“My Best Guy Friend and I Just Got Saved, But We Can’t Help Getting Too Close! Please Help!”

    Before my best friend and I got saved, we both used to date and we lived in a very depressive and sinful relationship. Now that things have changed and we both have Christian principles, things are much better. We decided to not date anymore but just be best friends, in the purest sense. We are quite close and I feel that this might be a problem. I often find that I feel a bit too close with him at times. For example, he sometimes grabs my waist when we hug or I rest my head on his lap. I understand that it’s both our faults, but I don’t know what to do. We both try to not be so physically close with each other because it could potentially lead to sinful thoughts or temptations that we want to stay away from. It’s been extremely difficult to be able to change this. I want to be able to be his best friend and not feel like his girlfriend. If you have any advice on what to do, please help!

    Uh-oh! This is truly a difficult situation because the two of you have already crossed the line into intimacy. So now that you’ve experienced it, it’s a temptation that you’re familiar with. You’ve been there before, right? And in moments of weakness, what’s to stop you from justifying doing it again by arguing, “Well, what difference would it make?”

    Even now, the two of you choose to cross lines that could ultimately lead you to sin. You wrote that. You both know where you’re making mistakes, but are choosing to make them anyway.

    You have control over yourselves and you have the strength of God on your side, but you’re both choosing not to control yourselves, primarily because you’re willingly placing yourselves in compromising positions. You’re the one putting your head on his lap; he’s the one grabbing you by the waist. The fact is your desire to please God should be stronger than your desire to get close to each other. In John 14:15, Jesus said, If you love Me, you will keep My commandments.”

    Well, now that you’re a Christian, you understand your sins, which is great. But you’re also held more accountable for those same sins because you’re aware that they are sins. James 4:17 reads, “So whoever knows the right thing to do and fails to do it, for him it is sin.” Does that make sense? It’s not going to be easy in this relationship because you’ve had to pull back. But it’s your choice. And the reality is that if the two of you don’t know how to act morally around each other, you probably shouldn’t be around each other.

    Being a Christian is not just this cool thing you call yourself—it’s a way of life and you need to live your Christian life consciously.

    I’m sorry, girl, but I’m not sure you can be his best friend in the way that you wish.

    So here’s what I think you should do:

    1. Determine how important this relationship is. Have you decided that this is the guy you’re going to marry? If not, you may have to end the friendship. Your relationship with God is more important than your relationship with this guy. And if you’re afraid that hanging out with this guy is going to eventually lead you to sin, then you should not be hanging out with him. Additionally, if he’s not the guy you’re going to marry, you shouldn’t be hanging out at all. You obviously still have feelings for him and feel easily tempted when you’re around him. This is certainly not a relationship that you could continue once you do find your future husband.
    2. If this is the guy you will eventually marry, then what are you waiting for? Talk about your future plans and decide when you’re getting married. I’d suggest the sooner the better depending on your age and life phase. If you want to spend the rest of your life together, why not start making steps in that direction now?
    3. If you decide to get married, establish rules about not being together alone. Don’t place yourself in compromising positions, and ensure that you’re surrounded by trusted friends at all times when you’re together.
    4. Pray together. Ask God to forgive your past transgressions, if you haven’t already, and then ask Him to bless your relationship. Ask Him to keep you strong when you’re together.
    5. Read your Bible. Let the Word guide you in your relationship, life and, most importantly, times of temptation. “No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.” (1 Corinthians 10:13 )

    Good luck and God bless!

    Need some advice? Ask your relationship questions in the Ask Olivia Girl Talk forum or in the comments below and I might answer them in a future article!

    Ask Olivia
    Got a question about boys, your besties or God? I'm here to help! As the girl all my friends always came to for advice, I've turned my girl talk, level-headedness and love of Jesus into a job -- one I love because I was a teen not long ago, too! Click into Ask Olivia in our Girl Talk Forums to ask me a question!


