“My Best Friend Is Avoiding Me! What Should I Do?”

    I am an upcoming senior in high school and I have an amazing best friend. We have a crazy, strange, Christ-filled friendship that seems invincible sometimes because we help each grow with God. But since summer has started…we haven’t seen each other…we haven’t texted, (you’d honestly think it’d been the opposite right? Wrong.) or made plans, or called each other and it is starting to get to me.

    She has been my FIRST, real, and true best friend. I have been trying to make plans…but she seems to always “be busy” or “not able” to. It isn’t like I don’t believe her, but I feel like we are drifting apart. And it makes me utterly saddened. I don’t want to lose such an amazing person. I also feel that she doesn’t want to see me…almost avoiding me? Because it is only me who has been trying to make plans to get together; she has not invited me anywhere once with her.

    We both have summer jobs. But something like jobs normally would not separate us, normally we would always find a way to be together even if it was for five minutes. I feel alone. It was today that we went to church together and found out she is going on vacation to visit family. Don’t get me wrong; I am truly happy for her! I have been trying to make plans all week and I even tried to see if we could have a sleepover before she left…she said she would find out later. Later came and she has other plans, I presume.

    I can’t help but feel ignored, lonely, even a slight bit depressed…I miss her. A lot. And I told her that. But I honestly don’t think she gets it. Like I miss my best friend so much that I want to cry. It isn’t like I don’t have any other friends. I do, but not any of them that I am as comfortable and close with.

    Do you think God is doing this to me so I can focus on my friendship with Him? I would like to think that…but I don’t recall EVER feeling this lonely…ever. And when we see each other it doesn’t seem the same. Like I said, it makes me want to cry.

    What is Jesus trying to tell me?

    Hey girl! My heart truly goes out to you.

    Having a best friend is such a blessing, isn’t it? But there’s obviously an underlying issue that’s going on here. I’m guessing it could be anything, but nothing I can imagine you would be happy with. Maybe she’s feeling a little too consumed by the relationship. Or she may be growing out of the relationship. The fact that you two are heading into your senior year in high school might have something to do with it also. Maybe she wants to back off of the relationship a little as she heads toward college or the real world. I can’t tell you what her concerns are, but I can suggest to you that you share your feelings with her.

    Letting your friend know how you feel may not result in the outcome you are looking for, but at least you will get it off your chest.

    The fact that you feel lonely and a “bit depressed” means that you’re devoting yourself too much in this relationship. I understand that you help strengthen each other’s relationship with Christ, but for you to feel incomplete without her is a sign you’re not focused on Him. You’re more focused on her. So when you ask if God may be wanting you to focus more on Him, I would be inclined to think so. After all, you should never feel lonely or depressed if you have a strong relationship with God! And you should never feel incomplete if He is fully in your heart, even if you had no friends.

    You need to devote yourself to the one relationship that will never die, unless YOU allow it. He will always love you. So you shouldn’t lose yourself in anyone but Christ!

    So, this is what I think you should do:

    1. Write her a letter. Explain how you feel and just ask her if she could explain to you how she feels. You may have to come to terms with the end of this relationship. It may not be the case, but if it is, look to God for strength in letting the relationship go.
    2. Give her some space. Don’t push her, rush her or force her to explain herself. The best thing you can do is give her space. If you back off, she may feel safe enough to step in and be open with you.
    3. Keep yourself busy with other things and other people to fill your time. This way, you won’t miss her as much and you may find other people that you love hanging out with also.
    4. Put your energy into loving God. Elevate Him above and beyond your best friend, or any other person in your life.
    5. Pray that God fill your emptiness. And pray that, should your friendship rekindle with your best friend, it will never consume you above and beyond your friendship with Him.

    Good luck and God bless!

    Need some advice? Ask your relationship questions in the Ask Olivia Girl Talk forum or in the comments below and I might answer them in a future article!

    Ask Olivia
    Got a question about boys, your besties or God? I'm here to help! As the girl all my friends always came to for advice, I've turned my girl talk, level-headedness and love of Jesus into a job -- one I love because I was a teen not long ago, too! Click into Ask Olivia in our Girl Talk Forums to ask me a question!


    1. –“The fact that you feel lonely and a “bit depressed” means that you’re devoting yourself too much in this relationship.”
      May I disagree? If a really close friend of yours starts drifting away and you feel like this, I don’t think it’s a sign that you’re devoting yourself too much to that relationship. It just means that you love your best friend. Losing a friend without a reason to speak of can make you feel hurt, isolated, frustrated, and sad. Especially if you’re really close. So please be a little more understanding.
      –“You should never feel lonely or depressed if you have a strong relationship with God!” I’m sorry, but you’re not helping anyone by stating that. Instead, you’re telling this poor girl and anyone else who happens to feel depressed or lonely that they’re not right with God. That’s not your place to say.
      God said that, “In this world you will have troubles, but take heart. I have overcome the world.” That doesn’t mean, “If you face struggles in life, you’re not walking with me the way your should be.” It means, “You’re gonna have struggles, but you can face them with confidence that you’ll survive because I’m stronger.” I think that includes depression and loneliness. I wish that people would stop suggesting that depressed/anxious/lonely people must be doing something wrong.

      • YES. THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THIS REPLY. It’s perfect. Truly. I don’t have any friends (I’m not just whining needlessly — I’m homeschooled in the country, only get to town two or three times a week, and have trouble relating to “normal” kids, so I’m not joking.) and I stuggle with loneliness. It’s just a combination of natural factors, and if anyone said that my loneliness was my own fault for not being close enough to God, it would be very difficult to avoid doing something we would both regret. 😉 Thank you so much for laying this out properly.

    2. “You should never feel lonely or depressed if you have a strong relationship with God!”

      Excuse me. Are you human? Living in the country, being homeschooled, and being generally geeky and weird, I don’t have friends that are more than acquaintances. I’m terribly lonely. It hurts more than you would believe, being isolated. I feel like I’m going insane sometimes. But nothing to fear, my problem is that I don’t pray hard enough! Nevermind that God created people to have friends — If I pray enough, it shouldn’t matter! I’ll be completely happy and jumpy and the perfect image of the hyperactive Christian!

      Oh. Here’s something to fling at your happy, perfect, Christian lifestyle. Job was extremely godly, and he felt alone. Remember that good ol’ Bible story? Or maybe most of the Psalms? Think David would have written a bunch of those if he had been completely happy happy joy joy? And you think Joseph was happy, joyful and optimistic when his own brothers sold him into slavery in a foreign land? That had to have been lonely. (Oh, right; if his relationship with God was strong, he shouldn’t have felt a thing!)

      Careful with the prosperity gospel. Saying that a strong relationship with God gets rid of all your emotional and spiritual struggle can really stumble some people when they /do/ come across the inevitable battles. (Yes. They’re inevitable. Look at /all/ the Bible heroes.)

      I might have come off harshly, and I apologize. Kind of.

      • I was homeschooled, too! And often quite lonely, though I had a few friends from church and homeschool stuff. In fact, I had this one guyfriend that I knew very well, and two bffs. But lately, two of these people have started driftng away from me, and I have to say, it has been very difficult for me. I love those people very much.

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