Should I Ask a Guy Out?

    We accept many of the norms in our society without question, especially when it comes to dating. In most relationships, men initiate by asking women out. In recent years the feminist sector has questioned this norm, pushing for more women to take the initiative in relationships. But what about Christian women? Should a Christian girl ask a guy out?

    As with almost every issue discussed here on Project Inspired, the answer comes down to the motives of your heart. Here are three important points to consider before asking a guy on a date.


    1. Know your motive.

    It’s not wrong to desire marriage or a relationship; it’s wrong when we strive more for the relationship than we do for God’s will. That’s why it’s pivotal that we know our motives before pursuing or responding to a potential relationship. So check your heart: Ask yourself if you are following God’s lead or acting out of desperation. No relationship should begin with the thought This is the best I can get.

    If your motives are pure and you’ve prayed about the next step, it may be time to talk to the man in question. Sometimes guys are oblivious to the girls who like them. You might be waiting for him to define the relationship, but he’s assuming you’re just friends! In situations like this, asking a guy out may help him see that you like him as more than a friend, clarifying your motives and giving him the opportunity to share his.


    2. Know what you’re asking.

    If you feel at peace to take initiative, be aware of the risk involved. By revealing your feelings, you are becoming emotionally vulnerable to someone who might not reciprocate your sentiments. Know what you are asking before the conversation begins.

    A great example of this is in the biblical story of Ruth and Boaz. Boaz treated Ruth kindly, taking care of her and honoring her above the other young women who worked in his fields. However, it was Ruth who approached Boaz and, according to the culture of their time, asked him to redeem her. Essentially, Ruth asked Boaz to marry her! Ruth knew what she was asking when she approached Boaz, but she also knew it might not end the way she hoped. Ruth’s faith was not in Boaz or in the potential relationship, but in God, who blessed her faith and guided both Ruth and Boaz into a beautiful marriage.


    3. Know that your hope is in God, not in a relationship.

    The purpose of relationships—dating and otherwise—is not marriage. The purpose of relationships is to glorify God by sharing His love with the people in our lives for that period of time. This means that no relationship is a waste! Every person with whom we come in contact is an opportunity to pour out God’s grace.

    As Christian women, our hope is in God, not in man. Whether a guy asks you out or you do the asking, that hope—not cultural norms—should be your guide.

    Some people think that looking for a relationship (or expressing interest in a guy) is insecure and needy. But seeking and hoping for a relationship is not insecure or needy unless you’re seeking the relationship more than you seek God (Matthew 6:33). The Bible does not condemn bold women (Judges 4, Luke 8:43-48, John 4), but counsels us to seek God’s wisdom prior to taking action (Proverbs 3:5-6, James 1:5). Women whose confidence and hope are founded in Christ will not pursue a relationship without first consulting the Lord. With His wisdom and peace, you will know whether or not asking a guy out is the best step to take. And whether or not the relationship ever moves forward, you have a chance to share God’s grace in every interaction—with men and women alike.


    Phylicia Masonheimer
    Phylicia Masonheimer
    Phylicia Masonheimer is an author and speaker teaching women how to discern what is true, discuss the deep stuff, and accomplish God's will for their specific lives. She holds a B.S. in Religion from Liberty University, where she met her husband, Josh, and now lives in northern Michigan with her two daughters, Adeline and Geneva.


    1. I really enjoyed reading this article it puts a lot of things into perspective. If I could ask a question, if for example I have not had the ability to befriend this guy since we attend different churches. Would it be beneficial to ask him out just to see if there is any possibilities?

    2. This is a great article. I’m just listening so hard for Gods answers but I’m not sure if I know what to listen for. I have very strong feelings for someone who seems to be in my path by fate, but also would put me in a compromisable position by revealing my feelings. How can I be brave enough to take that leap? How do I know if I’m seeing what God wants me to see or what I want to see?

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