Telltale Signs that Your Friend is a Frenemy

    Do you have a bestie who’s always hurting your feelings? Well, your friend might actually be a frenemy. According to Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary, A frenemy is “one who pretends to be a friend but is actually an enemy.”

    Actions speak louder than words

    Does your friend say one thing and then her behavior indicates something different? A good gauge as to whether someone is truly your friend is how her behavior makes you feel. If she’s constantly and purposely hurting your feelings, then that’s a good indicator that she may really be a frenemy.


    No one is perfect so even a true friend might unintentionally hurt your feelings sometimes. However, what differentiates a friend from a frenemy is motive. True friends won’t purposely hurt you. Friends are loving and are quick to make amends to salvage your friendship. A friend who truly cares about you won’t want to see you hurt.

    A frenemy, on the other hand, is intentionally hurtful and is always trying to make you feel or look bad, especially in front of others.

    Telltale signs

    • Your friend is constantly gossiping or spreading rumors about you
    • She exposes your innermost secrets to others
    • She always seems jealous
    • She is unnecessarily competitive just to make you feel or look bad

    If this sounds like your friend, it may be time to re-evaluate your friendship.

    Check back soon for my next post: “How to Deal with Your Frenemy.”

    Do you think your bestie might be a frenemy?

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    Aysha Ives
    Aysha Ives loves God with her whole heart and has a desire to help hurting people. With a Masters Degree in Psychology, she combines her education and experience with her love for God to help people live whole and fulfilled lives. Aysha is an Author, Mental Health Provider, Youth Church Teacher, and the mother of one gifted little boy whom she absolutely adores. Aysha is honored to be able to share her love of God with Project Inspired readers. Aysha is also the author of God Cares About Your Stuff: How To Believe For Tomorrow When Things Look Utterly, Completely, And Totally Impossible Today, released February 2013- Available at Amazon.


    1. I now have a “frenemy”…she was always so nice to me, and she liked me, I thought she would never do what she did. Last year out of nowhere, she started avoiding me and trying to make me look bad…and she did it even more when her friends were around, trying not to laugh. They didn’t even do anything about it. They just stood there giggled while she was mocking me! I don’t really trust anyone anymore…and now Maddie dropped out of 9th grade, and is moving out of town somewhere with just her boyfriend
      (who must be an adult, and she’s a freshman). She hasn’t kept in touch with me in forever…though I’m glad she’s not here anymore, I don’t have to deal with her in class.

      • All we can do for people like this is pray for them, pray that one day they will understand what they’ve been doing is wrong and they will change their ways for the better. Try not to hold it against her, we all mess up. Sometimes we just need to mature a little before we can see it. Blessings <

    2. My best friend is always lying to everyone and first off, it’s wrong and secondly, she cannot lie well. I have tried to disassociate myself with her but when I did she just cried and a felt bad so I took her back. But later I told her I was bisexual and she just avoided me and made fun of me, but she still is hanging out with me. What should I do?

      Nadia “Mariska” Carrillo

      • She isn’t a true friend at all. If she cries and acts all dramatic when you try to disassociate with her, she is sabotaging what is really best for YOU. SHe knows she’s in the wrong, and yet she still tries to hang on. You need to dump this girl fast, because her toxic behavior will only get worse. Especially, she isn’t a true friend if she’s making fun of you. You will do a lot better without her! Let me know how it goes, ok?

    3. I think she is a frenemy cause she always acts so highly of herself..she is really ignorant…Once a friend told me that she is jealous of me but I don’t really know for sure…she and this other friend makes fun of me sumtyms..maybe a joke I don’t know…she was my best friend since 2nd grade…But after some fights we aren’t that close now and just friends…Do you think she is a frenemy?

      • Yes I do! Start by slowly not hanging out with her… She definitely doesn’t seem like a true friend and doesn’t have your best interests at heart. Let me know how it goes 🙂

    4. My bestie and I have had some times where we both have chewed eachother’s head off. But in the end, we always made up. She knows me almost as well as I know myself! I love you Rachel!!!

