What is love to you? Why do you really want a boyfriend? The only reason I did was to say I had one. I mean, everybody else had a boyfriend, why couldn’t I have one? I was pretty, so I felt like I deserved one, basically.
In eighth grade I rushed to get the first guy to tell me he liked me. I felt like we had a good relationship. We held hands down the hallway, we kissed and he bought me things. Eventually though, I found out something that divested me for a while. It turns out he only dated me to make my best friend jealous. Instead of being mad at him, I was angry at her and we ended up fighting. I lost that fight and I felt dumb afterwards.
I wish I could say I learned my lesson. Yes, the girl and I are best friends still. Yes, that guy and I no longer talk, but I was still hurt.
I ended up falling for the next guy who claimed he liked me. Only this time, we ended up being “friends with benefits.” I learned eventually there is no real benefit. He flirted with other girls in my face, but I couldn’t say anything because I felt since we weren’t together, it wasn’t my place to say anything. We were like this for a year, so you can say I really got attached, to the point I thought I loved this guy. Well, in my 10th grade year, he got caught with a female by a teacher and ended up getting expelled. So I was forced to “get over him” (as my “friends” put it).
You would think I would have learned my lesson then. I actually found myself searching for a “replacement.” I met another guy and after two weeks we had sex. I felt bad and asked God to forgive me. I vowed to never do it again. One day, I heard these freshmen saying he had an STD. I texted him and asked him about it and he basically brushed me off. I got tested and it came out that I was clear. I found myself texting him and apologizing. That day we ended up having sex again. Once again I found myself asking God to forgive me.
I know what you’re thinking: “Will you ever get it?” Actually, this time, I was determined to live like Christ. I went back to church, got involved in ministry and surrounded myself with godly people. Daily I’m asking God to take these people out of my soul. I vowed to not have sex again until marriage. Now I’m in the 11th grade going on my 5th month of celibacy. I’m not even dating this year because I’m so focused on God’s purpose for my life.
I’m saying all of this just to say that who you date now will affect your future. Boys will always be there when you graduate. Don’t let these boys take you off your focus. If you are a virgin reading this, ask God to keep you daily, because it really is a struggle. If you are not a virgin, I also encourage you to ask God to forgive you, help you move on and ask Him to keep you. It is no joke out here. The struggle is real! Focus on knowing who you are as a person, before you even think about dating. Also ask yourself: “Why do I want a boyfriend?”
Written by PI Girl, Tatiana