Why You Should Stop Looking for “Closure”

    “I just need closure.”

    We don’t hear this word much until we enter the dating world. It’s the word we use to describe that sense of finality in a relationship—how we determine that it has, at last, ended for good. We often use it to find emotional clarity and to determine what exactly went wrong between us and the other party.

    But the search for closure, and the weight we place on it, is not necessary. There are four times when seeking closure is not just the unwise thing to do—it’s the wrong thing to do.


    Closure as an Excuse to Talk to Your Ex

    If you’ve been broken up for a span of time, chances are your past relationship isn’t looking quite as bad as it felt in the throes of it. Our minds tend to glamorize old relationships, giving them happiness and color that didn’t exist in reality. We start regretting the breakup (if we didn’t before) and tell ourselves that “closure” is what we need. But in our heart of hearts, we know the truth: We just want to talk to our ex.

    Exes see right through this. Closure happens when the door, well, closes. And you don’t need your ex to help you walk through the relationship’s end. Find a mentor and a prayer partner to do that for you.


    Closure as a Reason to Stay Emotionally Attached

    Another reason we seek closure is to keep our minds fixed on that old relationship because it’s our “safe place.” It’s where we go mentally when we’re stressed or overwhelmed. We call it “looking for closure,” but really, we’re constantly opening up the same old door. We use the never-ending search for peace as an excuse to stay emotionally attached to someone who is no longer in our lives.

    No human can satisfy the emotional desires of your heart until your heart is at rest in Christ. Your security—emotional and otherwise—comes from embracing your Christian identity, not dwelling on relationships of the past.


    Closure as a Cover for Nosiness

    Another sneaky way we use closure is as a cover for being nosy. Who doesn’t want to do a little ex stalking now and then? A few months (or years) down the road from a breakup, we send a nice message or text. Of course we’re just “wondering how he’s doing,” looking for an explanation for what happened. But if we were honest with ourselves, we’d admit the truth. We aren’t looking for closure. We’re trying to find out what our ex is up to, who he’s dating and if he missed us!


    Closure as a Means of Control

    The last reason we seek closure is as a means for control. Rather than do the hard spiritual work of dealing with our emotions and unmet dreams, we try to control the situation by staying connected to something we need to release. This kind of closure is simply a crutch. When we attempt to keep emotional, mental or even physical control over a situation, we aren’t entrusting it to the Lord’s work. The ultimate closure comes from Him. He is the one who grants peace in any and all situations. He can redeem relationships, heal our hearts and help us move forward without any effort on our part except to seek His face.


    It would do us well to check our motives when we say we’re seeking closure. Have we allowed God to give us His kind of closure? His heart should be our first stop.

    Phylicia Masonheimer
    Phylicia Masonheimer
    Phylicia Masonheimer is an author and speaker teaching women how to discern what is true, discuss the deep stuff, and accomplish God's will for their specific lives. She holds a B.S. in Religion from Liberty University, where she met her husband, Josh, and now lives in northern Michigan with her two daughters, Adeline and Geneva.


    1. I know this is a website geared towards women, however I’m a guy and find this article and this website in general littered with amazing advice and guidance. This article is the truth I needed to hear!

    Project Inspired

    Hey there, welcome to Project Inspired. We're here to inspire you to know that God created you for a wonderful purpose. We are a community of believers who love God. You have gifts and talents from God that are unique to you, and we're here to guide you along the way.

    Read On

    4 Free Workout Apps to Help You Get Healthy From Home

    Do you want to pick up some new healthy habits but can't ever seem to find the time? You're not alone! But even if...

    How to Use Social Media for Good: 5 Tips

    Whether we want it to be or not, I would say that social media is no doubt going to continue being a part of...

    A Child’s Right to Life

    Our country is in the middle of a battle between abortion activists and the horrors of killing unborn children, and the many people and...

    Catch the Latest on TikTok and Instagram Reels!

    I’ve been having a lot of fun lately sharing videos on TikTok and Instagram Reels. There’s no doubt that social media can sometimes be...

    3 Important Lessons From Switched Every Girl Needs To Hear

    The reviews are in and Switched is a must-see movie for fall! This film is full of laughs and Freaky Friday-esque fun. But it...


    Stay connected with Project Inspired.