    5. MY “friend” and I were really close. I realized she wasn’t the person I thought she was when I went to her house the first time, Our literature class was going to see a movie together and she told me that she wanted to make-out with a nice boy from our class. She even STUFFED HER BRA to look more attractive. She also said horrible things about some very nice people. When the guy she liked sat next to me in class one day and we talked some but it was really nothing……she accused me of kissing him and told basically the whole seventh grade. Then she told everyone that when I was at her house I asked her if i was a lesbian, confessed that I was, and stripped for her and her sister. It was the most horrible feeling. i only had one friend to confide in. For about a week no body talked to me and everyone gave me dirty looks. Then I found out what happened and cried for HOURS when I got home. Thankfully she got in trouble with the principal and was suspended.

    6. My friends and I became really good friends when I joined college, we used to eat lunch together, talk for hours on the phone etc. Then i went to my home town for a week or so, and after returning I started noticing weird changes in them like for e.g. leaving me alone and walking off without asking me to come, making excuses when ever I try to talk to them on phone, and when ever I would ask them to call me they would say they cant waste their credit? Insulting me in front of others, shouting at me for no good reason. I dont know what is wrong and I am sure I did nothing to upset them then why this changes in all of them all so sudden?

    7. I have one friend. Before i thought she was great, but now after reading the telltale signs, she did three out of four of them! i told her who i liked and she told me who she liked right? Then we promised we wouldnt tell anyone. Well the next school day, she told someone. THE PERSON I LIKED! Shes done alot more mean stuff too. But if we break off out friendship, ill have no one at school, because the problem is i have one more really good friend but he doesnt go to my school. What should i do? Advice??

    8. wow. you know, reading that, i feel like a frenemy. i know, my friends love me, but not everyone gets my sense of humor. i recently had a tiff with my dear friend, cuz I’m sometimes a bobblehead who just says the first random thing that popped into my head in a way that was supposed to be amusing, but came out as mean. of course, i don’t mean, much less WANT to be mean, and i don’t have a “motive”, but if my friend read this, i fear she might decide i am a frenemy. also, I’m very competitive for no reason, and i don’t mean to offend or sound critical, but i don’t think that is a sign of “frenemy-ness” because some people like me are just competitive.
      that aside, I’ll wrap this up before i start rambling. all of us are guilty of becoming frenemies with all of our friends, even if just for a moment. it’s. almost like a test, to see how well the friendship will work out in the long run. if you pass, you’ve got yourself a great gal pal. if not, don’t give up; it just means you’re human. 🙂

      • I feel exactly the same way! I am really sarcastic, not in a mean way, but sometimes people take it the wrong way. My best friend and I had a HUGE fight about it and we didn’t speak for months because we were both so angry. But now we are pretty close again, and I am really excited about it 🙂

    9. I guess I have a frenemy:( She constantly gets jealous of ANYONE I hang out with… & she criticizes my two other best friends all the time right to my face. She tells me that I’ve changed & tells me all the stuff that’s wrong with me… & tries to blame all of her problems on me. She drops all these really hurtful comments towards me, & gossips about me, & just steps all over me all the time. I don’t want to just abandon her though… because she really needs someone to be there for her… & shes running away from God & it’s just crazy. What if I leave her & she runs away from God for good ? Would it be my fault ? Would it be fair to her ? I just don’t want to hurt her… it’s hard.

    10. I used to have a frenemy friend last year. We always did what she wanted to do and when I would want to do something different she didn’t follow. Once she said my shoes look like grandma shoes and I knew they weren’t. I told her my dream career for the future and she laughed at me and criticized me for not having the specific talent needed for the job. When she was with her other friends she ignored me and I felt like a tag along. another time I told her I had a crush on this one guy and made her SWEAR she wouldn’t tell anyone and then someone who looked like him walked passed she yelled his name out very loud I was so embarrassed! After that she told her boyfriend who I like and when I confronted her she said “He’s a guy, It’s not like he’ll tell anyone”. Yet, she always told me “I love you” I knew it wasn’t true. I knew a best friend understands you and listens and not interupts. I knew a friendship needed trust. I found SO MANY flaws in our so called “best friendship” that I told her I don’t want to be her best friend any more. At first she got mad and didn’t speak to me, now all we say to each other is a mere “hi” if we see each other.I’m very proud of myself for stopping the abuse. This year God gave me a true best friend who values my beliefs and thinks the way I do. I love her and trust her. She respects me. I thank God for her. <3 Girls, if you have the kind of friend I had, don't go along with it. You KNOW you deserve better! God bless you all with true friendships 🙂