    1. I think this article is really good, but I don’t agree that you shouldn’t hang out with a guy if you don’t plan on marriage. Now if you find that being with him is tempting you to sin, that’s one thing. But just because you aren’t dating/courting a guy doesn’t mean you can’t be friends. I get the feeling that this was what was meant in the article but I just wanted to clarify 🙂

    2. I definitely do not agree. “Have you decided that this is the guy you’re going to marry? If not, you may have to end the friendship.” Also, “Additionally, if he’s not the guy you’re going to marry, you shouldn’t be hanging out at all.” That seems like a bit much. It’s tough right now because the intimate feelings are still raw, which is probably why this girl feels that the interactions she has with this guy may lead to sin. The feelings just need time to smooth over. But until they do, it would be a good idea to refrain from too much physical contact. Once the feelings go away (and they will), the two can be good friends with no romantic interference and without fear of being led into something sinful.
      I do not think that you can only hang out with a guy if you are thinking about marrying him. My sister has lots of really close guy friends who are pretty much like her brothers. I talk to lots of guys because they’re friends of mine and we enjoy speaking to and spending time with each other. In my opinion, it’s totally fine to be friends with guys you don’t intend on marrying. As long as you’re still focusing on God, everything should be okay. Just saying.

    3. Hi, I just signed up so that I could post a comment about this.

      I’ve read the previous comments and I just wanted to say that I do not think the author of this article was saying that you cannot be friends with a guy unless you are thinking about marrying him.

      She was giving advice to someone who is trying to be friends with a person with whom she has already crossed boundaries with. This is something that is hard to do. From personal experience, trying not to express interest in a guy I just have a crush on is already hard enough. It must be much harder to not become tempted around someone you’ve already given into temptation with.

      It is for her spiritual heath that it is recommend that she not hang out with this guy anymore. She is not giving herself time to heal by staying around him. As Christians, we are urged to flee from temptation. Of course, this may be hard to do, but for the sake of her spiritual health, for the sake of maintaining her relationship with God, she needs to flee. The fact that she realizes that she may be to close to him shows that she should avoid being around him. Whether this means she should cut him off completely or if she can still call/text/email him is all up to how she feels when she looks at herself in these situations through God’s lens. E.g. if she still feels tempted when she talks to him on the phone, then she should limit or cease the calls.

      There is nothing wrong with being friends with someone of the opposite gender, but in cases where temptation is involved, it would be best that one keep their distance from those whom they are tempted by. In this case, I would guess that being away from her best guy friend would be emotionally painful; she’d have to voluntarily stay away from someone who is very close to her. But it may help her to heal and grow as a woman of faith.

      Whether or not the friendship can be fully restored, only God knows. But in the meantime, this lady needs to prioritize her relationship with God if she wants to be serious about living and growing as a Christian.

      I hope this is helpful 🙂

    4. I am also really disappointed with this article I get the context this girl is saying this in formerly being in a sinful relationship. But she shouldn’t make simple acts of affection sound like a blatant gateway to sin. Putting your head on your boyfriend’s lap is not immoral it does not mean you’re going to give him a bj. My dad used to braid his girlfriends hair in his lap and he still didn’t have sex with until he got married to my mom. I don’t think a guy grabbing your waist is wrong either I think they should clarify on this site that crossing the line in purity is kind of a to each his own thing, you are the only person who knows you. You have to know what triggers temptation into sin some people can’t even hold hands without thinking about sex. Others can make out without thinking about sex, it just depends on your self discipline.

      • @ Pinkypie2017 I think if you reread the initial question from the PI girl, she writes that she’s concerned that she and her ex. boyfriend are getting too close. “I often find that I feel a bit too close with him at times. For example, he sometimes grabs my waist when we hug or I rest my head on his lap. I understand that it’s both our faults, but I don’t know what to do. We both try to not be so physically close with each other because it could potentially lead to sinful thoughts or temptations that we want to stay away from. It’s been extremely difficult to be able to change this.” She’s admitting that their actions may lead them to sin. She’s admitting that she doesn’t have the “self-discipline” that you mention. And she knows the “triggers.” So, Olivia is not insinuating anything. Her response is not general or objective. She’s responding subjectively to the question and the concern as it was directed to her. Best and blessings, TMG

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