I’m trying to make my relationship with God better. It makes me feel close to someone wherever I am. Honestly, some friends bother me about it and some don’t. To this day, I still have never had a boyfriend, kissed, or held a hand. There are many temptations that the world gives saying that none of it really matters.
    I’m just glad that I’m not alone in this lol! I look up to Christians like Moriah Peters who did the same thing, and BarlowGirl.
    I personally want to find my identity in Christ and what he wants me to do with my life before I get into any relationship.
    Thanks for the encouragement!

  12. Jinkiebell

    Posted by Jinkiebell on July 12, 2014 at 17:57

    I had never had boyfriend until my 18th birthday, I’m glad I waited to date and I said I would only date a guy if, He followed the guidelines my parents had set and that had to be able to lead me closer to God and not farther away! I prayed for months before i started dating my boyfriend and asked God if first of all I was supposed todate him in the first place and I had decided a long time ago I didnt want to just date, to “date”, if I didnt feel like I was supposed to be with the guy or that he would be right for me to marry, I wouldnt have started the relationship! Dont feel out of place or awkward about having never kissed a boy or anything, I have been engaged to my fiance, since Valentines day, we have been together a year and neither one of us has ever kissed, each other or any body else! It is something that should be saved, like many other things for your wedding day!!

    • Project Inspired

      Posted by livelifeforgod on July 31, 2014 at 21:56

      I want to do the same thing. Wait untill I get married to kiss. I just want to know how do you controle the boundaries? because its probably hard right?

  13. Neaster

    Posted by Neaster on July 11, 2014 at 20:36

    You guys always know when I need a word of encouragement at the right time! I also have never been on a date or kissed a guy before and am going into my second year of college. My old friends from high school taunt me about it too and even when I go to visit my family the main question I get asked over and over is “Do you have a boyfriend?” It used to really hurt, esp. when a guy I had liked for years started dating an old friend of mine, but lately I’ve come to realize that God’s timing will come and now I just need to focus on me and my relationship with God, not looking for a guy. The right Christian man will come and it’ll be when God thinks I’m ready, not when I want him to come along. Thank you Lord!

  14. sha566

    Posted by sha566 on July 7, 2014 at 09:46

    People always saw surrender parts of your life to God, but that makes no sense to me. Isn’t God already directing it lives. Like is someone wants a job or a future they can say they surrender it to God. And us God does have control over it but that doesn’t mean the person can sit around waiting for a job, they have to have a plan and work for it. So for some reason that makes no sense to me. I know God has control over our lives, but we have to work for things too. Can you please explain what that means?

  15. Shyshys1028

    Posted by Shyshys1028 on July 6, 2014 at 13:45

    Waiting for God to put you with “the one” takes strength. Stay strong and trust God. You can do it!!!

  16. Project Inspired

    Posted by PurpleGal17 on July 6, 2014 at 13:19

    I really enjoyed this article, because I feel the same way about dating. I have never been kissed and I have never been in a real relationship. I went on my first date this past valentines day. I don’t want to go through a lot of different relationships. I still have stuff I have to work on myself and don’t think that adding someone else to the equation before I fully know who I am, what I want, and who I am in Christ would be a good thing. I am also a college student, and even in high school, I didn’t look to be in a relationship. I put more focus on my schoolwork because I know I have a career ahead of me that God has given me the gift to be successful in. I believe that God will put the right man in my life and let me know when the time is right. He may already be in my life but I just don’t know it yet, ha. This article was really encouraging. I’m glad I read it!

  17. Project Inspired

    Posted by BeMyLoveStory on July 6, 2014 at 00:53

    I turn 19 this July and I’ve never had a boyfriend or been on a date! I don’t really mind because I’m at a stage in my life where I’m pretty focused on “me time” and on career goals, so I feel I wouldn’t have much time to make a relationship work. I have a lot of friends that are in similar positions as I am, so any of you who haven’t dated don’t have to feel alone. I mean, most people don’t start dating the person they marry until a later age anyway! It’s important just to enjoy life, with or without a boyfriend, because you can’t expect a boy to change your world around.

  18. Project Inspired

    Posted by baroquemusician1 on July 4, 2014 at 13:03

    When your head and heart cannot agree, something is wrong. If you don’t know what to do, open your Bible and start reading because He WILL tell you.

  19. Shell

    Posted by Shell on July 3, 2014 at 21:35

    I am almost 20. A homeschool graduate. Grown up in a Christian family and grew up with the dream of marriage/housewife. Now I am discouraged. People whom I have either met over Facebook or in life, some of them, are getting married, engaged, or were recently married. It seems that I am never going to meet the guy whom God may have for me. I have questioned whether God really has marriage as His will for me. I already feel very alone, a constant feeling. Friends are very few and far between for a person who grew up in the Air Force. Of course, it is different for every child born in the Military. I feel like this will be my lot in life. Yes, people do say wait on God’s timing; but in the meantime there is plenty of loneliness and jealousy of those who were blessed with marriage. It is hard. I can’t use that as an excuse to be jealous, because that is not God-honoring. Learning to live for Christ in this time I suppose would be easier than it would be within a marriage.

