“Someone FINALLY Likes Me, But Am I Just Using Him?”

     A few weeks ago I was invited to a friend’s party. Up until then I had ZERO friends who were guys. ZERO. But there were guys at this party and they were all really welcoming and nice. It was great as well because it was the first time I was hanging out with guys and not being attracted to any of them!

    Then one of the guys from the party started messaging me on Facebook and I thought he was just being friendly, wanted to get to know me better. Well apparently that wasn’t the case. (Would just like to add I have never in my life had a boyfriend so I didn’t notice a thing.) A close friend of his that is also a close friend of mine told me that “He thought he liked me,” but he had JUST broken up with his girlfriend and he liked the idea of having a girlfriend more then actually liking a girl. Does that make sense?

    Anyway, because no guy has ever showed any real interest in me I just presumed I liked him too! There wasn’t any reason for me not to…he was good-looking, funny, smart and so nice to me.

    Then we agreed to go for a coffee together and it went really well but nothing happened it was just like two friends hanging out.

    Then a few nights ago we were at another party and after a while we ended up sitting with each other and holding hands but, and I’m sorry I don’t know how to explain it, we could have been just doing it in a friendly way?

    So when he was leaving he took me aside and we hugged for ages and he said, “Does that mean we’re a thing now?” and I didn’t really answer but we’re going out next week.

    This is where I need help though. I can’t figure out how I really feel about him? Like when I think about when we were together I get butterflies and everything but when I think about him, I don’t feel anything. Part of me is just thinking I should go with it and see what happens because finally someone actually likes me! Then another part of me knows I shouldn’t use him just for fun or experience, and more then anything I want to be friends because he is such a WONDERFUL guy. Please help me

    Oh girl! Well, I think that the whole truth is stated in your last paragraph.

    I think you kinda know that you’re just using this guy for “fun” and “experience,” and the irony is that he may be using you also, because you wrote that you aren’t even sure whether he likes you or the idea of having a girlfriend.

    My big concern about this whole situation is the lack of consideration for feelings. Playing with someone’s emotions just isn’t fair. Not that I believe that your intention is to play with feelings or hurt this guy! But your ultimate desire seems to be to prove that there’s nothing wrong with you because some guy’s finally paying attention to you. Which brings me to another concern!

    You wrote that you’re amazed he actually likes you and “because no guy has ever showed any real interest in me, I just presumed I liked him too!” Ouch! Would it be fair to assume that you have an little bit of an issue with your own self-confidence?

    The truth is that you’ve entered into a relationship without being ready. You wrote that you found yourself holding hands, but “we could have been just doing it in a friendly way?” So, you’re not sure how to interpret actions between the two of you. You’re not sure how to deal with these situations, so you figure you’ll play it by ear and see how it goes, because at least then you can say that you have a boyfriend and you can feel worthy! Am I right?

    I know it can seem frustrating when all your friends are dating or hanging out with boys and you’re not, but that doesn’t mean that because you don’t, there’s something wrong with you. And the popular notion that you need to have dated by a certain age or time in your life or else there’s something wrong with you is just ridiculous!

    I find it more admirable if you wait to date until you’re actually ready to get married. Why? Because you’re emotionally ready to have a relationship by then. You’ll be ready to deal with someone else’s feelings, and share your life with him. And most importantly, you’ll know what you’re looking for in a husband and you won’t waste time and feelings on someone who just doesn’t meet the criteria that you want in a spouse. And this is proven all the more by the fact that right now, it doesn’t seem to matter whether you like the guy or not, as long as he can be a boyfriend.

    So here’s what I think you should do:

    • Understand that your self-worth is not based on guys talking to you or having guy friends or whether or not you have a boyfriend. God loves you and that’s all that counts, especially at this stage in your life. You need to become strong as a person and confident in yourself before you’ll be ready to share your life with someone.
    • Realize that entering a relationship without really knowing what you want will only lead to miscommunications and assumptions, and if you’re wishy-washy, that will cause doubt, insecurity and other negative feelings for both you and the guy involved. And that will only feed negatively into a relationship! Ultimately, this will create bad feelings and you will both leave the relationship with unnecessary baggage.
    • Don’t start dating until you’re ready to get married. Seriously! Dating isn’t something that you should take lightly, and it definitely shouldn’t be with someone you’re not sure you like, or with someone who you’re not sure likes you. You know?
    • When the time comes, don’t get dragged into a relationship. You have to be a part of the process, because you don’t want to just find yourself married to someone. You want to marry someone you love and who loves you. Someone who helps you grow in Christ. Someone who sees you as the worthy person that you are.
    • Pray for God’s guidance, and pray that He strengthens the confidence you have in yourself!

