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    Q&A – How Can I Be Just Friends With a Guy and Not Have Him Thinking I’m Interested in a Relationship?

    Question:

    I decided that I wasn’t going to date in high school (I’m a junior now), but I still want to be friends with guys. The thing is, when I tell guys I’m not dating, they suddenly lose any interest, even in being friends. Am I just looking for a friend in the wrong guys, or should I keep it more of a secret that I’m not dating?

    To put it simply: How can I be just friends with a guy and not have him think I’m interested in a relationship?

    Answer:

    I think that it’s great that you’ve decided not to date while you’re in high school. This decision probably prevents you from experiencing some of the temptations that other girls your age experience in regards to sex and other dating issues.

    You should never compromise your values or hide your beliefs in order to impress another person. If a boy isn’t interested in being just friends with you even after you’ve explained your expectations, then it’s better that you find male friends that are better at respecting your boundaries. Ask God to place respectful Christian boys in your life who want to be friends with you for who you are and not because of what they expect from you.

    Meanwhile, be sure that you’re setting clear boundaries and that you’re being consistent about not giving mixed messages to the boys that are around you. It might be tempting to flirt with boys to try to keep them around but that only sends mixed messages and is probably not a good idea if you truly just want a friendship.

    Ask God for wisdom during your interactions with male peers and He’ll give it to you abundantly. Rely on The Holy Spirit to guide you in what to say and to help you discern if your male “friends” are truly people who need to be in your life.

    I know that this may have been a tough decision, but I’m so proud of you for making this choice!

    Don’t you know that your body is a temple that belongs to the Holy Spirit? (1 Corinthians 6:19)

    God is pleased with you for making the choice to avoid the temptation to date while in high school. Don’t allow the behavior of others to deter you from your Godly decision!

    What are you thoughts, ladies?

    Written by Aysha Ives

    Aysha Ives
    Aysha Ives loves God with her whole heart and has a desire to help hurting people. With a Masters Degree in Psychology, she combines her education and experience with her love for God to help people live whole and fulfilled lives. Aysha is an Author, Mental Health Provider, Youth Church Teacher, and the mother of one gifted little boy whom she absolutely adores. Aysha is honored to be able to share her love of God with Project Inspired readers. Aysha is also the author of God Cares About Your Stuff: How To Believe For Tomorrow When Things Look Utterly, Completely, And Totally Impossible Today, released February 2013- Available at Amazon.

    75 COMMENTS

    1. i’ve had the same issue. when i become friends with a guy, i treat them the same way i would anyone else (aka no flirting). ive found out the hard way that what i dont think as flirting, or what even other guys dont think as flirting, some guy can take to mean differently. when i see him getting that way of liking me or flirting me, i make sure it comes up casually in conversation my views on dating, and then continue treating him no differently. sometimes it works, sometimes it doesnt. it just depends on the guy

    2. I agree! I think its ok to date in high school but I would have strict boundraies and if a guy doesn’t like it then he can go find another girl.

      Guard your heart it affects everything you do! ~ Proverbs 4:23

      • its not a sin, but it is a sin to not guard your heart against temptation as Emily’s verse proves. i would say that its up to you, but personally im against it because i dont want to give that much of my heart away this young. im a senior in high school. i can tell you i have seen my friends go in and out of relationships time and again. ive seen what it does to them emotionally. its not pretty. they feel like there is something wrong with them & that their future relationships wont work out either. but you can make it through happily single if you really want to. 🙂 and im also not saying you would end up that way, just my experience. praying for you!

        • Wow Juliana! I am all for what you just said! I have friends that go through over 6 boyfriends in a school year. They get tempted and soon they are boy crazy therefore it takes their focus off of Christ to find something else that might just give them the happiness they want. I fight all my might not to be boy crazy and thank God I’m not. I am proud to not have a boyfriend. Boys in this young age are most likely immature anyways so why do it? Even us girls are not fully matured so why risk something you are not ready for? There is nothing wrong with having a boyfriend in high school but it most likely takes your focus off of Christ. Its nice to know I’m not the only one who agrees in boyfriends in high school. 🙂

      • Hi Anna, (I’m a Sophmore this year) there are sooo many things to do in high school! Have fun doing the things YOU want to do, having a boyfriend means giving up at least half of that for things HE wants to do. I have a friend who is dating now, she doesn’t do anything but date, and has quit all school activities to be with him, and I know she’ll regret it.
        I want you to think of all the things you do with a boyfriend that are diffrent from having a friend, there isn’t alot. Those long lingering hugs, or kissing, or sex, are special things and you should save them for your husband. God is preparing the right guy for you, just be patient. If you get lonely, our Lord is the one you want to turn to.

