A few weeks ago I was invited to a friend’s party. Up until then I had ZERO friends who were guys. ZERO. But there were guys at this party and they were all really welcoming and nice. It was great as well because it was the first time I was hanging out with guys and not being attracted to any of them!
Then one of the guys from the party started messaging me on Facebook and I thought he was just being friendly, wanted to get to know me better. Well apparently that wasn’t the case. (Would just like to add I have never in my life had a boyfriend so I didn’t notice a thing.) A close friend of his that is also a close friend of mine told me that “He thought he liked me,” but he had JUST broken up with his girlfriend and he liked the idea of having a girlfriend more then actually liking a girl. Does that make sense?
Anyway, because no guy has ever showed any real interest in me I just presumed I liked him too! There wasn’t any reason for me not to…he was good-looking, funny, smart and so nice to me.
Then we agreed to go for a coffee together and it went really well but nothing happened it was just like two friends hanging out.
Then a few nights ago we were at another party and after a while we ended up sitting with each other and holding hands but, and I’m sorry I don’t know how to explain it, we could have been just doing it in a friendly way?
So when he was leaving he took me aside and we hugged for ages and he said, “Does that mean we’re a thing now?” and I didn’t really answer but we’re going out next week.
This is where I need help though. I can’t figure out how I really feel about him? Like when I think about when we were together I get butterflies and everything but when I think about him, I don’t feel anything. Part of me is just thinking I should go with it and see what happens because finally someone actually likes me! Then another part of me knows I shouldn’t use him just for fun or experience, and more then anything I want to be friends because he is such a WONDERFUL guy. Please help me
Oh girl! Well, I think that the whole truth is stated in your last paragraph.
I think you kinda know that you’re just using this guy for “fun” and “experience,” and the irony is that he may be using you also, because you wrote that you aren’t even sure whether he likes you or the idea of having a girlfriend.
My big concern about this whole situation is the lack of consideration for feelings. Playing with someone’s emotions just isn’t fair. Not that I believe that your intention is to play with feelings or hurt this guy! But your ultimate desire seems to be to prove that there’s nothing wrong with you because some guy’s finally paying attention to you. Which brings me to another concern!
You wrote that you’re amazed he actually likes you and “because no guy has ever showed any real interest in me, I just presumed I liked him too!” Ouch! Would it be fair to assume that you have an little bit of an issue with your own self-confidence?
The truth is that you’ve entered into a relationship without being ready. You wrote that you found yourself holding hands, but “we could have been just doing it in a friendly way?” So, you’re not sure how to interpret actions between the two of you. You’re not sure how to deal with these situations, so you figure you’ll play it by ear and see how it goes, because at least then you can say that you have a boyfriend and you can feel worthy! Am I right?
I know it can seem frustrating when all your friends are dating or hanging out with boys and you’re not, but that doesn’t mean that because you don’t, there’s something wrong with you. And the popular notion that you need to have dated by a certain age or time in your life or else there’s something wrong with you is just ridiculous!
I find it more admirable if you wait to date until you’re actually ready to get married. Why? Because you’re emotionally ready to have a relationship by then. You’ll be ready to deal with someone else’s feelings, and share your life with him. And most importantly, you’ll know what you’re looking for in a husband and you won’t waste time and feelings on someone who just doesn’t meet the criteria that you want in a spouse. And this is proven all the more by the fact that right now, it doesn’t seem to matter whether you like the guy or not, as long as he can be a boyfriend.
So here’s what I think you should do:
- Understand that your self-worth is not based on guys talking to you or having guy friends or whether or not you have a boyfriend. God loves you and that’s all that counts, especially at this stage in your life. You need to become strong as a person and confident in yourself before you’ll be ready to share your life with someone.
- Realize that entering a relationship without really knowing what you want will only lead to miscommunications and assumptions, and if you’re wishy-washy, that will cause doubt, insecurity and other negative feelings for both you and the guy involved. And that will only feed negatively into a relationship! Ultimately, this will create bad feelings and you will both leave the relationship with unnecessary baggage.
- Don’t start dating until you’re ready to get married. Seriously! Dating isn’t something that you should take lightly, and it definitely shouldn’t be with someone you’re not sure you like, or with someone who you’re not sure likes you. You know?
- When the time comes, don’t get dragged into a relationship. You have to be a part of the process, because you don’t want to just find yourself married to someone. You want to marry someone you love and who loves you. Someone who helps you grow in Christ. Someone who sees you as the worthy person that you are.
- Pray for God’s guidance, and pray that He strengthens the confidence you have in yourself!
Good luck and God bless!
Need some advice? Ask your relationship questions in the Ask Olivia Girl Talk forum or in the comments below and I might answer them in a future article!