    11. i also have “frenemy”. i never thought that it would really turn out that way but it described my “friend” pretty well.
      its hard to deal with it especially because she is a very jealous person and i wouldnt know how to react to some of her comments about me or others.but pray for me

    12. My ex best friend is now my frenemy. She’s a pastor’s daughter, and I attended her church for 1 1/2 years. We were best friends for 6 months. She is really popular, and I felt special hanging out with her. I didn’t realize at the time, but now I know that each time she becomes friends with someone, she is always with them and talking to them for 4-8 months, and then she gets bored and drops them completely. Last year, the week before my 14th birthday, she dropped me. We had been talking on the phone for hours the night before, and then I got to church, and she hung out exclusively with the new girl. She didn’t even acknowledge my existence. I thought she was just trying to include the new girl, but she continued to literally stare through me. Several times, I overheard her mocking me to the other girls in the church. Eventually, she got them to ice me out. I had no friends.I didn’t confront her because I was confused and hurt, even more so when she acted like we were besties again in her dad’s presence. Several times I was fooled into thinking she wanted to be friends again. She just wanted her dad to think she was an angel. We ended up leaving the church after about 10 months of pain, and it’s my birthday again this week. Even though I’ve told my mom, she still likes her. In fact, my mom is going to host a teen parenting class, and the parents and my ex-friend are coming. I’ve asked God to help me forgive her many times, and even though I have, there is still a little bitterness deep inside of me. I don’t know what to do when I see her again. She’s going to pretend that we’re friends, and then go to school and gossip about me. What should I do?

    13. I have two friends that I’m always nice to and everything. The other day I was sick and I told one of them that I felt like crap. She said well you look like, never mind and then started laughing at me then she walked away from me! I’m like really?! Then the other friend is always telling me that I’m really annoying. I’ve noticed that she always says that when she’s in a bad mood. I need your help.

    14. i had a frenemy, now shes just a bully. she was my best friend ever since i met her and she was nice but then she suddenly started talking only to the popular people and started ignoring me and literally running away from me. i asked her nicely about it and she said she was only pretending to be my friend but wasnt going to anymore because i was “hurting her reputation by talking” and she told me to commit suicide. I tried to talk to her about that since i got really annoyed since one of my best friends commited suicide and she was making it a joke, and she called me a retard which is really annoying since i have adhd and my brother has a mental disability

    15. I have a group of friends really. my best friend moved to georgia and the group kinda fell apart. my friends are starting to change in a bad way. they are starting to curse and wear things they never had. ive tried to correct them but they push me away! it seems like i have to get new friends :/

    16. Turns out I have a “frenemy”. She does all that stuff. And is always jealous. Ever since she got a boyfriend, she has had NO friends but me, then she started doing baddd stuff, and starting being sooo rude. Shes made me cry. She calls herself a christian, but I dont think she acts like one at all. 🙁

    17. I think I have a frenemy…I’ve known this girl for 10 years-since I was 5. But within the past 10 months or less, she’s turned weird and mean. She’s an only child who’s been over-protected to the extreme, but usually gets what she wants anyway. I used to not mind being called weird or that something I like is weird, but then pretty much everything I did, said, liked, or wanted to do was weird. I was weird for liking old cars and even weird for wanting to go to a car show with my dad to have alone time with him. My dad says she’s a little jealous of all that I get to do, and that my dad actually pays attention to me. I barely text her anymore because every text conversation we have ends in me getting irritated at her and I just quit replying. She even got mad when another friend and I spent the day at a theme part that she hates. She texted and said she hated us for spending the day together without her. I feel sorry for her, and my parents say I should talk to her but 1, I’m afraid she’ll laugh it off and make fun of me for being hurt by her and then not care and 2, I don’t want to lose her. I mean, she’s been a close friend since pre-K and we’re in high school now. I think I’m more worried about losing a friend than losing her though… Help?

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