      • No it’s not bad to have a boyfriend in high school I am a senior and have had two boyfriends, while neither of them worked out I don’t regret dating either of them for a second. Yes it did hurt when we broke up but, if I didn’t have those experiences in my life I wouldn’t be who I am today and I certainly wouldn’t be a sold out Christian. Dating is a personal conviction, if I were you I would pray about it and listen to what God has to say about it all. If you do choose to date be smart about it and set yourself up for success by having your boundaries out in the open from day one and not allowing yourself to be put in situations that could compromise either of your boundaries. Also if the guy has different boundaries than you and is willing to go farther than you *do not* compromise yourself, take it from me I’ve been there, done that it doesn’t end well it will end in a ton of pain. So I guess all this is just to say, be smart about it and pray it over. 🙂

        • i totally agree with christina! i am a sophmore and 15 and after a bad desicision in the dating department ive decided not against dating in high school but against dating until my relationship with Jesus is able to hold up in a relationship with a guy. if you ALWAYS put Jesus first in everything you do including your relationship with a guy and you find a guy who respects that you will have a much better experience. i would also suggest a guy who not only says hes a christian but who acts it,its not a fun road when a boy no matter how much he likes you doesnt put Jesus first- trust me!

    3. Totally agree! A lot of the guys at my church actually like that I set boundaries, though, so apparently it makes me more attractive, haha. 🙂 Look for the right guy who will treat you like the princess you are!

    4. I’ve never dated, and I’m a … well, I’m in the middle of high school (I’m seriously not sure what grade I’m in). Most guys just accept that…but I’m in a truly Christian public school (which I suppose it’s odd, but I always considered it normal!). They just know that I don’t date, and they accept it. It’s really, really nice and God has truly blessed me 🙂

    5. With my guy friends, I just treat them like I would a regular girl friend of my’n. I rarely talk about dating and all that with my true guy friends, but I have been asked the “do you like me” question by a guy friend I like and I now feel like high school is my opportunity to show my rebellion and religion. I don’t want to date because I’m only 14 and feel that I need to enjoy my youth. I have a friend who’s obsessed over constantly having a boyfriend, and I know that’s not God’s plan. I want to wait for the future and invest my time with my friends. A lot of people–including my mom–wish that they spent their time on their friends and not on boyfriend/girlfriend relationships. I don’t want to be that person. I want to learn from their mistakes.

      • Oh my gosh yes, that is SO TRUE. The only think is before I started high school I was sure I would never date anyone, but now my really close guy friend and I both really like eachother. He’s really sweet and respects my boundries, but I’m just not sure what I should do!

    6. AMEN!!!! I agree with this 100% !!!!! This is just so mind blowing to me, I never would have guessed to find a website like this on the ADs from Facebook. This is just too cool. I don’t date either and I agree with the answer all the way. You shouldn’t keep your belief quiet and if they don’t respect your beliefs, then they really weren’t worth it anyways, but you should still pray for them. And then I was just totally shocked that you mentioned the Holy Spirit. Man, this just makes me so happy 🙂 God bless you and I hope this website stays up and girls find out about it everywhere so they will know that they aren’t the only ones and that they won’t compromise. I’ve already told three of my friends about it 🙂

    7. That’s an amazing choice, and I’ve decided to stop focusing on guys. This school year I am going into it with the mindset that I have wayyy too much going on to focus on boys, so they are last priority and when I’m ready, I’ll know. Stay strong. They don’t deserve you if they can’t respect you. They aren’t truly good friends if they just want to use you

    8. If a guy truly wants to be friends with you then he will respect your wishes and just be friends with you! Otherwise, he’s not worth it! Just tell him that you want to be friends.
      Just don’t flirt with them! That confuses them! 😛

      BTW- I’ve never dated and I’m in high school. I’m waiting until I find “the one”. I’ve had guys interested in me, but I just tell them no.