    • Mandi Pi

      Posted by Mandi Pi on July 4, 2014 at 07:42

      @Shell, what TM said! 🙂 Keep focusing on God–even when you don’t know what you’re doing and what’s going on, He does. Stay strong in Christ, because that is what will attract Godly men. Instead of focusing on finding someone with fruit of the Spirit and Godly traits, focus on making YOURSELF that someone by growing in your weak areas–then when you do get married, it will be an even stronger marriage, because you will be so close to God. He has a reason for everything, and one day you might see why He made you wait, but until then, trust Him! And know that you’re not the only girl struggling with waiting. I know plenty of girls on here and in person who are your age or older and still waiting. 🙂 You sound like a wonderful person, and I know God will send you someone who is equally amazing. 🙂

    • tmgaouette

      Posted by tmgaouette on July 4, 2014 at 06:24

      Discouraged at almost 20? My goodness, sweet girl, you’re still a teen and still so young to be questioning whether “God has marriage in His will” for you. God doesn’t want you to be fulfilled by a husband. He wants you to be fulfilled by Him. So, focus on finding happiness as you are with Him and when the time is right, and it will likely be at least a few years from now, your husband will enter the scene. In the mean time, fill the loneliness void with God and friends. And fall in love with your choice to wait for your husband. Discouragement will only lead to rash decisions! God bless you, TMG

      • Shell

        Posted by Shell on July 6, 2014 at 08:36

        I do realize what can happen. It is just hard to wait. God has been impressing this upon my heart that He is much more than any man could ever be. As a result, I do not feel as desperate. He has taught me and made me realize that a relationship with Him matters so much more. Living for Him in every area of my life during this time is what He wants. I desire to be His, to live for Him, and let Him use me. At this stage in life, I have grown closer to God. He has this life for a purpose 🙂 Thank you, TMG 😀

  20. May All Your Bacon Burn

    Posted by May All Your Bacon Burn on July 3, 2014 at 21:24

    It’s encouraging to know there are a few people out there who aren’t rushing into the dating game. I watched with shock my first year in college as people rapidly paired off with people who they hardly met. I think my sexuality was questioned four, maybe five times, right off the top of my head, and no one seemed to comprehend even the slightest idea of not rushing into a relationship. Honestly, it’s better to take it slow, wait before you date and, above all else, pray about it. You learn how people are in time, not the first time you meet. I have a friend that tried to get me to date him; tried really hard. I prayed about it, and God showed me that he was, honestly, a sadistic sleezeball, after maybe 3 years of knowing him. If I could go for years without noticing that, I’d hate to imagine what I’d find out later after dating someone right when I met them.

    • PotterFan

      Posted by PotterFan on July 23, 2014 at 12:41

      I’m in a similar situation right now. I’m only 16, so being single isn’t a mark of shame among my classmates or anything, but there’s this guy. All my friends said we should date, and I even convinced myself that i was deep in crush, but very recently I found out that he is, while not a sadistic sleazeball, definitely not who I thought he was. It’s really disappointing, and I can’t imagine what it would be like if I didn’t have faith that God had someone better for me. I don’t think I’d be able to cope if I didn’t have God’s promise.

  21. Project Inspired

    Posted by msdream24 on July 3, 2014 at 18:55

    I thought I was the only one going though this. I’m in the exact same situation, have necer kissed or dated before. Im starting college in the fall.. My friends has all been in a relationship and thank you so much for the encouragement! I wish I could meet more people who are waiting for a Godly man just like I am..

  22. Ashlee

    Posted by Ashlee on July 3, 2014 at 18:42

    Each of you and every female you know should read Spoken For by Robin Jones Gunn & Alyssa Bethke. It answers this question beautifully.

  23. janellestepper

    Posted by janellestepper on July 3, 2014 at 18:17

    This is so awesome!! Even though I’ve had boyfriends on and off throughout all four years of high school, I wish that I would have maintained higher standards when choosing a boyfriend in my earlier years. Settling for less just to “have a boyfriend” and my “first kiss” actually caused me more pain then simply remaining single because I was getting myself into ungodly relationships that only let me feeling used and unwanted. I hope that all the single girls out there know that having more boyfriends and kisses doesn’t fulfill one’s happiness, but that it’s in finding the right guy who treats you as the princess that that you’ll truly ever be happy. I wish I would have held out on the early dating and not settled for less, so keep your standards high girls and know that the one day he’ll completely be worth the wait! 🙂

  24. MF003

    Posted by MF003 on July 3, 2014 at 18:11

    I would highly recommend the book “Praying for your Future Husband” by Robin Jones Gunn. Such a great book on the beautiful romance God has for all of us. And I’m in college now as well, never been kissed or been in a relationship. But have loved the deep relationship and focus in Jesus that I’ve been able to develop throughout my time of being single.

  25. ruthie27064Him

    Posted by ruthie27064Him on July 2, 2014 at 17:33

    Oh my gosh! I totally could have written the first part! Thank you for asking questions like this, and thank you Olivia, for answering these! This article was so encouraging!

  26. Ella Lawai

    Posted by Ella Lawai on July 2, 2014 at 12:14

    I am in the exact same position as this girl. Thanks for the advice. People can be so mean when I refuse to be just like everybody else. I have standards. But when I start to feel the jealousy creeping in, I repeat this phrase to myself: “I will take waiting over settling any day.” I hope you all will too! Stay strong sisters!

  27. kass4god

    Posted by kass4god on July 2, 2014 at 10:05

    I know this sounds cheesy, haha but I just recently wrote a song about this:) I sang it for one of the College counselors at a camp I went to, and it really helped her. I would love to share it with you some time!

    • Project Inspired

      Posted by lesmiz on July 3, 2014 at 18:10

      I am in the same situation. I am 18 and never dated and I never been kissed! It’s been a challenge because I all of my friends have been kissed and have been in a relationship. Some look at me weird because I take relationship and my lipginity seriously lol. But I am glad I read this article because I am going to college in August and I know that I would have to encounter with the situation that isnin the article