    Good luck and God bless!

    Need some advice? Ask your relationship questions in the Ask Olivia Girl Talk forum or in the comments below and I might answer them in a future article!

    Ask Olivia
    Got a question about boys, your besties or God? I'm here to help! As the girl all my friends always came to for advice, I've turned my girl talk, level-headedness and love of Jesus into a job -- one I love because I was a teen not long ago, too! Click into Ask Olivia in our Girl Talk Forums to ask me a question!


    1. Dont do it!…. I was is the same situation and I just went for it to see how it would go it was my first ever “relationship” also and the guy acually fell really in love with me… he started saying I love you and I felt bad so I said it back… I kept putting of breaking up cuz I cared about him and didn’t want to hurt him… but the longer it lastest the worse it got… and I ended up ending it over a phone call 2 weeks before homecoming. … I felt terrible it was bad….. prsy about your situation and see if god want u to date him if there isnt really a definite yes… it definitely means dont

    2. I wish I had had this kind of advice last year! this is wonderful and wise. and I admire that the person who wrote the question is more knowledgeable about her feelings than I was. I didn’t recognize the fact that I liked him just for the way I felt with him, which ultimately lead to me realizing awhile later that I don’t really like him as a future spouse. I then discovered that he was a player and that he apparently didn’t like me in the way he said either, he probably just liked me for the same reason I liked him, because it feels really good to be liked. but ultimately you can’t base any relationship off of warm fuzzy feelings, because believe me, the do fade over time.

    3. you also shouldnt just base you liking a guy on “stomach butterflies” ’cause it could just be hormones and stuff like that, emotions but not actual love. Plus you just met, so get to know him more first and make sure God is in the relationship and its not just for fun

    4. Yeah, I know exactly how that is. I did the same thing to a guy and it ruined any chance of us ever being friends. I broke his heart and he hates me. I don’t blame him though. I did play him like a violin! I feel awful and it haunts me everyday! I wish there was some way to redeem myself, but I think the only way to do that would be to erase the past… and that can never happen.

    5. Awhile back I met this guy at my friends party. I thought he was a cool guy but just as a friend. But just as a friend. Then I found out he liked me, so I thought I would give the relationship a try, because it would be my first ever. It wasn’t but maybe a month and he said he loved me. I wouldn’t say it back because there’s no way you can love someone you just met. I thought maybe if I let the relationship go on longer that I would one day say it back and mean it, but I just couldn’t bring myself to it. I was embarrassed to hold his hand around anyone, and got grossed out if I thought of kissing him. I tried to get through Christmas but I didn’t want a present from him and he was already looking for one in Novemeber. I broke up with him a month or two before Christmas. I felt so bad. I broke his heart and to this day he still despises me. I don’t blame him. I played him and I know it was wrong. The entire relationship haunts me everyday and wish there was some way to redeem myself. If anyone has any advise I would be grateful???

      • Hi, Anna! I know you’ve probably heard it a lot, but pray. Pray, pray, pray. Not just for yourself, but for him, as well. God will help to heal both of you. The two of you may not become friends again, eventually the pain will fade for both of you. Just keep praying, and trusting in God. He will lead you through this.

    6. The exact same things has happend to me
      I only seemed to like guys cause I was surprised they actually liked me in the first place. And I went out with one guy because he really liked me a lot and I was very flattered by that so I went out with him. At first I truly liked him, even love but that’s sorta strong, and I still do in a way
      But he started saying he loved me and he was madly inlove with me and he told me he was going to propose in June. I’m only 16 by the way haha
      But he took things way to fast, and after a while he got very abusive and controlling. At least that’s what my friends say and my mom. I still don’t believe it even though it’s true :/
      But it’s hard because I finally had to end it with him, I really feel like it was a God thing because I don’t feel trapped anymore. But it hurt it more than anything, and I feel terrible

      • Hi, Carrie! Don’t feel terrible! You did the right thing. God doesn’t want you to be with someone who makes you feel trapped. He wants you to be with someone who makes you feel loved, and who you love back! You ending the relationship was definitely a God thing. And I know it hurts now, but it will get better. 🙂

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