    9. i think the hardest thing to deal with is turning down a truly nice guy because you just aren’t ready or for some other reason you feel its best for you to focus on other things 🙁 but i guess sometimes it just has to be done. The big question is, do guys really get as emotional as girls do in all of this? i would feel terrible getting turned down. maybe some guys just want a girlfriend because they, too, feel they need to date. course it could just be for other reasons…

    10. I’m in high school and i think dating’s fine nut if a guy doesn’t respect you and your boundries then they don’t even deserve to be your friend. A lot of my really good guy friends i know from my old school or church. My last school was a mixed Christian school and now I’m at an all girls Christian school. Set your boundries, make it clear if they don’t abide then tell them, “Go from here!” God is a loving and caring God and only the people He wants in your life will be there so don’t worry 🙂

    11. I mean I want to date, there is nothing wrong with dating, unless you equate dating with sex and that’s a problem. I have a lot of great guy friends who really don’t pressure me into dating or anything. I’d rather have guy friends as friends anyway ha ha. 😀

    12. I do my best not to flirt with guys, but I think that the less secure guys seem to think that just because a girl is nice to them she has a crush on him. It’s happened to me several times. I see a guy sitting alone in class/lunch/etc. so I go over and make friends. Next thing I know he starts making advances to me and following me around. It’s annoying and I feel bad for “letting him on” even though I didn’t see it as flirting. Usually it’s with guys who are younger than me, but now I’m dual enrolled in my community college and I feel like I might be approaching the same situation with a man who’s about 10 years older than me. What do I do? D=

      • In my opinion, I would NOT get involved with someone who was 10 years older than me, especially if you’re only 18ish. Tell him you are only interested in being friends, and say it like you mean it. Keep your position firm, and he’ll get it. 🙂

        • I hope so. He hasn’t made advances, but I’m beginning to get that vibe. =P I wish I could just be nice to a guy without him thinking I want a relationship.

        • lydia that is excatlly (speling?? 😮 ) how i feel…, because for some reason i only get some really…. super not cute guy.. or they rr cute but all thy wnt is one thing… and im only in 8th grade :\ i have had a boyfriend fr 1 yr i broke up with him and then after he started doing things just to make me mad. When i look it now i have no idea why i broke up with him. And we wre both on the same level with Jesus. Anyways, i feel the same way about just haveing a guy friend with out them likeing me. :\ i just pray that Jesus sends a boy thatis not interested in me. But isn’t mean to me and doesn’t want to date me. Just pray girl Jesus got uu 😀

    13. I loved this guy so much. We dated for a month and a half and we’ve been friends for a while now. We broke up because he had to move to Florida. I still have feelings for him and I’m pretty sure he does too. I honestly think he’s the one… (you know.. marriage.) I can see it in the future, that we’ll be married. I’m only in 7th grade but I’m totally serious about him. I think about him all the time but… He lives in Florida. He can get a plane ticket though. He’s already asked me if he should get one. I’m in Georgia by the way. I really miss him. What do I do?

      • i was in 7th grade also when i met my boyfriend. and we dated for a year and then broke up. We broke up for a different reaso tho. But he said he might be moving to florida. i still love him, and for ever will. If he was your first love hes going to always be in the back of your mind. i told him even if i get married im not going to be over him. He agreed with me.. im in the 8th grade now.. But you have to know this, If he is the “one” God WILL send him to you one way or another. It could be in a few years. When he is on his own. But if that guy is not in ur future that God has for ou. Then don’t force it because he might have something so much better for you. Just hang in there and enjoy 7th grade. A lot of people regret spending all there time with boys instead of haveing fun! (: so it will come just stay in there and beleive God has something miraculous in store for you ♥

    14. My best friend and I have decided to do this too throughout High School as of this summer! It really helps if God provides a friend(I wouldn’t recommend a guy friend) who wants to do this with you.
      Also, what seems to be working for me is not mentioning the fact that you aren’t going to date anyone. Pray that God helps you become a person who simply is a friend, not a flirt, and that people will just realize that you aren’t trying to score a date.

