What to Do When You’re Feeling Like “Second Choice” in Your Friendships

    Every week I go through the “Girl Talk” section of Project Inspired and look for those seeking advice and counsel. I want to help answer some questions you may have about living out your Christian walk of faith and any other topics! We want PI to be a safe place where you can ask questions and become bold in your faith. We love you, PI readers!

    Click here to join the Girl Talk forum.

    This week on the High School forum on the Girl Talk section of PI, a girl posted:

    “I have two strong Christian best friends in my school. I am a junior in HS, and it has taken me FOURTEEN YEARS to find these two girls that make me feel like I belong somewhere…except lately, they haven’t.

    “I know I don’t need a lot of friends to be happy. But these two girls, who have always been there…I am coming in second place with them. They have found other, more significant people to do life with. They are my best friends, but I am not theirs. I’m not saying they can’t have other friends…but I’m tired of coming in second.

    “I’m tired of being replaced.
    I’m tired of not being good enough.
    I’m tired of hearing them tell me all about their new best friends, when I’m just sitting there, like, STOP RUBBING IT IN MY FACE.

    “I can’t take it! I try to still love them. I try to be kind. I try to show God’s love to them. I still invest, I still try. In fact, I invited them to come watch the movie Priceless with me this Friday. But if all they are going to do is talk about their “real life besties who are like family,” then I don’t know if I even want to go…. Any advice?”

    First off, I am so sorry you are feeling left out and not enough. Sometimes in life we just feel like we don’t measure up and never are enough, and that is not a good feeling at all. I pray the Lord Jesus’ peace all over you now and that you will remember that even Christ suffered and was mocked and betrayed, even by those He loved. You are NOT alone and many people feel this way at times.

    I would say the smartest and wisest thing to do in the situation is to pray and ask God to give you the words to say. I want to add that when you pray, ask for wisdom in the situation.

    Next, I would reach out and confront the girls in a kind and gentle way so that they are aware of your feelings. Don’t make it a pity party, just maybe tell one at a time and just mention that you would like to be a part of the fun, too!

    Third is, as I mentioned, to confront it, but honesty in communication is key. I wouldn’t dramatize the situation, and would refrain from gossiping. Really try to kindly share in a way that comes off truthful, but how you would want someone to speak to you if you were in their shoes.

    Next, if you’re unsure what to say to a friend who is excluding you or making you feel “less than,” ask God, your mom or youth pastor for advice. Hopefully they can guide you to the right wording and delivery of how you share with your besties.

    Finally, if at the end of the day things change and they are not true friends in love and receiving you, then forgive and seek out other friends and also pray that God will touch their hearts. Hopefully it will all be smoothed over and you can all forgive each other peacefully.

    To sum up:

    1. Pray. Seek God.

    2. Ask God for the words to say. Communication is key.

    3. Refrain from gossip. Tell each friend and avoid dramatizing the situation. Tell them how you would want to be told.

    4. Ask a parent or youth leader for specific help with how to express your thoughts.

    5. Love, forgive and meet new people. If they are not receptive to your feelings, maybe it’s a sign they aren’t true friends. Either way, forgive, and also find the girl who is left out and befriend her. Love like Jesus did…hopefully all will work together for your good!

    PI Girls, how can we pray for you and your friends? Comment below!

    Christi Given
    Christi Given
    Christi Given is a former Trinity Broadcasting Network host for the JUCE TV NETWORK, and has been featured on the Hillsong Channel. Her passion is to reach the youth with the Gospel and her music. Given has been writing for Project Inspired since 2011, and hopes to encourage the younger generation in their faith.


    1. Woah I was just going through that situation. I always am second when it comes to people and it hurts sooo bad. God blessed me and moved me to a new town which hes giving me another place to look and find a true friend (also i have a friend who is living across the street of my new house we have known each other for over 12 years!)… Anyways when I was being hurt by the girls i thought were my friends and the girls who were just mean to me my mom told me something (btw the breakdown was in a Walmart parking lot what an interesting place to have a moment with God and my mom haha) she said to me “Mary, God loves you and you know that these girls are not real people they are fake and just trying to be better and liked and cool and so on. YOU Mary are real, you have a true relationship with God you are mature and beautiful and these girls are jealous of that. Mary you are better than those girls God blessed you with an old soul and do you really think all these adult women would like hanging out with you if you were like those girls? I don’t think so. Mary you are a Senior in high school to expect to make you TRUE friends now God has a plan for you and hes going to move you around and bring you and that true friend together! You are a child of God and he will provide Mary remember that.” What a beautiful thing to hear from a mother don’t you think?

    2. Hi Miss Christi I posted this comment because I really need your help and this one’s really current. Please help me okay? So I was really boy crazy in Year 9, I had crushes on 3 boys who were best friends, though they didn’t know,it turned out to be a disaster. I was really upset about that and prayed to God to help me not to have a crush again till I’m 24(I’m 13 turning 14 on December 23). Now I’m in Year 10. Only two of the boys came back and I vowed to never have feelings for any of them again. But things are falling apart, I got worried when one of the boys; Nelson stopped talking to me. He pretended I didn’t exist an though we were in different classes(although we attend the same classes) I felt hurt and lonely and useless. I soon managed to get along with those feelngs but right now, I’m not so sure. Today in class, one of my best friends Laila (not real name) told me Nelson texted her last night and told her that he was in love with her. (Brief description Laila; She has never had a crush on a boy except Disney guys. She’s not into boys and never wants to have a Crush until she’s22). So Laila told me that Nelson texted her that he loves her but told her later that it was a joke. She gave me the whole detail and I have to admit it sounded romantic even our other two besties agreed it was romantic. So It was a bit irritating that my ex crush(who I think I still have feelings for) texted her that and the whole thing is so muddling that I’m sure you think I’m crazy.

    3. Sorry about the long post. So theprobem is “I’m a bit sad that no boy has askedfor my number though we’re not allowed to datein my schoolwhich I’m okay with as it will cause a lot of unwanted teen disaster(UTD) but it makes me feel ugly when m best friend seemto get along with my ex crush and other boys and just don’t.And also I think I’ve forgotten about God. Seriouslymy life’s amess now. Please helllllpppp!!!! “

      • Well, yes, it sounds like you are struggling with boy-craziness. Personally, I would sit down in a quiet area and pray to God about it. I’ve had crushes on guys that I shouldn’t have before, and I prayed about it. Although the boy I liked was funny and sweet, he wasn’t a Christian and had different morals than me. It took like 2 months, but my feelings gradually went away. (It helped that he got a girlfriend ha.) The point is, I can’t promise you that if you talk to God your crush will go away, (he does what he thinks is best for you) but you should ask him.

    4. This is so weird. I am currently in a similar situation. I talked with them, they weren’t receptive to my feelings, so now I am hanging out with other people. It’s awful that things had to end this way, but I am much happier being with people who want to hang out with me instead of seeing me as a second option.

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