    15. Hey Aysha,
      I think it is really cool that you choose not to date during your school years. I have only “talked” to one guy throughout high school(I’m a junior as well, whoop whoop;). Honestly, it isn’t worth dating unless they are a really close friend. It is hard to become good friends with guys if they know your not dating anyone. There are 2 concepts I’ve heard from local youth pastors and friends that help me know what to expect. 1.) If you didn’t meet this guy or start this relationship through Godly expectations, it shows that you put this guy before God.It just won’t work. 2.) If this makes sense, imagine a triangle. God is at the top of the triangle, and you and your designated “friendly friend” are on the bottom edges of the triangle. the closer you and your partner get to God, the closer you and your partner become in a relationship. Its hard to paint a picture through this comment, but i thought it was cool to think about. I pray that you won’t have to be pressured through school, and it will be tough, but stay in prayer, and God will keep you focused on whats important.
      -Kayla:)

    16. i am in the EXACT same situation. also made a commitment not to date in high school, and i’m a junior too. but there are boys who i really do like being around, and i really have fun with them. i think as long as you’re both “on the same page,” and neither of you are like toying with each other’s minds, then hanging out just for the sake of fun is fine. what i mean is, make sure you both know that you’re not interested in a serious relationship just to be sure they’re not taking it the wrong way, which only eventually leads up to DRAMA and hurt feelings 😛 God bless, hope all goes well 🙂

    17. I haven’t had a boyfriend before, and there are times when I wonder if there’s something wrong with me. But this year, my sophomore year, I’ve actually found a Christian guy I would not mind dating at all, even though my parents dont want me dating yet. I hardly know if he likes me, so it hasn’t progressed or anything yet. I am just wondering… would having a boyfriend, just for the enjoyment of having someone close to you you can talk to and not for sexual purposes, be okay in the sight of God? This has confused me for a while, and sorry if my post is a bit late. Thank you. (:

      • jessie i am in the same place as you. there is a boy i am interested in but i am a sophmore and only 15. my parents have set the dating age at 16 which i regret to say i broke in 8th grade. but now i am holding to that age maybe more so than if i hadnt broken it. i dont think God would disagree with dating but i think the point most girls are making here is that they know that it is hard to keep God as your top priority while dating a guy you really like. i would say keep praying to God and let Him show you what He wants for your love life.. let Him write it!!! it will be so great! and in the mean time just be friends with this boy(there is absolutly nothing wrong with that!), grow in your relationship with Jesus Christ and PRAY PRAY PRAY! i will be praying that God works some wonders in your life 🙂

    18. reading this has helped me think weather or not i should date in high school cuz i agree there is sooo much drama right now. one of my friends is haveing a rough time with this guy and she is only in 8th grade.

    19. i think that you should maybe wait till your in 12th or higher than 9th grade. god wants us to not grow up fast we need to enjoy our childhood while we can .life gose by fast.but the point is if he cant respect that than hes really not your friend hes just wanting to use you ………

    20. to be honest, I’ve never dated! or kissed..It used to be a huge deal for me until I realized that it’s really a blessing. It’s saved me a lot of heartache. I’ve been like this for 15 years, so there’s no reason for me to change now. i’m really a “baby” still is what my old mentor would say, and I guess she’s right. And those guys my age are too! I’m not ready yet.What’s really crazy is that last year,I got asked to homecoming by this one guy (he was my age) who had a rep that I really didn’t know about. He was really flirting with me! When, I got home from school, I talked to God about it, and asked for some guidence. That night, he was texting me a lot, and unfortunatly I did lead him on a little, but i just flirted, and didnt send anything bad. He even said he wanted me to be his girlfriend and he wanted to kiss me. Once I tried to go to sleep, i couldn’t. at first, I thought it was just my emotions or whatever so i tried to sleep.At one AM, I STILL wasn’t asleep! I’m a deep thinker, so by then I was looking at the situation and noticed that some of the things that guy said was a bit too foward and sketchy. And I remembered some of the confusing looks a few of my friends gave me when I told them. Slowly, things came into a clear perspective. It was like the Holy Spirit was giving the realization that things weren’t right! the next day, I told him that I wasn’t able to go to homecoming with him (but i still went with my friends,haha). I thought it would be the hardest thing in the world but it felt like the world was lifted off my shoulders. Right now, I’m not specifically talking about temptation or peer pressure (although those are important topics!), I’m talking about God’s will for your life! Either something is right, or it isn’t. And He will “be a lamp unto your feet and a light unto your path” Just like He was for me. waiting is a lot easier when you know it’s the right thing 🙂

    21. I really am good friends with this guy Stephen. I really like him but the thing is he just wants to be friends with and i’m good with that. H elikes my really good friend Lucy but i’m a little sad. And theres this other one my parents always think that i’m too young to date i’m 12 and i am but they say i can talk to my guy friends on the phone well just the other night i was talking to stephen and he sounded all awkward just because i called him. if u have any advice please advice give it to me

    22. I think that you should pray to god and ask him what to do. I am not in high school yet and I’m already having boy problems! It help when I talk to god though because it makes me feel like it doesn’t matter. You should try it! It really does help!

    23. As a senior and a young lady who goes to school, home, church and sometimes go out with my friends I have to be strong and virtuous all day, everyday. its like a mandatory thing for us. If we are going through challenges such as some in school there is no point in being weak and not do anything about it we just have to be strong and confident, and so what if a guy does not want to be friends with you because you do not want to be his girl friend. We have to stand strong with our head held high and do what we believe is right for us. If you do not want to be into a close relationship with a guy at school, and you feel that you are not ready than do not. There is absolutely nothing wrong with with it and it is always good to be patient with ourselves because we are still growing mentally, spiritually and physically.

    24. I have a question (if anyone knows the answer to it). What exactly is flirting? I get mixed answers, like some people say it’s smiling at a guy or laughing at what he says or stuff like that. I’m a naturally happy person so I laugh and smile all the time.

    25. I believe that it is not a bad thing to have a boyfriend in high school. My boyfriend and I have been together 3.5 years now, we started dating at the end of freshman year and now we’re in college. We’re even at different colleges and are still together after 2 months of a long distance relationship. I know we’re not a common couple, but I think part of what made it last so long was that we talked about boundaries pretty early in our relationship. Despite the fact that we’ve been together so long, we’re both still virgins and we’re happy about that.

      Something to remember about relationships: they are for courting. You’re figuring out what kind of person you want to marry. It’s not for physical pleasure or anything like that.

      Something to remember about high school relationships: They can and usually do end. Don’t do anything that you will wish you hadn’t done if or when the relationship is over. When Louis and I had been dating just a few months, I read a book called “Dateable: Are you? Are They” by Justin Lookadoo and Hayley Morgan. The book is written to give teenagers insight as to how to be in a respectful relationship that they will not regret. I strongly suggest it. I hope this helps someone with their decisions in high school 🙂

    26. I really like the idea of bringing up the “no dating policy” casually. I’ve always wondered what would be best, to approach the problem directly or just slip it in a conversation slowly but surely. I now think from seeing another has done the same and shared their experience that that is what I’ll do in a situation like that. 🙂

    27. Hey, I havent ever had a boyfriend, but I was always wanting a boyfriend before, but now I’m 17 and i Felt as though I dont want a boyfriend I am happy being single, but now theres a boy at church who I think likes me but I am not 100% sure, he texts me constantly but I keep trying to tell myself we can keep as friends but the more I text, the more feelings develop and I get confused, but its just friendly texting e.g what we did today or what films we like. Also I promised God that I wasnt going to have a boyfriend until I was close enough to Him to love Him more than anyone else so I didnt have to worry about whether I was putting him Before God in my life. I want to do the right thing but it seems so difficult, I don’t want to break my promise to God, so I prayed He would help me keep it, but even texting makes me feel like God is somewhere in the background. Also on sunday the boy text me saying he wanted to talk to me about something after Church, but he left early that day so we didnt talk… please help me with some good advice, what do u think I should do??? Thanks alot for this website by the way, I stumbled across this on Facebook and clicked on it, it is so inspirational, thank You so much for this website, God bless you all 😀 xxx

    28. I totally agree. This year I have to decided to stop worrying what guys think of me and stopped wanting a boyfriend. I would rather work on my relationship with Jesus first and build that up first, so when I’m ready to date I know what to look for and can have guidence through my relationship

    29. I am 15 right now and I am courting with a 22 year old man who has been my best guy friend since I was 10 years old. There are ways to know what boys are Christian, respectful, nice boys. Stick around boys like that and you will be fine!(:

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